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Can't let go of the past

cpuusage

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i'm sure this is a difficulty for a lot of us.

i can't seem to let go of certain things from the past, especially the time of my first psychosis & hospitalisation. It was almost 25 years ago.

i feel i need proper psychological help to work through it all, but i can't seem to find appropriate help & someone that will really listen. Have tried sharing it all on-line & with friends over the years, but it isn't the same thing & doesn't release it. i've tried 7 therapists over the years - it has never worked out with any of them.

i've also tried alternative healers, which has been some help. i just wonder if i'll ever be able to fully let go of & accept it all.
 
Grape

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Gosh i hope so. Mine were up to five years ago and still haunt me. I did actually see a specialist in trauma, a consultant clinical psychologist, privately. Just for about four months. All he did was teach me deep breathing, listen, tell me that it was all over now, i was safe, and that i needed to get back to work/back to my life pre illness, he taught me EFT, and how to picture a relaxing place. We did a little EMDR but only the early stages like alternate elbow tapping with the hand, because he said if it is more than one expreience, EMDR is not suitable as it would be like shaking a bottle of champagne and popping the cork. He didn't really help. I guess he told me i was an HSP which helped a little. He validated my experiences. Said he had to see it through my eyes. It was nice to talk to a kind person, but generally he didn't really understand, well, he did understand but there was very little he could do more to the point. They cannot wave a magic wand for us.
 

cpuusage

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Gosh i hope so. Mine were up to five years ago and still haunt me. I did actually see a specialist in trauma, a consultant clinical psychologist, privately. Just for about four months. All he did was teach me deep breathing, listen, tell me that it was all over now, i was safe, and that i needed to get back to work/back to my life pre illness, he taught me EFT, and how to picture a relaxing place. We did a little EMDR but only the early stages like alternate elbow tapping with the hand, because he said if it is more than one expreience, EMDR is not suitable as it would be like shaking a bottle of champagne and popping the cork. He didn't really help. I guess he told me i was an HSP which helped a little. He validated my experiences. Said he had to see it through my eyes. It was nice to talk to a kind person, but generally he didn't really understand, well, he did understand but there was very little he could do more to the point. They cannot wave a magic wand for us.
Unless people have experienced it all, then they can't understand, & we're unique individuals, no 2 lives are the same.

A friend has found EFT very helpful.

Some days are better than others, & i have made a lot of progress - But the initial experience i had goes round & round in my head.
 
Grape

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It's very traumatic going through all of that. I think many don't appreciate how traumatic it is.
 

cpuusage

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It's very traumatic going through all of that. I think many don't appreciate how traumatic it is.
Unless someone has gone through it all, i don't think they have any idea. Was in a state of terror & extreme psychosis, arrested multiple times, beaten up, sectioned, forced loads of drugs, wrestled to the floor & injected multiple times, locked in strong room a lot, & i believe sexually abused by the staff.

Most of the 4 or so months during that first hospitalisation i can't remember. & that was the start of 15 or so years of a lot of psychosis & difficulties.

The past 10 years things have been generally stable, but not without a lot of difficulties still. i don't think many people have a clue.
 
Grape

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The after effects seem to last forever. I have been told about people having PTSD from bad treatment during episodes of illness. I absolutely believe that to be true. Although i haven't been through as much as you, i can identify with terror and forced treatment, and i think the PTSD criteria says something about 'fear, helplessness and horror'. The psychologist i saw in London said he has seen people before that were deeply traumatised due to bad treatment. Psychosis, he did mention psychosis. He said even though it's not 'real' fear it feels real and that is the point.
 

cpuusage

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The after effects seem to last forever. I have been told about people having PTSD from bad treatment during episodes of illness. I absolutely believe that to be true. Although i haven't been through as much as you, i can identify with terror and forced treatment, and i think the PTSD criteria says something about 'fear, helplessness and horror'. The psychologist i saw in London said he has seen people before that were deeply traumatised due to bad treatment. Psychosis, he did mention psychosis. He said even though it's not 'real' fear it feels real and that is the point.
imo it's beyond fear, it's terror - & few know it. It's real.

i think it does all cause PTSD - the experience of it all & the treatment.

Feels like it was yesterday still & it was 25 years ago.
 
Grape

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Terror yes

I'm being a bit selfish here but to think it i all fresh in you mind after 25 years, and mine was only 5 years ago, well, it makes me worried that i will still feel like it is all fresh, like i do now. Fresh as the day it happened is what i tell the samaritans. But the samaritans don't understand because many cannot believe that the mh profs could harm us, it is not a popular thing to say, even to a GP, and i tried telling my old GP about how awful it was and how i didn't want to go back to the CMHT. He sort of understood eventually, but i had to be careful how i worded it.

I just don't know what the solution is. They say time fades memories, but it is extremely slow. That psychologist i saw in London, he said that sometimes we shouldn't talk about it but let it rest, leave it in the past. But it sounds like you need to talk about it but haven't found the right person. I paid £50 an hour for him which was pretty deer on benefits but i learnt a lot. His usual fee was £70 per session!

I do think you have to pay for quality and experience though.
 

cpuusage

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Terror yes

I'm being a bit selfish here but to think it i all fresh in you mind after 25 years, and mine was only 5 years ago, well, it makes me worried that i will still feel like it is all fresh, like i do now. Fresh as the day it happened is what i tell the samaritans. But the samaritans don't understand because many cannot believe that the mh profs could harm us, it is not a popular thing to say, even to a GP, and i tried telling my old GP about how awful it was and how i didn't want to go back to the CMHT. He sort of understood eventually, but i had to be careful how i worded it.

I just don't know what the solution is. They say time fades memories, but it is extremely slow. That psychologist i saw in London, he said that sometimes we shouldn't talk about it but let it rest, leave it in the past. But it sounds like you need to talk about it but haven't found the right person. I paid £50 an hour for him which was pretty deer on benefits but i learnt a lot. His usual fee was £70 per session!

I do think you have to pay for quality and experience though.
A lot of people in the system & that have been through it all defend it all as well. Very few see it all for what it is.

i think i need to shift focus onto areas totally unconnected with mental health. i can't see that i'm ever going to get the kind of understanding & support i'm looking for.
 
M

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I have struggled with PTSD and a few bouts of psychosis. Mainly I struggle with a suicidal existentialism that makes my life feel useless and like I don't belong here on a spiritual and psycho- emotional level. There's a terrible alienation in all of it. And I have been hospitalized so many times I am now jaded by the whole experience. There are so many dehumanizing aspects perpetrated by the staff and doctors. I feel like a persona non grata-- just follow the rules, don't give anyone any trouble and do what your doctor dictates. I fucking hate it! Sorry for the outburst but so much " treatment" I have received has made me worse, not better. I feel very alone and don't know what to do about it. I have even let the hospital zap my brain-- a terrifying experience that did nothing for me except destroy my memory. So, my heart goes out to all of us.
 
Jonwal

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That's something else that's wrong with it ppl who have the knowledge charging to help others. I'd ring his bloody neck if it was me and chase him down the road until he couldn't run anymore then I'd finish him. Human connection isn't something u have to pay for its a fucking birth right. One man laughed at my clothes and I chased him round the car park until he dropped. Actually I didn't but I tried to I lost sight of him as he got into a car. He knew his life was in danger and that was the right attitude on my behalf. Sigh awaiting sectioning
 

cpuusage

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I have struggled with PTSD and a few bouts of psychosis. Mainly I struggle with a suicidal existentialism that makes my life feel useless and like I don't belong here on a spiritual and psycho- emotional level. There's a terrible alienation in all of it. And I have been hospitalized so many times I am now jaded by the whole experience. There are so many dehumanizing aspects perpetrated by the staff and doctors. I feel like a persona non grata-- just follow the rules, don't give anyone any trouble and do what your doctor dictates. I fucking hate it! Sorry for the outburst but so much " treatment" I have received has made me worse, not better. I feel very alone and don't know what to do about it. I have even let the hospital zap my brain-- a terrifying experience that did nothing for me except destroy my memory. So, my heart goes out to all of us.
i feel your one of the people that do understand. You have been through a hell of a lot. XXX
 
SomersetScorpio

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Shit Cpu, I had no idea they treated you so badly.
It's no wonder you're having a hard time letting go of it all.
It's really tough, particularly if there's very little chance of justice and recognition.
I know they say your life will be better if you learn to accept the apology you never got, and that has helped me to an extent, but sometimes it just makes you wonder how such bloody sadists can be working in a trusted position of care and authority.

I don't know the answers to it all, but sending love. x
 

cpuusage

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Shit Cpu, I had no idea they treated you so badly.
It's no wonder you're having a hard time letting go of it all.
It's really tough, particularly if there's very little chance of justice and recognition.
I know they say your life will be better if you learn to accept the apology you never got, and that has helped me to an extent, but sometimes it just makes you wonder how such bloody sadists can be working in a trusted position of care and authority.

I don't know the answers to it all, but sending love. x
Thank you. It's easy to lose sight of the progress i have made at times. & it's easy to get into the one of no one understands/has had it as bad - But obviously a lot of people struggle, go through trauma, & go through similar with their experiences & the mental health system. i saw an NHS psychologist for 10 sessions a few years ago, she apologised for what i went through & the last psychiatrist kind of made some acknowledgement about the traumatic nature of being sectioned. i find it very difficult to not think about it all though, it's my life, & around a year of it spent in psych hospital on 4 admission - & all the rest. i think some get it worse, & i maybe don't acknowledge as fully as i should the stuff other people go through on here.

i wonder how much everything is all part of the condition as well. A lot of people have traumas & difficulties & work through it all, let go of things & move on. As time has gone on my functioning in ways has got worse. The last few years haven't been too good. Increased the medication earlier in the year, & have been very close to taking anti-depressants again. The welfare reforms has done my head in, from what security there was with it all.
 
catkin

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I'm sorry you've been treated so badly cpu. Please bear with me, am sincere in what trying to say. I am replying as altho not had your experience, I can't get past awful experiences that began 25 years ago. Mine weren't to do with services but they are why I ended up needing services. I wanted to say that maybe any dealings with mh services, doctors, the frustration of not finding helpful support or therapy, might be like revisiting abuse that is so hard to escape from, so the feeling of being trapped in the awful past. I've had mixed experience of mh services, nothing anywhere near what you've gone through, and the abuse in my past wasn't at all to do with mh services or a diagnosis or whatever. So when I've had good support, I've seen services as a form of salvation, safety, at times. I can't dismiss this help as it's been lifesaving. Maybe that's where conflict on here arises, as I imagine that just as I can't forgive those that did me harm, you can't either, but services etc are "supposed" to help, care, listen etc, and they haven't helped you, they've harmed.

please don't shout if I've got this wrong, am not in a good way at all myself, just wanted to acknowledge what I read of what you wrote and that I hope I understand some of it, but through different experiences.
x
 
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