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Can't see any other way to happiness but suicide.

F

fluffaliss

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2015
Messages
1
Well I really don’t know where to start and so will just start typing. I have been the victim of 3 paedophiles in my life one of which was my brother in my teenage years. When I spoke to my parents 7 years ago that my brother molested me in the teenage years and was now molesting his stepdaughter and we were taking him to court they have not spoken to me since. And that is basically all they were told or would listen to. The phone call to my mother was a couple of minutes long and the one to my father 1 minute long as I was going to see both of them, but did not get to (too long to go into) and that was the end of both relationships with my parents. My mother supported him in court and my brother was bailed into the house that I half own with my father that he lives in! No closure here for me. I have a husband who is the loveliest, kindest man but lives in front of the computer and my 14 year old daughter lives in her room and told me last week that when she grows up and moves out we will no longer have a relationship as I have the audacity to ask her to help with some house work and am now depressing, even though she knows that her not helping around the house and constantly arguing with me is a big part of the problem. I work long hours in a very hard job that is killing me and paying well below the correct wages, around $10 per hour, should be around at least $20, I am in Australia. I am 49. My husband works only 6 – 7 hours a day, which does not earn enough to get us out of the quagmire but has no intention of getting a better job. We would like to buy our own home, only $300,000 but as we don’t earn a lot we cannot get a mortgage even though I have never missed a beat with our previous mortgage repayments and still have all my rent receipts going back 30 years to prove that I have never ever been late or had bad credit, I have always paid everything!!! Also a mortgage would be $100pw less than we are paying in rent. Unbelievable. I am actually a fun loving, outgoing person who is dying in a house with an uninterested husband who spends all his time off in front of the computer or telly, truly uninterested in anything else. If I want to go somewhere he will tag along but I am acutely aware that he is not really interested just coming along to keep me happy. But I am not happy and have been feeling very down for years now and truly feel that the only way out from the stress of not enough money is suicide and feel that I am nearly there. My husband wants me to get medicated but I know what depresses me:
1. The stress of being vulnerable in a rental having to move every few years when they sell the houses that we have been renting. I know that if I had the security of our own home I would have a lot less stress.
2. A daughter that causes an argument if asked to do anything at all even though she knows how I am now suicidally depressed but still won’t help.
3. I want to have fun and am allowed to go out all I want, but as all my friends now live too far away or have gone by the by I would have to go out alone. Not the same. Also not enough money, again.
4. No friends or family.
5. Not enough money, I know that more money would make my life a lot happier. “Money doesn’t buy happiness”. Rubbish! For me it would take away the stress very much and give me the where withal.
6. I am an intelligent, personable, outgoing, funny and very likeable person that leaves everybody laughing and feeling good whilst dying inside as I feel so desperately lonely and suicidal now.
7. I should have a much better job with my qualifications but with 300 people applying for the jobs I don’t have a hope, I know as I have applied for a whole variety of jobs in the last 6 months since we sold our business.
Meds won’t help me, but my husband trying to earn more money so we can buy our own house and a daughter to not be so difficult and belligerent would go a long way. There are other things which are not helping but too much to go into. This has now been a long time coming. I don’t know how much longer I can go on for now as I think of suicide constantly now and am frightened as I am now feeling better about suicide as I truly do see it as my only way out short of winning lotto, being able to buy a house and have cheap holidays to enjoy new things instead staying home with no friends and an uninteresting husband. I do not believe in the afterlife or heaven or hell. But I am a good person of good morals.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
If you don't believe in an afterlife, then happiness cannot come from suicide, because you would be killing your faculties to be happy. Happiness wouldn't exist anymore because you wouldn't exist anymore. It doesn't make sense.

:hug1:

I'm so sorry you're been through what you have. I was molested by my brother too, and I can't imagine what it would've been like to endure that sort of treatment from two more people; I had enough trouble convincing myself I was worth something after what happened to me. It must feel like the world is conspiring against you - but please, please remember that you didn't deserve any of it, and there are things you can do right now to help you reach a balance in your life where you can manage your pain and move forward.

You absolutely should get medication if this is how you're feeling. You need to be able to put things into perspective and medication will help you do that. Your husband sounds like a lovely man who just needs to make a few changes, and your 14-year-old daughter will regret ever having said that to you; I guarantee it. You really do have a lot to be thankful for and to enjoy in your life. But I know it can seem way too much for anyone to handle; you're doing so well to have got through everything you've been through, and now you're struggling in terms of your job and in terms of moving forward financially, and that's really hard.

It sounds like you have a lot of issues surrounding what happened with your family (as anyone would) which you need to sort out before you can see the good in your life right now. I don't know how you're carrying on with that much pain in the back of your mind.

Please, please get in contact with your GP as soon as possible. I really wish you all the best.
 
katya

katya

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 4, 2013
Messages
2,052
Location
England
I should've said in my original post that medication isn't right for everyone, but I do think you should be seeking out some kind of therapy for your own sake right now. Big hugs.
 
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