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Can't stop thinking about an altercation from 6 months ago.

MrBond007

MrBond007

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Nov 16, 2020
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22
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England
Okay so, I just want to point out I live in a fairly rough town in England. I have Asperger's syndrome as well as anxiety and depression. I have been on medication (20mg flouxetine) for the last year and a half. Now firstly, I have always had issues about not letting certain things slide and taking things too personally. It stems from growing up, considering how much I was picked on during my childhood and throughout school (I am currently doing my final year of college before going to university). Every time someone would say something or do something to me, I would think about it constantly for the rest of the day, if not days. This resorted me to start doing weights, exercising and boxing when I was 12. So anyways, 6 months ago. I was walking to my local store down the street. As I was walking down the street I noticed two scrawny lads riding on the back of a push bike. One of the lads riding on the back had turned to me saying something like "What are you looking at, you f***ing fat t***". At that point, I think I must've snapped and ended up running after them. As I came up to their bike from behind, the lad on the back noticed me and they both threw the bike down and started running. I continued to chase the one that had called me, and he continued to run off (in the middle of the road, where there are cars going back and fourth), turning around shouting back at me calling me fat, ugly, swearing at me, etc. I continued to chase him hoping to get a hold of him, but he kept running across the road, nearly getting himself hit in the process. As he ran into the road, a car had stopped and pipped at him (the driver then called him a f***ing pr*** lol). From what I can remember, I think he got out his phone and started trying to record or take a picture of me or something (I wasn't really sure what he was trying to do), but I kept chasing him, to which he ran across the road again.

As he was running he started talking to his phone as if he was talking to someone. I heard him saying "I don't know but he's fat" or something like that. The lad that was riding the bike however had stayed with his bike in the same position and was actually apologizing to me for his friend's behavior, and he told me that he is always like this. Anyways, I quickly took the situation as a lost cause considering the fact he kept running off in the middle of a busy road instead of taking me on like a man. And since his friend had already apologized, my initial thought process was to just leave it because really there was nothing I could do unless I want to end up in jail (which I really don't lol). I quickly regretted this though as I continued to walk to the store and as I looked back I saw him walking down the opposite side of the road staring at me giving me dirty looks but not saying anything though, just glaring at me. Anyways I came home shortly after this, and I ended up having a meltdown because I was just absolutely fuming. Words can honestly not describe how angry I was. I would clench my fists and scream off the top of my lungs with pure frustration and hatred. I kept telling myself that I should've got a hold of him and did this and that. I was honestly so angry. And I felt terrible with myself because I was called fat and ugly and that really took its tole on my self-confidence, which only made me even more angry, and gave me an even stronger urge on wanting to go back out and find him.

And I continued to feel like this for several weeks after it happened and to this day it still really bugs me. I just really don't know what to do about it at this point. I think about this situation every day and each time I end up getting extremely wound up by it. I often feel the same with things such as bad moments from my childhood, or throughout school, high school, college, etc but this is the worst it's ever been. Normally when I am in these types of moods, I would end up going to the gym and lift weights, or preferably punch the heavy bag till my arms would ache. But considering lockdown, all the gyms have been closed so I just didn't know what to do with all this built up anger. And after 6 months, I still feel infuriated about this and I just don't know what to do at this point that would help me forget about it.
 
N

Nukelavee

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And after 6 months, I still feel infuriated about this and I just don't know what to do at this point that would help me forget about it.
Sounds like it will take some time for you to disengage from teh memory.

I understand how you feel, I can nurse that kind of feeling for years, sadly -at least, I used to. I've gotten a bit better about it, though.

The last time it really stuck with me, whenever I found/find myself replaying the event, and imagining different ways it could have gone, I remind myself it's in the past, it's done, it's a matter of record, it can't be changed, and there is no point trying to rewrite it to the ending I'd prefer.

In your case, from the sounds of it - you were lucky the twerp stayed out of your grasp, you don't need the police after you. But, having said that - dude, in my books, you won. you weren't an easy target, you made him run.

Wish I had some better insight for you, dude.
 
MrBond007

MrBond007

Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2020
Messages
22
Location
England
Thank you Nuke! That made me feel a bit better of the situation :)
 

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