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Can't stop feeling guilty - Please Help - Long Post

J

JD1927

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Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
So, I posted a bit about this a while ago but as tonight has brought me right down once again, I thought I'd kind of repost from scratch and rewrite exactly what's gone on.

As I've said previously, I had a breakup about 3 weeks ago now that brought up a lot of the issues I used to suffer with and triggered a full on breakdown. I was strung along for a while and told that we were okay to keep things slow as we still had feelings for each other...what I didn't realise is that she never intended to try and was already seeing someone else. She also said that I was too serious about everything and just wanted to keep things casual.

The culmination of everything at once made me have a week written off work due to feeling like I couldn't handle things. While I did manage to acknowledge that things were over during that time, my main issue has always been that I care too much for people.

I'm not saying that I still have romantic feelings, but since the original split I've just felt guilty, even though I've done nothing wrong. It's hard to explain. I tried multiple times to reach out to her and just reassure her that I didn't blame her for anything. Bearing in mind that out of the kindness of my heart, without her asking, I covered her rent and multiple bills reaching the region of £500-600 easily.

Her response to me saying I'm happy to stay friends and that she could come to me with any issues was just met with her rather rudely suggesting I shouldn't blame her (When the whole point of the message was quite the opposite.) Tonight at work was the first night back where we were both on shift together and it has just been the worst.

My head ran all sorts of scenarios before coming in and I was expecting some sort of atmosphere but there was nothing. We were sat out of eyesight for the whole shift and didn't say anything....but I just felt bad for a reason I just can't explain. Shortly after she left, I realised she has now blocked me on messenger...it's just the principle of the whole thing...I've been nothing but civil the whole way through and even made sure I didn't look mopey tonight...and all that's happened is she's made me feel like this, totally worthless and just dealt with in a really childish way. Considering all I've done for her, I never expected or wanted us to get back together, but I did think maybe she'd be a bit more mature with the way she's dealt with stuff.

I still have another 4 hours of my shift to go and I'm struggling not to break down to be honest. All I did was try and support her, and during my time dealing with this I've relapsed on self harming and I'm actually in therapy now purely because of the reaction I've had to this.

Really just need some help or input or whatever from whoever is about at this time and can help. I was turning a corner on this and I know I shouldn't be bothered with her blocking me, people had told me to do it already for closure and I refused cos I didnt want animosity but I guess the fact she's done it and closed me off first despite all I've done just makes me feel totally broke again.

Sorry if a bit of this is rambling, I just really need help right now or someone to stay with me and help me get through the rest of this shift, literally begging.

Thanks for reading.
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
791
Location
California, USA
Hey, I'm really sorry you are going through this. I think in the long run you will be much better off without her, but I know right now it hurts.
So, I would suggest you quit trying to reach out to her, or try for any contact. It must be really tough to have to work together - I'm not sure what you could do about that, besides find a new job.
 
J

JD1927

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
I know, I can't physically reach out to contact her now anyway since she's blocked me and we don't speak in work at the moment. I don't have any plans to try and get back with her, and if she asked me, I'd have to say no because of the way I've felt during all this.

I guess, because I just want to try and get on with everyone, and the effort I put in, it hurts to have that swept under the rug, especially considering the financial assistance, even if I never asked for it back.

I know in my heart I'm better off without her, and I'm becoming a stronger person it's just very difficult. It seems every time I get a bit better and rebuild myself a bit, she gets stuck in my mind and I feel shit again.

First it was the response, then it was finding out she'd been seeing someone else while stringing me along and now this. I just feel so worthless at the moment, I really expected better.
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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Feb 8, 2019
Messages
791
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California, USA
You are grieving the loss of this relationship, what you thought it was, so, yeah, it will take time.
You do deserve better! Now that this relationship is over, someday you’ll be ready to find it.
 
J

JD1927

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
Gone right back down again today. I knew it'd be a bit of a rocky road for a while just because it's early days yet but I kinda feel like I've gone completely backwards. I had managed to clear my head of negative thoughts about the breakup and accept I had to move on.

While I still realise this, I can't stop thinking about her and how unfair the whole situation is tonight. I've had to take a break from my shift multiple times to go out and get some air, and was really struggling to keep a brave face on it when I felt my lip trembling in the office.

While there's no anger or anything as I've always said, someone told me today that she's already updated her relationship status to in a relationship again and it's just been floating in my head all night, this other person whose returned into her life and the two of them are off and happy.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to take anyone's happiness away and I've always said as long as she's happy nothing else matters, it's just been dragging me down. I was doing okay yesterday and tonight has just been a real downer. I knew itd be a while, but I didn't think that I'd be back to crying again.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Mar 19, 2019
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10,676
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All this reaching out to her and just wanting her to be happy is entirely unnatural in a break-up!

You should be angry!

You should feel you deserve far better treatment.

You should feel relief that it went no further than it did or it would have cost you far more money and far more heartbreak.

You really need to disconnect from her mentally now - close the door - and get on with taking care of yourself.

Honestly? You're wasting a huge amount of anxiety and tension over somebody who is in a new relationship and you're just a speck in her rear view mirror...time for a bit of dignity now :hug:

Book in some heartbreak at home - tears, sad songs, tissues and a box of chocolates....grieve and let it all out in privacy...and then move on. xx
 
J

JD1927

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
12
Location
UK
I have moved on in my head, I don't feel angry cos I'm not that kind of person. It's only just been over a week and I've improved a lot in that time...but it will take time to heal properly. I don't feel I deserve better treatment because I simply don't care about myself.

I appreciate what you're saying and for reaching out in the first place, but it's hard to disconnect from someone mentally when you see them 4-5 nights a week at work...I've done very well this week to come in at all and keep my head high but things do bring me down, it's only natural.

I'm seeing a therapist at the moment and I've made a lot of positive steps to myself but it's still a healing process.
 
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