Can't cope, won't cope

[Nutter_09]

Hi,

After having a few pretty "good" days, i have now had two down days. Just been lying in bed, only surfacing if i have to. Still waiting for my councelling appointment and have one tomoz for an open door one. I am also due to pop into work for a chat after being off for 3 weeks. I am TERREFIED of tomorrow coming round. The open door one will be "OK" i think, just more questions and having to go over everything again, but just facing work - i know they dont understand but have been quite good - I even had a card. But i know deep down I have p**sed them off for letting them down. My job will have to be covered full time and they will all be very stressed and behind with their own work - which I totally understand. Monday - I was quite excited at the thought of going back, but now I am getting into a right state. I can't stop the "what if" thoughts, no matter how I try or how many sleeping pills I take.
I wish their was a pill so you could just "pause" life.

If i am signed off again, the chances of me returning are much slimmer and also my family will be soo angry - but if i go back, will I become worse????

I am so totally fed up - lying in bed watching Harry Potter over and over seems like my only plan so far.

 

[keepsafe]

Hey Nutter09

Its not easy at all I know. I have been off work now for what seems like ever - since last year. I still am holding on the the possible return to work. I think it is a bad decision to go back to work if you do not feel up to the task, but also there is a catch 22 - the longer you stay off the harder it becomes.

It;s difficult - you are bound to be anxious about it - I think that is only a 'normal' feeling to have of the situation.

Just think - this time tomorrow everything will be done.
KS

 

[Borderline]

Have you tried lorazepam? If not, talk to your doctor about it. I also suffer anxiety, and I find lorazepam to be a quick and effective (albeit temporary) fix to anxiety and racing thoughts. You need a break from your anxiety to assess your situation clearly.

Try to take it easy on yourself. Things are rarely as bad as our minds make it seem. You are putting too much pressure and expectations on yourself. We are only human. Playing 'What If' scenarios in your head will bring anyone down. I'm certainly example of that.

 

[nickh]

If staying in bed and watching Harry Potter is what works for you Nutter then go with it. this is what we old-timers call a 'coping strategy'! Mine also involves returning to things I know, though in my case it is books which explains why I have read Lord of the Rings well over 100 times and some Agatha Christies about 50 . For me there is something very therapeutic in this.

Nick.

 

[unlucky]

I've suffered severe anxiety and clinical depression for years, but was still able to work most of the time - 2 years ago I bacame very ill and was signed off work. The longer I stayed off the more terrified I became of going back, especially since everyone knew it was depression I was off with and I knew everyone would be talking about me - I went back for a month then walked out because I couldn't handle it. The result was that I am now terrified of leaving the house alone.

Take from this what you will, on one hand I think that if I'd stuck with going to work then I would have got through it and not be in the state I am now, but on the other I think that if I had kept going to work I would have had a complete mental breakdown!!

I understand with the coping mechanisms - I have over 200 books and I've read all of them at least 3 times!!

I think the moral of my ramblings is that its very difficult to know when to return to work, but in my opinion its the sooner the better because its very easy to get stuck in a rut.

 

[unlucky]

p.s I hope everything goes well for you today

 

[Nutter_09]

Thanks all,

I am so annoyed, probably paranoid too???
Went to work yesterday for "a cuppa and cake" as they know i am terrefied of returning. I went in after a bad bad night, full of panic and anxiety attacks, even on my journey. Had a quick chat to my 2 coullegues and then was somehow in a more informal meeting with the manager. She went on and on about sick pay, SSP bla bla, and made it seem like I was being blackmailed into returning. On no account did I mention I would be returning Monday, just that i aimed to, depending how I got on. I told them what a state I had been in just thinking about popping in
As far as I know, my doc has signed me off till today and is taking it week by week, so I should be okay to call up monday and see him again without being in trouble at work.
I recieved a letter confirming sick pay stuff, basically none really! And she also said looking forward to seeing you Monday? ?
I do want to get back, but I was in such a state just popping in for a quick chat, what am i going to be like returning full time. I have been offered no ease back in, nothing. Stuff the money, I will really struggle but thats the least of my problems so far.

 

[KP1]

Maybe your GP could sign you off for a bigger period. I remember mine did two weekly certs to start with then moved tolonger periods when it was clear how unwell I was.On the otherhand its good that your GP is seeingyou on a weekly basis he/she can tell how you are progressing that way.

 

[unlucky]

Have you been offered counselling yet? This didn't work for me, but I know it does for a lot of people. Also, has your GP put you on medication? Anti D's take a few weeks to kick in and it may take some time to feel any different. If I were you I would stay away from work altogether if your not going back as a lot of employers think that if you're well enough to pop in then you're well enough to be back in full time which you and I know is bollocks but thats the way they see it.

 

[nickh]

Sorry to hear that the visit to work went so badly Nutter. On the other hand I guess that it made it absolutely clear to you that you are not yet ready to return. Explain exactly what happened and how you felt to your doctor. It may be better to get a sick note for a slightly longer period so you do not have constant anxiety; on the other hand as KP says seeing your GP on a weekly basis is also good.

Nick.

 

[intelgal]

Hi there,

This time last year my depression completly spirelled..... I was in a bad place and just could not function. Work for me was pretty much all that kept me going untill I crashed and despite my reluctance let the Gp sign me off for two weeks... he saw me every two weeks and eventually saw a psych. It was really hard to accept tha I was no good at work in the state I was in and was unsafe and was worsening my health. I have a fmailly who are very work focused and it was VERY hard trying to explain to them why I was off. But slowly but surely I got better and have been able to return to work. I had 7 months of work and have only just gone back full time. You only get one chance... you ve got an illness.. Remember if you had a broken leg would you be in this dilemma

Take care
Intel

 

[Nutter_09]

Thanks everyone for your support!
I have been on anti-d's for about 6 months. Tried various ones before these but these seemed to be working.
Have had 2 assesments for counselling and also got one next week with some psycologist. I sent an email to my boss explaining how i felt again yesterday and that I was not yet 100% sure if i am able to return Monday. No reply yet????? Am getting nervouse just about that.
My family also dont really understand why i am off - They get annoyed if a friend comes over for a chat or just to watch a film. One eve, two friends took me out for dinner, just a meal, no drinking, clubbing etc, quick meal then home and I had murders with them, I am 23 not a child. It's a different story if they want me to pop out and collect something for them or do some chores at home!
What do you all do if signed off? If i stay in bed all day, i get moaned at, but if i do one or two things each day, im cured and shoule return to work!?!?!

 

[unlucky]

Poor you! It must be really difficult when you still stay with your parents. I don't have to explain myself to anyone as my husband works and my daughter is at school during the day. I know if I stayed with my parents that it would be a nightmare because they really don't understand my illness - they just think I'm lazy and feeling sorry for myself. If I've heard 'give yourself a shake' once I've heard it a thousand times!! Try not to worry too much about work, theres nothing they can do if you have a line from you're doctor but I understand it can be worrying to think about going back - theres still such a stigma about mental health no matter what the government and the adverts say!!

 

[anastasia]

nutter, i think a lot of people just don't understand that it's one thing to face going out for dinner with your friends, people you know and are comfortable with, and going back to work with people who you know but who also expect so much from you all the time.

hugs.

i wish i could say more to help

 

[Nutter_09]

Thanks, I just get so angry that it is like this for soo many people. Their is just no support or understanding.
Just realised that I have not been taking my contraception pill too - so out of sorts and forgetting things, just falling deeper and deeper.

Thanks for all your support.

X