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Can you offer me some advice? Trigger Warning : Terminal Cancer

D

Del3

New member
Joined
Aug 19, 2021
Messages
4
Location
United Kingdom
Hello there,
I've not posted here before but I wondered if anybody would be kind enough to offer some advice on my situation. My Partner recently got the news that his father's cancer is back and there is only palliative care left for him. With Chemo, he may have a couple of years left, but less if he doesn't respond to the treatment. With my partner already living in a chaotic home environment, the recent news has swamped him quite a bit and although he is often very tough, I can tell that this is going to be a challenge in our lives for a good while and the uncertainty is frustrating for us both.

I am diagnosed with ADHD, BPD, C-PTSD and anxiety, so although I am highly functioning and I am responding well to therapy, I do have my bad days and he is incredible at supporting me when I need him. But due to what is going on in his own life, he's not able to give as much and has communicated with me that he needs me to be his escape and his happy place from now on, which doesn't leave much or any room for my symptoms and stresses. As much as I will absolutely do everything I can to be the best for him and I do seem to be helping him in a lot of the best ways, I can't exactly snap my mental illness into thin air and be okay every second. We have such a happy and healthy relationship, so I have no doubt that we will work it all out, I just don't know where to start with this dilemma.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or do you have any experience in supporting a partner who is losing their family member to cancer?

Thankyou for taking the time to read,
Kind regards,
Del3.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
9,928
Location
England
:welcome::grouphug:


I have always found that when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, energy seems to come from somewhere and suddenly there is the ability to do what needs to be done.

It is hard for you as it is his father so i don't know how that works, although i have had to help 2 cousins through cancer in their mum/dad and a friend who also has a dad with cancer but he is currently doing well.

I think caring for your partner, it would be about making sure he eats and sleeps, the house is clean and you get days out together where he can relax and find some peace in his mind. I would listen to him or ask him if he needs you to do anything. Tell him to let you know what he needs, that way you aren't guessing or worrying what you should do.

For your own difficulties, i would think he won't be as available as usual. Is there anyone else you can speak to, maybe just sharing your problems with your partner and one other person, so it is not all on him? He may cope fine but he may need more rest time himself.

I think terminal illness changes everyone's perspective on life. The only problem i can see, that i have felt myself is, stop complaining about the small stuff because it is not important. A friend of mine was complaining about her knee pain and my aunt had just been diagnosed, and it really annoyed me. So if you are worrying about something small that is usually understandable, maybe it now would seem tiny and insignificant in relation to what his dad is going through? It is just a guess.

He may also want some private family time and you might feel left out.

Again i am just thinking of potential problems.

It is good to write here, we will help you through this time and perhaps using us, it will take the pressure off your partner whilst he is going through this.

There are lovely people here on the forum and many who will understand how you are feeling.
 
D

Del3

New member
Joined
Aug 19, 2021
Messages
4
Location
United Kingdom
Hello Tawny,

I can't tell you how much it means to me to have such helpful reassurance. I was feeling really quite stuck when I wrote this post, but from what you've said, I'm feeling like some weight has been lifted. I am doing most of what you have said, but I definitely think I need to stop sharing those little things that are really quite minute in comparison to what he's facing. I have a good support system and I'm hoping that in moments of distress I can continue to turn to this lovely community. Thank you for your response and I wish you the most peaceful healing from your own situation, you have such strength and resilience for those people in your life and that is admirable. I hope that I can return the same for yourself and others here ♡
 
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