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Can't live like this

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neety41

New member
Joined
Jan 10, 2010
Messages
3
I apologise for the rather long story but it's all important to how i feel. 3 years ago i was found to have a very rare tumour in a difficult place (initially thought to be a bartholins cyst), surgery was agony as it was a surprise and i was back and to into hospital for weeks with complications (bleeding and pain etc). When the report came back it was thought to be a harmless tumour but I had done my research and disagreed, I had further MRI scans and insisted that my consultant spoke to the Royal Marsden in London as i was sure i was right (I am a nurse myself). 10 months later i was in London being told that i was right!! This meant that the tumour would return if we got rid of the rest of it anyway, we had to use medication to shrink it which then caused huge cysts that popped (ovarian) and so was rushed into hospital and had to have ovaries removed, immediate menopause. This is when the fun began. I had been ill for nearly 2 years by this time and 7 weeks post op I hit the floor mentally, ended up taking an overdose and nearly dying in A&E, i refused to be admitted to hospital as i work there, the psychiatrist told me i was deeply depressed, i was commenced on Citalopram and had the crisis team out every day for a week, they were brilliant. I went back to work a few weeks later as i was broke and regular MRI scans have continued. The tumour has now returned and i have started a new treatment called Zoladex. 2 months into the treatment (it blocks oestrogen from the tumour), i feel 'low' again, told my GP i was concerned but he did nothing. I feel agitated, depressed, have a short fuse and cry all the time. I can't take this, i know that this treatment is the only option but i feel so awful, am unbearable to be around too. Everything angers me, even things i can do nothing about!! I am so reluctant to go back on anti depressants as i don't like feeling 'numb'. I don't have a man in my life but i hated not being able to have an orgasm on the pills, this contributed to the final nail in the coffin of a bad relationship anyway. Am going to see a nice GP on tuesday and see what she says. I just feel i want to stay at home and feel sorry for myself, I have holidays to look forward to but everything seems so much effort. I work hard and i don't like being bored but i feel every thing is just too much at the moment and am worried i am losing it altogether.:scared:
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,719
Location
Yorkshire
Hi there,

Welcome to the forum.

Sorry that you've had such a tough time both in the past and now. The only thing I can suggest is to try and talk about your situation with people that you are close to and are comfortable with (does this include your GP, hmmm, maybe not but talk to them all the same and take your time).

It's great that you have come on here as this is another great place to get to know some great people who can be a real support. You've taken a big step just writing down your story here, well done and do keep posting.

Take care,
Honey, xx
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
No suprise

Not surprised you feel the way you do.......!

You do sound that you have a deep depression, and are begining to realise how debilitating it can be, and what little help the drugs can be esp for a long periodes of time.

You feel bad about having depression, and from the sounds of it a little angry at yourself, dont be, you have every right to feel down.

As for help, use the help lines, not just the crisis team, but also people like the Samaritons, and others .... if there are groups in your are that provide "mutual" support for cancer suffers join one,

You may just feel like you are venting or that it wont help you, but I think just having outsiders to listern esp ones that understand your situation is helpful.

I have been living with depression for over 20 years, somtimes a distraction helps, a silly hobbie, jigsaws, crossword, sewing, music, somthing that distracts 'you' and helps take your mind off it.

Because of what brought you to be depressed if your cancer is sent into remission, you will almost certainly get over the depression, and return to the way you were before.

Please dont take notice of those that may put you down for being depressed, it is not a 'choice' or that you should 'just pick yourself up', treat yourself a little more lightly and dont expect as much from yourself.

Take care ..... boB ......:flowers:
 
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neety41

New member
Joined
Jan 10, 2010
Messages
3
Thanks

I will speak to the GP, it's a different one than the one i have my treatment from, he is a bit 'old school', this one is lovely. I think depression runs in my family too, my mum has always had it. The thing with this tumour is it's not curable as such, but also may not kill me either, it's just there and nobody knows what it will do. Only 150 in the world and has only killed 2 women so far, it was discovered in 1983, in the words of the experts 'prognosis is difficult to predict, as we don't know how it will behave'. It's like a black cloud to be honest. I am finding work difficult at the moment, yet am a very capable, confident nurse apparantly. I don't feel confident at the moment, start a new job tomorrow in A&E!! They all know me cos i worked there before and of course i nearly died there from the overdose, embarrassing to say the least, they have been lovely to me tho, maybe i will feel better once i have done tomorrow's shift, i hope so. Don't like not being in control of my feelings, it's alien to me. I have brought up 2 kids by myself, relied on nobody, my son is 26 and my daughter is a difficult 15, not easy in itself but me being like this is making life worse, incidentally, my daughter has had depression problems already, her dad has borderline personality disorder too, not good.:(
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
Haah

Glad you AnE experience was ok, a lot on here have had bad experiences, me included......... :(
 
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neety41

New member
Joined
Jan 10, 2010
Messages
3
Went to see my GP, she was great, put me back on citalopram tho i wasn't keen due to side effects. She said she will ring my doctors in London to see what they say but i honestly don't think there is an alternative option, the treatment has to continue so i guess they will suggest i stay on the citalopram:unsure:
 
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