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Can you have a relationship with BPD

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megirl

megirl

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My husband got quite resentful of me.
When was hurting the most the only way I got it out was by drinking. And now he when I was distressed would walk away...triggered me major time
 
Luci

Luci

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I know this feeling @megirl my ex partner would leave whenever I tried to speak to him about sharing childcare. Abandoned. With a newborn. It's a vile feeling.
 
O

Ozymandias

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I think it's possible to have a relationship with the right person, by which I mean somebody who can understand that BPD outbursts aren't fundamentally who you really are, and so doesn't let them override everything that's good about you.

After all, other people I know and have known who have BPD are/were highly sensitive, caring, thoughtful, empathic, and intelligent... all of which are traits that I would want in a partner.

It's not actually the relationship part that I find difficult (although, in fairness, I've only ever had one relationship and that ended 14 years ago!)... it's getting there in the first place that I can't do! I find the whole asking people out and going on dates part extremely triggering, and consequently my behaviour very quickly and easily becomes unacceptable. I only got together with my ex because she approached me, and we'd been close friends for a while so I didn't feel like I had to particularly 'prove' myself.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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How do you release the guilt if all around remind you?? If when you do go out people won't allow you to forget what you have done? I am hoping myself and partner move I do think that will help for both of us, we got offered a move to Somerset last year but I was too ill to go and sign for it. So fingers crossed. I have not drunk for 8 years which is a relief for us both. Just hope a fresh start works. Im 52 and just want some peace for us both. Oh yes when you talk of being "mindful" what do you mean. I do think about my partner but sometimes I just lose it? Take care x
I think it has already been mentioned, but I would say learn lessons from what has happened (reflect), apologise and move on...
 
Luci

Luci

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If anyone makes you feel bad about your mistakes, they aren't good people.
 
Sammie Mara

Sammie Mara

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I am 52 and I wish to hell I could learn. I think I have it nailed then BOOM! off I go again. I gave up trying to find where I fit in as I don't so got that, but what gets me is when people ask "what do you really want to do?" like I'm retarded, I just look at them shake my head and tell them " if I knew that don't you think I would be doing it?" I have had interest in loads of things but it doesn't last long the only thing that has stayed the distance is the damn BPD. As for my partner we have separate rooms and I suspect he has problems of his own and think that is what keeps us together. Co-dependency!! Its been a hard life lost a daughter who no longer speaks to me, lost countless jobs and have no friends sometimes, lots of times I just wish it would end although I have got over the self-harming and suicide attempts now I just pray for an illness to take me, and that my fellow BPD sufferers is where I am at. Take care all X
 
Sammie Mara

Sammie Mara

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I think it has already been mentioned, but I would say learn lessons from what has happened (reflect), apologise and move on...
That is the point lessons are NOT learnt, I apologise all the time and moving on ain't that easy no-body can beat me up better than I do myself. If lessons could be so easily learnt I don't believe Id have BPD that's part of it, damn repetition, over and over!! Believe me I wish lessons could be learnt, I do try, and then it becomes failure then, here we go again!
 
Lunus

Lunus

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I am 52 and I wish to hell I could learn. I think I have it nailed then BOOM! off I go again. I gave up trying to find where I fit in as I don't so got that, but what gets me is when people ask "what do you really want to do?" like I'm retarded, I just look at them shake my head and tell them " if I knew that don't you think I would be doing it?" I have had interest in loads of things but it doesn't last long the only thing that has stayed the distance is the damn BPD. As for my partner we have separate rooms and I suspect he has problems of his own and think that is what keeps us together. Co-dependency!! Its been a hard life lost a daughter who no longer speaks to me, lost countless jobs and have no friends sometimes, lots of times I just wish it would end although I have got over the self-harming and suicide attempts now I just pray for an illness to take me, and that my fellow BPD sufferers is where I am at. Take care all X
I have thought the same thoughts most of my life. However, I have managed to regulate my emotions to the degree I no longer suffer. So It CAN be done. Through learning Mindfulness, maybe doing a bit of Yoga and exercise, you can slow yourself down which gives you time to control your urges.
 
Sammie Mara

Sammie Mara

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I have thought the same thoughts most of my life. However, I have managed to regulate my emotions to the degree I no longer suffer. So It CAN be done. Through learning Mindfulness, maybe doing a bit of Yoga and exercise, you can slow yourself down which gives you time to control your urges.
Hi. I read about Radical acceptance as you mentioned and I am finding it very interesting. Thanks for the pointer :)
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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That is the point lessons are NOT learnt, I apologise all the time and moving on ain't that easy no-body can beat me up better than I do myself. If lessons could be so easily learnt I don't believe Id have BPD that's part of it, damn repetition, over and over!! Believe me I wish lessons could be learnt, I do try, and then it becomes failure then, here we go again!
Perhaps with the help of someone else, things might become clearer :)
 
Sammie Mara

Sammie Mara

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Perhaps with the help of someone else, things might become clearer :)
Well I wish it would. Starting new intensive therapy in a week. Looking at Radical Acceptance that seems interesting. We'll see? :)
 
Lunus

Lunus

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Hi. I read about Radical acceptance as you mentioned and I am finding it very interesting. Thanks for the pointer :)
Don’t just do Radical Acceptance for those who have made you suffer, remember to do a Radical Acceptance exercise on yourself. Imo it’s one of the key elements to recovery. 🤗
 
Parayana

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@Lunus, I don't have BPD but do suffer a lot of paranoid and anxious thoughts from Schizophrenia, it was getting to the point where I was avoiding going out as the thoughts got worse when I was out of the house, since I accepted I am going to have these thoughts and feelings for the rest of my life even with meds, things have got a whole lot easier and the frquency and perssitence of the thoughts have eased, now I just try to be mindful of them. I recently re-read Bhante Gunaratana's Mindfulness in Plain English which was the first book on meditation I ever read and a statement in there really struck me this time - the first step in changing is to accept yourself exactly as you are. There is a book - Radical Acceptance by PHD Psychologist, Therapist and Buddhist Teacher Tara Brach, I haven't read it but gave a copy to my ex, I'm going to have to get it back and give it a read.

The relationship I had with a woman who was later diagnosed with BPD was one of the most passionate, intense and loving I ever had but she used a lot of alcohol to keep her emotions under control and I was trying to get my alcoholism sorted out so we split. If it wasn't for the booze I would have stuck it out, so I think you can have a relationship with someone with BPD in my opinion.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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@Lunus, I don't have BPD but do suffer a lot of paranoid and anxious thoughts from Schizophrenia, it was getting to the point where I was avoiding going out as the thoughts got worse when I was out of the house, since I accepted I am going to have these thoughts and feelings for the rest of my life even with meds, things have got a whole lot easier and the frquency and perssitence of the thoughts have eased, now I just try to be mindful of them. I recently re-read Bhante Gunaratana's Mindfulness in Plain English which was the first book on meditation I ever read and a statement in there really struck me this time - the first step in changing is to accept yourself exactly as you are. There is a book - Radical Acceptance by PHD Psychologist, Therapist and Buddhist Teacher Tara Brach, I haven't read it but gave a copy to my ex, I'm going to have to get it back and give it a read.

The relationship I had with a woman who was later diagnosed with BPD was one of the most passionate, intense and loving I ever had but she used a lot of alcohol to keep her emotions under control and I was trying to get my alcoholism sorted out so we split. If it wasn't for the booze I would have stuck it out, so I think you can have a relationship with someone with BPD in my opinion.
Thanks so much for your message. Although we spend a lot of people for judging us negatively, the worst culprit is always ourselves, with guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger and humiliation at the top of the list. However, as you state, once you truly accept who you are it feels as though the world has been lifted off your shoulders.
Thanks for the book selections. I’m on holiday in a few weeks so I’ll read them whilst I’m on the beach lol.
When I’m back I’m going to the Buddhist centre in Cambridge to do a Meditation course. I’ll let you know how it goes.
 
Lunus

Lunus

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I
Thanks so much for your message. Although we spend a lot of people for judging us negatively, the worst culprit is always ourselves, with guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger and humiliation at the top of the list. However, as you state, once you truly accept who you are it feels as though the world has been lifted off your shoulders.
Thanks for the book selections. I’m on holiday in a few weeks so I’ll read them whilst I’m on the beach lol.
When I’m back I’m going to the Buddhist centre in Cambridge to do a Meditation course. I’ll let you know how it goes.
I’ll let you fill in the missing words. 🙈
 
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