Can you "hold down" a meaningful relationship?

wife

wife

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#1
I am in my mid twenties and have been married for about 4 years, I find that among my personality disordered peers I am not the norm, to be in a stable relationship

how is it for other people, can you be in a relationship without scaring off the other person?

I don't really know what I am trying to say but does anyone have any words of wisdom because although I am haoppily married that doesn't mean it's not bloody hard work both for me and my husband

Jay
 

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daffy

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#2
I think i understand what you are saying i find it very difficult to make relationships since my divorce . For most of my life I have been very self conscious, and never felt i fit in. So it made it very difficult for me at work. I use to make every excuse under the sun not to go on staff nights outs, becaused i thought no one would want to talk to me.

Ive since realised im much happier on my own and rarely go out at night now.

I do think that tho you can be in a relationship with such an illness. One person i met thru the day hospital and have kept in touch with, is married and her husband understand the problems she has, and in fact is a big help cos any change in her behaviour he can detect and inform the necessary people . So it can be caught b4 it gets out of hand.

Please dont think that that your unusual cos quite a few ive met over the last few years have been in relationships. I think the main thing is how much your partner understands your problem
 
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AJS

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#3
relationships

Hello folks,
relationships are a two way street, with or without a mental health problem!
When we fall for someone and they feel the same way then if there is give and take and understanding in the relationship then you will go far.
we have all fallen for the wrong one!! me included but once that true love appears then go for it. Dont let your mental health issues hold you back, there is nothing you cannot achieve if you really want to.
(y)
 
wife

wife

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#4
I don't think it is impossible, but it is really difficult

the problem I currently have is that because of my therapy I am beginning to make positive changes in my life, this is something that my husband (and me) has wanted for many years now, but now that it is happening the changes are hard to adjust to, he has got used to me being "ill Jay" and doesn't know what to do with the one that isn't at home all the time, is making friends for herself and wants the car from time to time!!!!

I suppose change is difficult, even if it is what you have been waiting for for the entire 6 years you have been together (and the 4 you were friends before that)

urghhh

rambling

Jay
 
Fedup

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#5
Hello folks,
relationships are a two way street, with or without a mental health problem!
When we fall for someone and they feel the same way then if there is give and take and understanding in the relationship then you will go far.
we have all fallen for the wrong one!! me included but once that true love appears then go for it. Dont let your mental health issues hold you back, there is nothing you cannot achieve if you really want to.
(y)

The above is well said.
Although the achievement bit may take a very long time , as in some case's you have many hurdles to get over to achieve what you really want to.
Eg ....... getting to like yourself ( which could take year's ) enough to believe in yourself to go on and achieve great achievement's. :)
 
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AJS

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#6
Relationships

so true what you say, but I never said a time limit! I was married at 19 divorced at 23 now i'm marrying him all over again at 38 lol
You never can tell just whats round the next corner, all I say is never say never :LOL:
 
Fedup

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so true what you say, but I never said a time limit! I was married at 19 divorced at 23 now i'm marrying him all over again at 38 lol
You never can tell just whats round the next corner, all I say is never say never :LOL:
I use that motto too :)
Congratulation's on your forth coming marriage .............. best of luck to you both :flowers:
 
Megannie

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#8
I've been married for 34 years, sometimes I think blimey this is so boring, but we have a good friendship and he has stood by me through some pretty bad mental stuff.:mad:
 
class1

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#9
Can They Last?

Relationships can last, like all relationships they have their ups and downs, and even though 'we' may think it, the strains on relationships in which a partner (or both) may have mental health issues, are not that much different from many relationships, they all have their own unique set of problems.

Some last, some don't.

Each person in the relationship has the choice to leave or not to leave, to fight for what they want or not, to carry on in that relationship and try to deal with, sort out, cope with the problems it throws at them.

I am a gay man in a relationship, have been for almost 17 years now, some of the things I have done, due to mental health issues, would have driven many a person away - if someone would have done the same to me I'd have run :LOL:

But he stayed, and he's still here, when I've asked him why he didn't go, he said that he has the same attitude as his mam, "once 'married' it's for life, together with all the good and all the bad, I suppose we are lucky in that you seemed to have all the bad early on in the relationship, so now we can look forward to a decent future":hug:

I still have issues, kind of self controlled rather than medically controlled (except for zopiclone to get me to sleep), what does kind of scare me is that he is the reason for that imposed self control, and if something happend to him and I was left alone (which I doubt really as I am 52 and he 36), then would I loose that self control and start to recert to what I was becoming :confused:

Relationships work if you are willing to work making them work :) the easiest thing in the world is to give up, but sometimes the hardest fight leads to the best rewards!
 
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#10
I used to have a problem in relationships if the woman I was with didn't understand the problem. There are some real selfish so and sos out there as you all probably know. But eventually I met someone who did understand and that when I couldn't make it to go out didn't rant and rave, slam down the phone or send poisonous letters through the post (true).

Been with her for over 10 years now married for 8 years and she is fine with my condition, I guess I was lucky.
 
mischief

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#11
Welcome class1 :welcome:

Relationships can last, like all relationships they have their ups and downs, and even though 'we' may think it, the strains on relationships in which a partner (or both) may have mental health issues, are not that much different from many relationships, they all have their own unique set of problems.

Some last, some don't.
So true!

Relationships work if you are willing to work making them work :) the easiest thing in the world is to give up, but sometimes the hardest fight leads to the best rewards!
I think this is something we forget so often! I've certainly found this to be this case! :clap:
 
Bluemoon

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#12
I'm getting to drive the first car that I've had in years and plan to get out, join some clubs but most importantly I want to find someone to have a relationship with at some stage, hopefully I'll find someone soon enough, but you can never plan these things can you ? I really want to make things work with someone, but at what point do I tell someone that I have this illness ? I've been told ( by other patients ) that it is hit and miss and is best to tell her early on etc but I need to know that if the person I'm with has a bad reaction to what I tell her ( becoming uncomfortable and looses interest ( stigma <sigh> ) ) that she won't tell people about it and intentionally or unintentionally have it whipping round the village before you can say Jack Sparrow :scared: - I keep my diagnosis so secret, only the people involved in my care and family members know. I'd hate it to become common knowledge where I live. I would prefer someone get to know me for a while and find that I'm a teddy bear :), say several months ( is that really too long ? ) before I begin to reveal my diagnosis. So what do you think ?
 

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Mad Hatter

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#13
I've been there and done that Blue Moon. Had lots of very negative vibes off women once my "dirty little secret" was out. I call it that because that's how it felt, such was the stigma. But, I carried on knowing that there was someone out there for me. When I first became ill I was engaged and although she stuck with me for a short while she soon got fed up and left, that really knocked me back. Strangely enough I seen her the other week and in a strange satisfying way was glad she did go!!!!! Don't give up.
 
Bluemoon

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I've been there and done that Blue Moon. Had lots of very negative vibes off women once my "dirty little secret" was out. I call it that because that's how it felt, such was the stigma. But, I carried on knowing that there was someone out there for me. When I first became ill I was engaged and although she stuck with me for a short while she soon got fed up and left, that really knocked me back. Strangely enough I seen her the other week and in a strange satisfying way was glad she did go!!!!! Don't give up.
^^^ that's exactly what's been putting me off trying all this time. I've fought hard to get to the point I'm at now and don't want to be back to where I started because someone feels ( and convinces others ) I'm less of a person because of my diagnosis. Just going on someone else's experiences, which thankfully have made me decide to keep my condition on a need to know basis. I'm sure there is someone out there for me, but I feel there are hard choices to be made as to who I put my trust in - that is why I need plenty of time before I can tell someone about my diagnosis.
 
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#15
I was always upfront about my problems. If they had a problem with it then it was obvious to me that the person was not suitable for me however pretty they were. I must admit my experiences in the dating game were more positive than negative, I came across people who were more screwed up than me and also some really nice understanding caring people. There"s two ways of looking at it, tell em from the off, if they don't like it then tough, if they do then the pressures gonna be off from the word go. Also if you hold it back and tell em months later they'll probably throw a wobbly because you weren't honest from the start.
 
Bluemoon

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I was always upfront about my problems. If they had a problem with it then it was obvious to me that the person was not suitable for me however pretty they were. I must admit my experiences in the dating game were more positive than negative, I came across people who were more screwed up than me and also some really nice understanding caring people. There"s two ways of looking at it, tell em from the off, if they don't like it then tough, if they do then the pressures gonna be off from the word go. Also if you hold it back and tell em months later they'll probably throw a wobbly because you weren't honest from the start.
Yeah I can see where your coming from, but for me it's this: I just don't want my illness to go around as gossip and then give certain people an excuse to label me and hurt my future chances with other people that I will meet. That in itself creates a lot of stress. I Can imagine it now, "Oh did you now that <my name> has got Schizophrenia/ Mental Illness ? Yeah he has, people like that should be locked up, shouldn't they ? < rant on >" - I know people say stuff like that because I heard it in conversation between two people years ago. Sorry if I'm coming across as really negative but I can't ignore what I've heard for myself. Ideally, I would like to tell someone more or less straight away but my trust has been abused before and I won't put myself through that again.
 
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#17
I know what you mean and only you yourself can do what you think is the right thing to do. I got a good friend who has the same problem as you and he's really upfront about it, he's got loads of friends but no woman in his life, that is by choice though. You will know when the time is right - good luck and good hunting!!!!
 
Bluemoon

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Thanks :) I'll just take it as it comes, I guess I'll just have to trust my feelings in order to make the right choices at the right times - but god knows I've been wrong in the past, it's so confusing at times.
 
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#19
Interesting read because i had a bit of a fling with the mentally ill women upstairs and she's come off her drugs, i'm stressed and am seeing the shrink tommorrow.

One friend said "The time to tell a wsomen your schitsoprenic is when you've got her into bed and she's got some sort of emotional investment"

Psychiatrist said "That doesn't preclude one night stands"

Have had all sorts of well meaning advice, seems to me women tend to be into successful powerful types, guess like i'm into pretty young women as a man, hypocracy all round
 
Bluemoon

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Have had all sorts of well meaning advice, seems to me women tend to be into successful powerful types, guess like i'm into pretty young women as a man
I guess with women it's an instinct to have the strongest offspring but also to have a good protector - not that I'm sexist or anything, it's what I've read on another forum and many posters agreed including some women as well. As for pretty young women, well that's understandable but if said woman is quite b*tchy then that puts me off straight away - really unattractive trait with some women today. Gold diggers are a no-no as well. If your thinking of ever getting married and having children a good personality is essential if it is to work out in the long run because looks only last so long ( well some women age like fine wine :D ).
 
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