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Can't maintain relationships... what is wrong with me?

M

macy2012

Member
Joined
Nov 12, 2012
Messages
11
Hi there,
I need honest advice as to why it is that I have so much trouble with relationships. Not just intimate relationships, but relationships with friends and family as well. For as long as I can remember I have always had trouble maintaining friendships with people.I have no problem actually making friends- I'm outgoing, bubbly, and I really do care about the well-being of other people. I know I have trust issues and it's hard for me to open up to people, but over time I do let down my wall and let people in. I feel like after a while though I get let down by people. I have never had an easy life but I try my best to push through the best that I can and not bring other people down when I am. However, I feel like when I need people the most they aren't there for me. My closest relationships have always been with my grandparents, and I recently lost my nana. This has been a very traumatic experience for me, and I feel like both my best friend and my boyfriend abandoned me in my time of need. I'm a really loyal person and will always stick up for my friends and family no matter what, but I feel like whenever I need someone to take my side, they don't. I know I'm far from a perfect person and I make mistakes and am bitchy/ will snap at people sometimes. But when I realize that I've done so I apologize sincerely and do my best to make up for it. My parents have never been understanding of me, my sister is too wrapped up in her own life to care about me and has never wanted anything to do with me, I had to leave my friends from university to come home because I was too broke to stay there and they eventually stopped speaking to me, my boyfriend is nice to me for one day and then starts getting mad at me for no reason that I can understand and leaves me for days, and I overall feel completely alone. I work full time to pay my way through school and all my other living expenses from morning til 6 and then go to school til 10 every day and don't have time to join committees or meet new people. I'm exhausted, stressed out, I'm already taking anxiety and anti- depressants prescribed by my doctor but I feel like I'm sinking so far into a slump. I hate being alone and I'm always alone. I've come to realize that I must be doing something wrong or there must just be something wrong with me that other people see that I don't. It doesn't make sense that everyone around me is able to maintain healthy relationships and I can't, but it's killing me. I don't enjoy life unless I'm with people, and people don't want to be around me. Please help!! (sorry for the long, pathetic message) Thank You.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,529
Location
The West Country
I can totally relate to this! Here's the conclusion i've come to, it may ring true for you too, it may not...

Now this might sound harsh, but I think there's a chance people can sometimes expect too much. Not because they're not deserving of loving, loyal relationships with people, but because they themselves care too much.. They give too much, and as a result they just assume that others think the way that they do...

Would you say that you're a sensitive person?
Because I also find that sensitive people are easily hurt and disappointed by others, not necessarily because of people's actions - but because of the thought they think is behind it.
Let me give you an example.. when I was in school, people used to flippantly call me names.
It wasn't the names I was called that hurt me (the names were actually quite accurate :rolleyes:), it was the fact that I thought to myself "I'd never say that type of thing to anybody, no matter angry I was at them or how much I disliked them. Therefore, that person must really hate me to be saying such mean things...".
In truth, they didn't hate me, they were totally indifferent. I was just projecting my way of thinking onto them, and got hurt as a result of that.

So maybe when that person doesn't return your call, doesn't consider your feelings, doesn't listen to you the way you listen to them, doesn't apologise - it's not because they don't honour you or like you - it's because they actually genuinely just don't think to behave in that way.

I'm sure people here may have a totally different opinion. But for me, I know my lack of maintaining isn't down to my own actions. I don't do anything wrong as such. I realise it's because other people just aren't as committed or affectionate as I am, and that's really nobody's fault.
 
F

fallen

Former member
I'm beginning to realise just that, Somerset-it has put a whole new spin on things for me.:)

Macy, you have been through such a lot and are under pressure with work etc too-perhaps you could take some time out for yourself?
Relationships have been hard for me too and I've come to realise that I often do what others expect me to do, rather than putting myself first. Sometimes this has resulted in a build up of animosity and the end of friendships because I didn't speak up earlier.
I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you, perhaps you need another way of viewing others and yourself-it sounds like you have low self-esteem, am I right?
It sounds like anti-ds aren't quite working for you. Have you thought of doing therapy to help you deal with your feelings?
Of course, you are welcome to continue talking on here-there will be many who will relate to your problems and support you.

:hug1:
 
M

macy2012

Member
Joined
Nov 12, 2012
Messages
11
Thank you both for responding... Yeah I think you're right. I probably do expect a lot from people... I am definitely a sensitive person and I guess I have low self- esteem... I guess it's just hard for me to come to terms with the fact that people don't think as I do. I feel like I go out of my way to have people's backs when I get nothing like that in return. I have seen therapists in the past and am starting to see someone new next week but I haven't found them to be helpful as of yet. I will give it another shot though for sure.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,529
Location
The West Country
It is really hard to accept, I agree. I still struggle, and think "my god, is it really that hard for people to think about my feelings?!". People are just wired differently I suppose.
But the important thing to remember is not to take it personally, or feel like people are rejecting you because they aren't. Deep down nobody wants you to be feeling so put out or hurt.
 

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