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Can You Know Something And Not Feel Something?

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LokiPokey75

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I don't know how to start this one tonight. My mom overheard me saying that I may not want a relationship with her anymore and she told me how much that hurt her. I've hurt my mother so much over the years, she even knows I don't like her. And I admit sadly, I don't. I've even questioned whether I love her (and she doesn't feel that I do.) My mother has sacrificed for me, protected me, and taken care of me, always with the best intentions, and yet I don't feel that love from her. Is that wrong of me? What have I done wrong?

I'm most afraid that the relationship I have with my mother not only makes me unable to have a good relationship with anyone else, but that I'm undeserving of any future relationships because ours is so bad. I feel like an ungrateful child yet I know that when I do, guilt overrides my feelings until I start believing I'm a terrible person. All the things she tries to convey I don't feel -- love, empathy, understanding. She says she apologizes and that it's sincere, so why don't I feel it?

I know all these things about my mother, but I don't feel them to be true. I wish I knew why. Is it in my D.N.A.? Am I just a piece of shit? You can be blunt with me.

And tomorrow's my mother's 60th birthday so I feel really bad that this happened just before.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Has she put you through too much?
Made life even harder than it should have been?
That is how I feel about mine. I love her so much but I hate her so much too. I feel bad saying that.
I'd never abandon her though
Is your mum that bad that she must be cut off?
If not, say something nice on her birthday or buy something loving.
Then see her in small doses
 
B

bpd2020

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Loki, you are not a bad person. You cannot help how you feel. Maybe there is more to it such as your mum not meeting your needs or not being emotionally there for you. Society says we should love our parents but we cannot help it if we do not.

You not having a good relationship with your mum does not mean you cannot love others. I am proof of that.
 
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LokiPokey75

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Loki, you are not a bad person. You cannot help how you feel. Maybe there is more to it such as your mum not meeting your needs or not being emotionally there for you. Society says we should love our parents but we cannot help it if we do not.

You not having a good relationship with your mum does not mean you cannot love others. I am proof of that.
Thanks bpd2020!

That's exactly it! I realized through therapy that my mom wasn't meeting my needs and I wasn't able to meet them myself. I've placed high expectations on her because I had no one else and we've been feeling the repercussions of that for awhile.

She did her best to me there for me, but she wasn't there in the way that I needed her and I always thought I was being selfish for feeling that way. Last night was the first night I've been able to detach my guilt from those feelings. Guilt has been haunting me since I was a kid. I was never able to get rid of it because I thought I was supposed to feel it. It's so amazing to let it go. Now I know that the way I feel is okay, that I deserve to release my guilt, and that it's not selfish.

I'm so glad you've been able to have good relationships with people despite the one you've had with your mother. That makes me feel better!
 
L

LokiPokey75

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Messages
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Has she put you through too much?
Made life even harder than it should have been?
That is how I feel about mine. I love her so much but I hate her so much too. I feel bad saying that.
I'd never abandon her though
Is your mum that bad that she must be cut off?
If not, say something nice on her birthday or buy something loving.
Then see her in small doses
Thanks Tawny!

In her own way, she has put me through a lot. Though I've put her through the ringer as well. It all boils down to the fact that I don't think my mom recognizes the pain she's caused me. She knows what I've done (and I know it too), but the things that I bring up about her, she doesn't seem to understand that they're not okay.

She defends her behavior by saying she's not perfect, and I get that. I need to accept her flaws she's right, but I'd like her to take responsibility for my pain as well. Her apologies seem like excuses, despite her saying the contrary. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, but that wasn't what I intended." Does that feel genuine to you? It doesn't to me (the "but" takes away the apology because she's not really admitting her own fault.) Again, poor communication, both sides.

I love her and hate her too. I also feel bad saying that. I feel bad that I want a different mother. I feel bad that my mother knows that. I feel bad about so many things, but I'm learning how to not do that. It's healthier for me in the end.

She's not that bad that I have to cut her off. I live with her, so there's no way I can do that. We just learn to live around each other. It's difficult when there's so much pain there, but it's all we can do. I can't afford to live on my own, especially now that I'm unemployed.

I did get her a card and made her a CD of songs I know she'd like for her birthday. Not going to be the happiest day today, but it is what it is.

Thanks again Tawny!
 
P

Purpleplum

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Your mom is probably being there for you the best she knows how to be even though you are wanting more from her. Many people can't handle that much of emotional support for a person. That's why you need to get it from a counselor. Unfortunately mother's take much of the blame because we expect so much from them.
As you get older you realize they were only human and have their own problems just like everyone. You start to realize that they did the best they could.

I think she's doing what she can and she's probably hurt that you don't love her.

I know this is all being a little blunt but when you've lived it, it starts to make sense.
 
Scapes1986

Scapes1986

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Sometimes I have a good relationship with my mother and other times its hard. I would never abandon our relationship and I know she would never abandon me. I have said some pretty hurtful things in the past but I know she understands I have mental illness. Most of all "respect" in a relationship is most important I think.
 
L

LokiPokey75

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Apr 1, 2020
Messages
507
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United States
Your mom is probably being there for you the best she knows how to be even though you are wanting more from her. Many people can't handle that much of emotional support for a person. That's why you need to get it from a counselor. Unfortunately mother's take much of the blame because we expect so much from them.
As you get older you realize they were only human and have their own problems just like everyone. You start to realize that they did the best they could.

I think she's doing what she can and she's probably hurt that you don't love her.

I know this is all being a little blunt but when you've lived it, it starts to make sense.
Thanks Purpleplum,

I totally agree. I don't think my mom could handle what I needed and it wasn't fair to her that I required so much. Had I had close friends, that might have buffered the pain. Instead, I didn't know where to seek what I needed other than my mother so the pressure was always on her.

I do actually speak to a therapist and it's been very helpful to me. I've learned a lot about how our relationship doesn't work which has allowed me to recognize what I need from myself. It's been a long journey getting there, and I've hurt my mother a lot along the way, but this is how it had to happened. I didn't know any better when I was younger and now that I do, I'm trying my best to recognize the ways that I've hurt her so I don't do them.

I lived this for awhile. It does make sense. I just want to do what is right for the both of us. I'm still trying to figure out what that is.
 
L

LokiPokey75

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Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
507
Location
United States
Sometimes I have a good relationship with my mother and other times its hard. I would never abandon our relationship and I know she would never abandon me. I have said some pretty hurtful things in the past but I know she understands I have mental illness. Most of all "respect" in a relationship is most important I think.
Thanks Scapes1986,

It's a volley for me too. I don't want to abandon our relationship, but I feel there needs to be a certain distance. How much I don't know. I'm working on that. For so long, I thought I had to be so close to her, but at the same time, that closeness suffocated me. I don't want her to hurt me anymore and I don't want to hurt her. Our relationship will never be the same, but then again, at least for me, I wouldn't want it to be.

Respect is important. Her efforts to give me more independence show respect more than she used to, but I can tell it's hard for her to let me make my own decisions. She's so used to protecting me and doing things for me. I know she wants me to be independent, but I've struggled to get that from her because she doesn't want me to get hurt.

It's a process. I don't know where we'll end up, I just don't want to live with regrets.
 
Hillman hunter

Hillman hunter

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Hello Loki.

Im sorry your going through all this.
Its probably brought this to a head because of your job situation, its kind of forcing you to think about things more , as you have more time on your hands.

Guilt is a bad thing, it eats away at us, does us no good .
with me, its just added to my problems.

my mom has bi polar and almost certainly a personality disorder of some kind too, i remember my late father saying things like" your mom needs people to hate, and your mom cant deal with adults "
There is nobody else around now, just me and her , sometimes shes lovely to me, but other times everything is my fault, when she get likes this it destroys my soul , and i dont want to be alive.
I love her, but by Christ is hard to like her sometimes,
im far from perfect , i have faults for sure.

Yes maybe a little distance is good between you, maybe limit the amount of time you sit together.
i wish you all the best to find a compromise that works for both of you,

Life is really hard with social anxiety and ocd, they are cruel disorders .
And you deserve a happy and full life.
please dont be hard on yourself.

Take care
 
Tawny

Tawny

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You get an 'apology' excuses, mine just says everything is all my fault and criticises me. She shows me love in other ways and i am all she has so i cannot get rid of her. I cannot live with her though and i think once you move out, you will get on much better. She will still upset you but you will be able to leave and go to your own home.

I'm actually quite impressed that she has spoken calmly to you, told you she is hurt etc because mine would not be so reasonable. I often think mine has both made my life wonderful but also ruined it, so it is so complicated.

I have come to the point of not reacting and not blaming. I don't expect anything from her, not an apology and not even understanding. As long as i know, that is enough for me. I think too that she is not intelligent enough to fully understand or not mentally well enough to understand. Either way, i can tell she is not on my wavelength or we are talking a different language, who knows.

You will have to get on forever, you will both need to stop arguing, stop upsetting each other, and it doesn't really matter who is to blame, just that one of you backs down and the other stops biting. I don't know all of the details of your relationship, i am sure it has been hell, but biting your tongue, a deep breath, walking away and taking a break when it gets too bad, it really will be the only way to have some kind of relationship with her.
 
Scapes1986

Scapes1986

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Thanks Scapes1986,

It's a volley for me too. I don't want to abandon our relationship, but I feel there needs to be a certain distance. How much I don't know. I'm working on that. For so long, I thought I had to be so close to her, but at the same time, that closeness suffocated me. I don't want her to hurt me anymore and I don't want to hurt her. Our relationship will never be the same, but then again, at least for me, I wouldn't want it to be.

Respect is important. Her efforts to give me more independence show respect more than she used to, but I can tell it's hard for her to let me make my own decisions. She's so used to protecting me and doing things for me. I know she wants me to be independent, but I've struggled to get that from her because she doesn't want me to get hurt.

It's a process. I don't know where we'll end up, I just don't want to live with regrets.
Glad to hear you have such good insight.
 
L

LokiPokey75

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Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
507
Location
United States
Hello Loki.

Im sorry your going through all this.
Its probably brought this to a head because of your job situation, its kind of forcing you to think about things more , as you have more time on your hands.

Guilt is a bad thing, it eats away at us, does us no good .
with me, its just added to my problems.

my mom has bi polar and almost certainly a personality disorder of some kind too, i remember my late father saying things like" your mom needs people to hate, and your mom cant deal with adults "
There is nobody else around now, just me and her , sometimes shes lovely to me, but other times everything is my fault, when she get likes this it destroys my soul , and i dont want to be alive.
I love her, but by Christ is hard to like her sometimes,
im far from perfect , i have faults for sure.

Yes maybe a little distance is good between you, maybe limit the amount of time you sit together.
i wish you all the best to find a compromise that works for both of you,

Life is really hard with social anxiety and ocd, they are cruel disorders .
And you deserve a happy and full life.
please dont be hard on yourself.

Take care
Thanks Hillman Hunter,

It's true the time off has given me more time to think. It's a blessing and a curse really, but I'm it's made me understand myself better.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. My mother does not have a mental disease. I can't imagine what it must be like to deal with someone who is constantly up and down like that. You must really suffer.

You're probably right that I should sit less with her. I always feel bad when my mother doesn't sit with me because I know she's avoiding because she thinks I want my space. I don't have a problem sitting next to her, but the guilt that it's my fault she doesn't sit with me makes sitting alone less enjoyable.

Those are such kind words, Hillman. I appreciate you saying that. Thank you again!
 
L

LokiPokey75

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Messages
507
Location
United States
You get an 'apology' excuses, mine just says everything is all my fault and criticises me. She shows me love in other ways and i am all she has so i cannot get rid of her. I cannot live with her though and i think once you move out, you will get on much better. She will still upset you but you will be able to leave and go to your own home.

I'm actually quite impressed that she has spoken calmly to you, told you she is hurt etc because mine would not be so reasonable. I often think mine has both made my life wonderful but also ruined it, so it is so complicated.

I have come to the point of not reacting and not blaming. I don't expect anything from her, not an apology and not even understanding. As long as i know, that is enough for me. I think too that she is not intelligent enough to fully understand or not mentally well enough to understand. Either way, i can tell she is not on my wavelength or we are talking a different language, who knows.

You will have to get on forever, you will both need to stop arguing, stop upsetting each other, and it doesn't really matter who is to blame, just that one of you backs down and the other stops biting. I don't know all of the details of your relationship, i am sure it has been hell, but biting your tongue, a deep breath, walking away and taking a break when it gets too bad, it really will be the only way to have some kind of relationship with her.
Wow, Tawny! That sounds awful. I'm so sorry to hear that.

I wouldn't know how to handle a mother like that. My life would probably be ruined. I'm fortunate that my mom is smart enough to talk to me in a way that is rational and focused. I'm better at that now, but it took my years to not immediately go to the accusations.

If a conflict does arise, I hope I'll be able to walk away. I'm just disappointed that's the resolution to this.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Wow, Tawny! That sounds awful. I'm so sorry to hear that.

I wouldn't know how to handle a mother like that. My life would probably be ruined. I'm fortunate that my mom is smart enough to talk to me in a way that is rational and focused. I'm better at that now, but it took my years to not immediately go to the accusations.

If a conflict does arise, I hope I'll be able to walk away. I'm just disappointed that's the resolution to this.
I don't personally believe any two people will ever reach a resolution that does not involve on of them backing down, or agreeing to disagree.

I think your mum is right in that she is saying she is not perfect, my mum is not perfect and neither am i. I am more perfect than she is ;) of course i am :) but unless a mother does something extremely bad, maybe they deserve respect just because they are the mother?
 
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