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Can't Shake the Guilt

C

Crazy4Meows

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Nov 12, 2018
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2
Hello.
I'm new to the forum, unfortunately not new to having Borderline Personality Disorder, but new to the diagnosis and treatment.

I was wondering if anyone else has feelings of extreme guilt for distancing themselves away from a narcissist parent and the family who doesn't (and never has) acknowledge or notice their behavior?
I've literally moved 1000 miles away, 2 states away, alone, to be away from them. For a while I continued to talk to them but after I started allowing myself to understand how their actions truly have messed me up and caused so much pain in my life, I've essentially cut my communication off with them. I'm now feeling incredibly selfish and guilty for doing so. I have a niece, who is 9 years old, who doesn't understand why I never come to visit anymore. My dad just recently had knee replacement surgery and I can't find the courage or motivation to pick up the phone to call. I know if I go home to visit I will stay with my mother, the narcissist, and if I call my dad she will grab the phone and insist on speaking to me. This will trigger all the emotions and feelings I've been battling to improve on.

So why do I feel so guilty, should I, would anyone else, or is anyone else going through anythingsimilar to this?
I could really use some advice. I feel like I'm losing my mind and at a constant battle between right and wrong with myself.

Thanks.
 
calypso

calypso

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:welcome: to the forum. I hope that you can overcome the guilt soon. They are yourparents which is why you feel the guilt I suspect and despite the behaviour of your mother, you still want to belong?

Idon't think you are wrong to leave them to it. Your father should have protected you from your mother's behaviour.

I hope that soon others will be along to help you out.
 
Jbb79

Jbb79

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I Know that guilt, for a long time I Was controlled, by my anger, towards my mom x x Then I Finally realized, It was poisoning me, Making me Less Happy x xx

Now I Have the attitude, If she Mis-behaves, I Shut her out, for some time, but if she is nice, She'll be let in, Again x x

I'm Now open, To forgiveness, They just must Earn it, By being nice, A Little while, First x xx So, I Never close my door, I Just wait for them to, Come around x x
 
G

Girl interupted

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The best thing you ever did for yourself was to create distance. Do not feel guilty about that. I had a NPD mom, who was exactly the same as yours. They rely on you feeling guilty to return and become a good mirror. Stop being the mirror and suffer emotional abuse.

That said, after 50 years of struggling with this, my therapist gave me peace when she helped me to realize that my mom was ill. That no amount of talk or reasoning would make her acknowledge how terrible she had been. In her mind, she did nothing wrong, because of her illness.

I was able to get some emotional distance when I viewed her threats and abuse through the lens that she really didn’t understand what she was doing was so very wrong.

Keep your distance if you find it’s helping. With a NPD mom and likely a gaslighting father, there will a,ways be some big crisis that pulls at those guilt triggers. My deepest sadness later in life was realizing my father wasn’t a victim of her abuse like me, but was actually complicit in supporting it.

Go home and visit, but only when YOU are ready.

If you aren’t in therapy, I recommend going, so that you can learn some tools that will dampen those guilt triggers.
 
Last edited:
Jbb79

Jbb79

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Good advice, from Girl-interupted x x

Don't get angry, Keeping anger alive, is Toxic - - Simply shut them out, until they grow mellower, then when they are nice, let them in - - for me, Hating my Mom became it's own Problem . .
 
Jbb79

Jbb79

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It's a Back and, forth thing - Some-times it Regresses, then it's time to say, I Can't handle any-more, Don't Invite them, for a Month, Stick to short e-mails, for Any contact x x
 
Jbb79

Jbb79

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Simply say, you don't have much time or, is pre-occupied, keep the visits short - - Keeping an Aggressive parent To managable Contact, Not too Much Or, Too little, Is very good x xx
 
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