cannot stand this lonely

D

darknight

Member
Joined
Feb 8, 2011
Messages
24
Location
Scotland, UK
3rd night this week i have been crying, upset and have cried myself to sleep and it is pathetic i know.

I tried to join in on a web chat on a social anxiety website the other day and felt people were getting fed up with me cos i had my mic on but i said i couldnt speak cos, i literally couldnt and was trying, it was too hard to break in anyway there were about 4 people talking, but they didnt understand and i felt them getting a lil frustrated which just made me feel rejected and that they didnt care anyway.

I personally never really related with the whole social anxiety thing, for me it's different and wanted the psych to see that, with me i physically cant speak, which then causes me anxiety as people do tend to stop bothering to get me to speak like what happened in school wich inevitably left me bullied for 5 yrs and had no proper friends, couldnt speak to anyone. It's not really much better, well i'm still lonely every day, cos now i despise people i see as normal too much, cos the people on online dating anyway dont really wanna properly talk which is what i crave, they just send a few short questions usually never even reply. its too much.
I am ok when i know someone but school friends were the last time i knew someone as a friend and it was terrible experience.

I wish i could have company so much and maybe then i wouldnt be so scared, of myself, and in general I've always been on my own really and lonely so after al this time ive realised there kinda must be somthing wrong/offputting about me deep down and thats b4 the bpd issues even surface! :cry::cry::cry:

I cant take the loneliness but what else can i do, nothing, cos i cant speak, am avoidant and theres no way people are ever gonna accept me, im certain after all my exoerieces which all seemed to have been bad, my mum and me still dont get on.

and recenty ive been having bad thoughts that i cant get rid of like, 'what i this is all there is' and im sitting here wasting it being lonely', i dont like this but clearly there is nowhere to turn, the psych knows about me and im on a waiting list but could be whenever has already been like a year. they cant make me likable though,im certain.

i'm just never gonna be normal, im not like other people it makes me so damn jealous, i wish i could have all they get even just oncw or for a short time, id even rather be used again just so i didnt have to be lonely.

and i probably wont get to go to uni anyway cos my moods mean i can never seem to be in mood to revise, such low motivation, even if i do i know itll be the same old story where i cant get to know people cos i cant speak. i cant get over that school experience, rejected by my whole year, no1 wanted me there, horrible feeling uni would only b the same and i dont intend to move out. there's no way people will ever be bothered to try to get to know me if they cant undertstand me on a place where surely people at least know how it feels to be too shy to joij in at least which is kinda close to how i act.

I've obviously definately not even got that issue if it's the speaking problem thats always bee the problem which it is, how can they all natter away so loudly and normally and i cant even open my mouth to speak.

I just feel so lonely and what can i even do, online there is okcupid which is usually just pervy messages which never lead to anything more, one guy who i like but who lives too far on msn who i wish i could get to know but he probablt dislikes me anyway and ive thrown myself at him cos im desperate, and thats it. i cant stand asl chatrroms but last night felt so lonely i went in twic but both times came out after 5secs as guys had started pming me asl crap.

I just want to make a support friend on net who would maybe get on with me, but there is no1 of that description anywhere, i really do not fit in anwyhere no wunder i have to stay like this.

i cant even post this anywhere else, was considering emailing samaritans butdont feel like doing so, phoning too but changed mind bout them. so i thouht here, because it seems on the s.a sites they see me as an attention seeker defo when this is just the way i feel which they dont seem to undertstand let alone anyone on there caring, anwyhere else theyd be like oh no not this again...yada yada. just the usual me moaning well to be hoenst i dotnsee many of them in my position. it is very painful emotionally for me.

hope you guys are having a good weekend anyways, i will have to revise later on as ive got exam on tuesday, v important!:scared:
 
Boris

Boris

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 20, 2010
Messages
1,332
Location
UK
Life is tough when you are young. There`s the pressure of finding a job, and getting the right exam results to help achieve that. There`s an expectation that you should be dating, going out, enjoying yourself, and broadening your circle of friends etc. Basically finding your own way in the world, without the experience behind you to do it. If that wasn`t bad enough the economy has never been so bad, with so many young people out of work! Believe it or not, you aren`t the only one to have felt those pressures. With those pressures comes a lot of anxiety, and the more you think about it, the worse you will feel, thinking things will never get any better.
The problem here is expectation... due to expensive housing, lack of jobs etc. people are staying at home longer, and getting married later in life. Don`t set your expectations too high, don`t look too far to the future! For now I would say concentrate on your education, take an interest in what your classmates are upto, see if any friendships spark off from that. Take pride in your appearance, it`s a good way of getting noticed ;-) You`re only young, live for now, try not to think too far ahead, and I`m sure things will change for you very soon :)
 
Pixie37

Pixie37

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 2, 2009
Messages
2,275
Location
SCOTLAND
Hiya,

I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely. I am terrified of people so i am very isolated too. But people here are very friendly and supportive. I hope you are glad you have posted this. Know that you can be yourself with us and i hope you make some friends here.

Pixie :)
 

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