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Can't take anymore!

outofmymind

outofmymind

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2008
Messages
12
Location
over the cuckoo's nest!
Hi all

I'm new to this Forum and the Computer!

Don't know where to start really? Here goes.

I suffer from Manic Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Social Phobia, Panick Attack's. And am Dyslexic!

I am on Mertazapine 45mg, Diazapam 10mg x4 daily and Dicloflex 50mg x3 daily. I have been hospitalised x2 in 12 month's for trying to commit Suicide! I was put on a Psychiatric ward, where I spent 2x week's stay, both times.

I am at one of my low episodes at the mo, and finding it rather hard to deal with! I don't know whether I'm coming or going half of the time and have become very isolated with human contact!

I don't answer my phone, anyone who comes and visit's I ignore, and feel that I can't cope any longer!

I live with my son who I very seldom see anyway because I lock myself in my room.

I don't know how to deal with this feeling? I've never felt this bad before!

It has took me all yesterday and today, to actually pluck the courage up and post this post. Even now I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by doing this? But I'm desperate and don't know what to do?

Could someone please help me and advise!

outofmymind!
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest


I suffer from Manic Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Social Phobia, Panick Attack's. And am Dyslexic!
Only a short reply at the mo as I need to get dinner. But for someone with Dyslexia you have done well to write so clearly & legibly, thank you. I have to use a spell checker too & it takes me a lot of time to compose my posts. You write well. Posting here will help with having people to chat with who can identify with what you are going through & offer compassionate support; even if that only turns out to be "words on a screen" - such things can be of great benefit. :)
 
chesya

chesya

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
86
Location
Cornwall
I'm new here and can already say that there are loads people here with loads of wisdom who can give you better practical advice than me.

All I can say is that I'm bipolar too and can get some idea about what it must feel like for you.

You are not alone.

I dunno for everyone, but the illnesses we to suffer from seem to rebound off other things in life and can seem much, much worse than it is. All I'm saying is hold tight, there is a way through, it won't always feel this bad.

I'm dyslexic too but like you can disguise it quite well. I've increased the size of my text because you put your message in big text and I thought it might help. Let me know what's OK.
 
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outofmymind

outofmymind

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2008
Messages
12
Location
over the cuckoo's nest!
Cheers Chesya & the rest of you who have made me feel so welcome......

I must apologise for taking so long to reply. After doing the spell check, checking my punctuation and making sure it makes sense! I can finally post!

Yeh Chesya, the size of the text is fine but I'm having difficulty trying to read with it being in black on a white background! The letter's are all over the place. Must concentrate on my mind's eye. what do you say?

If you don't mind, could you reply in green please. I find that I can read a lot better in green.

Thankyou

outofmymind
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Hi and well done for expressing yourself so clearly.

What I would suggest as a fellow bipolar is to pick one target and aim at that. Don't choose something vague such as "I want to feel better" but something real. Perhaps "I'd like to answer the phone" or "I'd like to sit with my son one evening a week".

Then once you've chosen a target we can perhaps help you to get there.
 
outofmymind

outofmymind

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2008
Messages
12
Location
over the cuckoo's nest!
Hi Dollit

I understand what your saying, regarding to facing some of these challinger's, but you try telling my brain that!

Do you know what I was thinking today. I have a lot of time to think, infact all day, every day. Well I was thinking about, what life would be like in ten year's time? If there still is a life worth living then?

I wonder if there would still be life? If Armageddon had happened? If there was truly a Paradise in this everlasting land? Would I be there? I doubt it! Not for the want of trying though! I just don't think I'd be worthy enough!

You've got to be good to go to this land, and I havn't been good! That's why I'm like I am! MENTAL! It's god's way of punishing me now. I don't blame him. You see, he has given us a chance by being here and if we abuse that, then we have to be punished! So what he's done is messed with my brain! He know's that apart from my heart, he can't mess with my heart because he then know that I'll die and he hasn't finished with me yet! I cannot live without a brain.

He's disturbed my brain because I didn't use it well! I can still use it but it doesn't work like it should do? But who am I to complain? I'm only one of his servant's at the end of the day! We're all his servant's.

I want you all to be good and not to be bad like me and then you can keep your brain, all of it!

Got to go now.

Byeeeee

outofmymind
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Do you know what I was thinking today. I have a lot of time to think, infact all day, every day. Well I was thinking about, what life would be like in ten year's time? If there still is a life worth living then?

I wonder if there would still be life? If Armageddon had happened? If there was truly a Paradise in this everlasting land? Would I be there? I doubt it! Not for the want of trying though! I just don't think I'd be worthy enough!

You've got to be good to go to this land, and I havn't been good! That's why I'm like I am! MENTAL! It's god's way of punishing me now. I don't blame him. You see, he has given us a chance by being here and if we abuse that, then we have to be punished! So what he's done is messed with my brain! He know's that apart from my heart, he can't mess with my heart because he then know that I'll die and he hasn't finished with me yet! I cannot live without a brain.
Hello - I have been thinking along similar lines. What strikes me is that you are Aware. Awareness, for me; is critical in the process of growth, acceptance & healing.

I have been musing on the ideas of Karma & Karmic debt in relation to my life & "problems". It fits for me that I am working through such things, & have worked through much. It is through awareness, sensitivity, conscience & seeing our lives & behaviour through the eyes & hearts of others, of trying to be good; which proceeds the action of working through such things. Does the person who sees no wrong in themselves have the capacity to process such things?

We are here, for far greater purpose, than to be punished. my mind used to tie me in untangleable knots - I was imprisoned by my mind. I don't have the same relationship with my mind these days. My mind is a tiny part of what is - in relation to the Universe it is virtually totally insignificant. It can't fathom the mystery of life. I try to just use it as a very sophisticated tool, & ignore the rest of what it does. Usually by simply observing it, & not identifying totally with it. I think we are far more than our "minds". We can view ourselves - our whole physical organism, our bodies as a single system; but I consider that we are more than that; more than the sum of our individual parts.

I hope that can help & it makes some sense to you. :)
 
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chesya

chesya

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Messages
86
Location
Cornwall
I'm of Jewish origin and atheist and far from being a Christian, but I am strongly attracted to what I see the central message of this latter religion.

If as you said we are being punished by God for our sins, then God 'Himself' must be a huge sinner for the suffering 'He' endured in the betrayal, fall and crucifixion. But no, God made 'Himself' flesh so he could understand our suffering and forgive us. Perhaps even 'His' penance for having brought us into being.

If God suffered as the Christ on cross then we are not alone in our suffering. God is with us in our suffering and not punishing us with it.

Yes, as a species we seemed to be making a mess of the world, but there is always hope, there is always light among the darkness. There is always hope of salvation.

I feel each time that I make it through a depression or particularly stressful manic phase that I am rewarded for my constancy. Even when I feel I am failing completely can be the very moment I am winning.

I cannot know the extent of your suffering, but I know you are not alone and the very feeling that your mind feels like it's disintegrating is because of it's richness, beauty and complexity. Like life itself, it's both a gift and a curse. I have no idea what prayer is but I can't help myself making a little one deep inside that you may know your mind as a gift again soon.

BTW - I used to have snazzy purple tinted glasses that use to stop the text jumping around :)
 
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outofmymind

outofmymind

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2008
Messages
12
Location
over the cuckoo's nest!
Yeah! It does make sense! You see, we haven't got long left and we have to do what we have to. We was put on this earth for a reason? There's only me and God knows what that reason is? We have to work together to achieve these ambition's

We may correct our wrong doing's but we haven't got long left to correct this.

As long as we believe in him, no matter what may become of us? We have got to love thy neighbor.

But we have got to be aware of Satan! The bad devil his self! He will try and lure us more by his EVIL way's

He was the one who was jealous of god and questioned him? He didn't like the way the Angel's looked up to God. He questioned God to ruling this earth in the first place.

That is why the earth is like it is today! God granted Satan a certain amount of time, on this earth to do has he pleased? To show the likes of me and you that he could rule the earth better than God.

That is why there is so much heart ache and suffering like there is today.

People say 'why does God allow this suffering to go on if he's a good God, why does he let innocent people die?' But me and you know that this is not up to God! This is Satan's doing!

People don't understand that God has given Satan a certain amount of time to show all us Angels that he can do a better job than he. But Satan cannot fulfill his promises?

God cannot intervene neither. He has to give Satan the benefit of the doubt! No matter who dies or suffers in the process. All them Angels will be going to the everlasting life anyway. Because they have been robbed of their innocence anyway.

That is why I tried to kill myself x2. But God said that it hasn't got to be me that tries to take my own life. It has to be Satan that takes it!

Do you know what! Satan knows that I want to go to this everlasting Paradise and he wont kill me! I can't do it myself because God said that then I will be just as much to blame as Satan is.

But he did inform me, God that is, That all the medication that Satan's warriors have con cocked up, that they are very very dangerous! If innocent people get there hands on them, through no fault of their own then they could still go to the everlasting Paradise, because they was made while Satan was hurled down to this earth.

Sooooo! The medication prescribed to me, by my Psychiatrist, I am saving for a rainy day! Then when I've got enough to kill me then I will take them and I will go to this everlasting Paradise. But I've got to save enough so it does the job proper, otherwise, If I don't, then I will have to follow Satan to HELL! and I don't want that.

Have to go now

outofmymind
 
scottsblue

scottsblue

Well-known member
Founding Member
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Messages
1,902
Location
England
most evenings round about this time all i think about is suicide,:(
 
outofmymind

outofmymind

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2008
Messages
12
Location
over the cuckoo's nest!
Today is another day, thank God!

No matter what God or doctrine you believe in, if you become attached to it, your belief will be based more or less on a self-centered idea..... In constantly seeking to actualize your ideal, you will have no time for composure.
 
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outofmymind

outofmymind

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2008
Messages
12
Location
over the cuckoo's nest!
Today is another day, thank God!

No matter what God or doctrine you believe in, if you become attached to it, your belief will be based more or less on a self-centered idea..... In constantly seeking to actualize your ideal, you will have no time for composure.
 
R

rusaved

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 31, 2008
Messages
140
Location
Sydney, Australia
Good on you

Hi

I know it’s been a few weeks since these posts were written but I’ve only just read them.
I am a Christian and want to say that it is not God punishing you. It is Satan messing with your mind to keep you away from God.
If you want to overcome Satan you need to be connecting with God and learning ways to do this.
Satan is powerful and most times we cannot do it in our own strength, but God can overcome him and we need to call on his help with prayer – that is talking to him and asking him. .
I’m assuming you’ve made Jesus your Lord and Saviour – asked him into your heart and forgive your sins.
I have found help by staying on my meds while learning God’s ways. Those ways included meeting with God’s people at Church, praying with other believer’s, reading His Word (the Bible – cos Satan hates that) singing favourite christian songs
Sometimes I moved forward and sometimes backward (cos Satan may fight harder if he sees God is winning with you), but after aprox 4 years I gradually came off one of my meds and after a few more years I gradually came off the other one. So I was on meds for 7 years and have been off them for 2 years now.
You don’t have to share with people straight away about your condition. Just ease in and give yourself time to develop friendships. On a once a week basis it can take months, but go to learn and hear about God first.
What do you think?

From the Bible:
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:2
:)
 
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A

Apotheosis

Guest
Rusaved - We don't all go with a Christian paradigm; personally I go with the idea that there is no devil. Although I presume your post was to "outofmymind".
 
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