Can you have a relationship with BPD

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Connorisnotokay

Connorisnotokay

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I haven’t managed to have a proper relationship. It seems impossible. I want one, then I don’t, then I do again. Are any of you in relationships at the moment?
 
midnightphoenix

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I'm not, i was several years ago but not since him :hug:

i jump between wanting one and not wanting one but meh my girlies (cats) are enough for me :love:
 
Connorisnotokay

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I’m moving into supported housing soon, when I get enough money for a flat I will definitely get a pet
 
Lunus

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I haven’t managed to have a proper relationship. It seems impossible. I want one, then I don’t, then I do again. Are any of you in relationships at the moment?
Yes, I’ve been with my wife for over 30 years. Like the rest of my life it’s been a roller coaster, but of late it’s settled down through learning to be mindful.
 
Sammie Mara

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Hi,
I have been with my partner for 27 years bless him as I have been the bitch from hell and everyday I wonder why the hell he is still here? I reckon sometime you just meet the right person who finds a way to love you even though you make it hard, I have spend so much time suspecting his reasons for remaining with me when sometimes I don't even want to be with me so I have had to learn to stop doing that so much. This is so strange and agonising to live with it must be real hard work for our partners. That's our lives , take care X I have come to the conclusion due to my childhood I only learned how to survive and not how to live. Learning slowly ;)
 
Luci

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It takes someone with huge amounts of patience and love for you to help you through BPD. I have not found anyone worthy of enjoying my life with me, but I'm perfectly happy enjoying it alone. I have only had 2 relationships but I have found I am easily manipulated because I am so keen to please people and ensure they don't leave me. I am too vulnerable to be in a relationship.
 
Lunus

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Hi,
I have been with my partner for 27 years bless him as I have been the bitch from hell and everyday I wonder why the hell he is still here? I reckon sometime you just meet the right person who finds a way to love you even though you make it hard, I have spend so much time suspecting his reasons for remaining with me when sometimes I don't even want to be with me so I have had to learn to stop doing that so much. This is so strange and agonising to live with it must be real hard work for our partners. That's our lives , take care X I have come to the conclusion due to my childhood I only learned how to survive and not how to live. Learning slowly ;)
I can relate to all of that. I must confess if I didn’t get diagnosed earlier this year my wife and I would have parted, as we were both suffering too much. The diagnosis gave us an understanding and from that we are so much stronger.
 
Sammie Mara

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I can relate to all of that. I must confess if I didn’t get diagnosed earlier this year my wife and I would have parted, as we were both suffering too much. The diagnosis gave us an understanding and from that we are so much stronger.
Yes damn hard isn't it. I wonder sometimes whether he actually believes me when I tell him I feel guilty as hell for everything as I can remember years of my screw ups as if it were yesterday and to tell you the truth I do not think I would of been so understanding if he had pulled some of the stunts I have in fact I know I wouldn't off but I guess that's the nature of this damn condition. We go off on wild tangents then feel guilty as hell forever but still do the same crap again it is a wild ride that's for sure. Talking to others helps though I don't feel so isolated. Stay strong :)
 
Sammie Mara

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It takes someone with huge amounts of patience and love for you to help you through BPD. I have not found anyone worthy of enjoying my life with me, but I'm perfectly happy enjoying it alone. I have only had 2 relationships but I have found I am easily manipulated because I am so keen to please people and ensure they don't leave me. I am too vulnerable to be in a relationship.
Yes I know what you mean there. Funnily enough with me I set out to please EVERYBODY but my partner, its been very strange. Now I just feel isolated and guilty for all the years of hell I put him through. My last therapist said I should try and forget all the crap I had done in the past? that was another therapist put on the scrapheap lol how the hell are you meant to forget all the crap you have done when its in your head as if it were yesterday? Starting new therapy in two weeks I hope this one actually knows something about this condition as I feel we baffle most of them. You take care :)
 
Lunus

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Yes damn hard isn't it. I wonder sometimes whether he actually believes me when I tell him I feel guilty as hell for everything as I can remember years of my screw ups as if it were yesterday and to tell you the truth I do not think I would of been so understanding if he had pulled some of the stunts I have in fact I know I wouldn't off but I guess that's the nature of this damn condition. We go off on wild tangents then feel guilty as hell forever but still do the same crap again it is a wild ride that's for sure. Talking to others helps though I don't feel so isolated. Stay strong :)
Here’s the thing. Once you are diagnosed it not only gives your partner a reason why your behaviour is so appalling, it also gives you one. So behind all the false promises there is an explanation, you can’t change, you can’t control your urges, no matter how much you WANT to.
However, here’s what I have found, much to my amazement. You actually CAN change! By becoming mindful your self destructive behaviour stops and you become trustworthy to your partner, obviously having a positive impact on your relationship. Furthermore, without the guilt of doing reckless things, you feel better too. You lose your fear of abandonment and therefore feel a sense of intimacy never previously felt. You are finally as close as you both always wanted to be.
BUT!! The only way to get to this situation is to be kind to yourself and FORGIVE yourself for all your previous mistakes. Easier said than done but personally I have taken responsibility for all the pain and suffering I have caused those close to me. I accept things have happened that I’m not proud of. I’m guilty as charged. I can’t change it no matter how much I would like to. So fuck it. I’m not going to beat myself up about it anymore. Guilt, shame, embarrassment and suffering does not help me. I (we) move on with a clean slate. I say we as my wife also did a Radical Acceptance exercise on me, which released her frustration, anger and pain, and allowed her to truly forgive me.
 
Sammie Mara

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Here’s the thing. Once you are diagnosed it not only gives your partner a reason why your behaviour is so appalling, it also gives you one. So behind all the false promises there is an explanation, you can’t change, you can’t control your urges, no matter how much you WANT to.
However, here’s what I have found, much to my amazement. You actually CAN change! By becoming mindful your self destructive behaviour stops and you become trustworthy to your partner, obviously having a positive impact on your relationship. Furthermore, without the guilt of doing reckless things, you feel better too. You lose your fear of abandonment and therefore feel a sense of intimacy never previously felt. You are finally as close as you both always wanted to be.
BUT!! The only way to get to this situation is to be kind to yourself and FORGIVE yourself for all your previous mistakes. Easier said than done but personally I have taken responsibility for all the pain and suffering I have caused those close to me. I accept things have happened that I’m not proud of. I’m guilty as charged. I can’t change it no matter how much I would like to. So fuck it. I’m not going to beat myself up about it anymore. Guilt, shame, embarrassment and suffering does not help me. I (we) move on with a clean slate. I say we as my wife also did a Radical Acceptance exercise on me, which released her frustration, anger and pain, and allowed her to truly forgive me.
How do you release the guilt if all around remind you?? If when you do go out people won't allow you to forget what you have done? I am hoping myself and partner move I do think that will help for both of us, we got offered a move to Somerset last year but I was too ill to go and sign for it. So fingers crossed. I have not drunk for 8 years which is a relief for us both. Just hope a fresh start works. Im 52 and just want some peace for us both. Oh yes when you talk of being "mindful" what do you mean. I do think about my partner but sometimes I just lose it? Take care x
 
Lunus

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How do you release the guilt if all around remind you?? If when you do go out people won't allow you to forget what you have done? I am hoping myself and partner move I do think that will help for both of us, we got offered a move to Somerset last year but I was too ill to go and sign for it. So fingers crossed. I have not drunk for 8 years which is a relief for us both. Just hope a fresh start works. Im 52 and just want some peace for us both. Oh yes when you talk of being "mindful" what do you mean. I do think about my partner but sometimes I just lose it? Take care x
Have a search on Radical Acceptance. It’s part of DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy). First you must remember you are NOT responsible for other people’s behaviour, their thoughts, their feelings and their emotions. (Even though with emotional reasoning you may think you are). Therefore, how others judge you is not your problem, it’s theirs. You are only responsible for the things you can control, that is your thoughts and behaviour. So accepting that allows you to recognise and take responsibility for your mistakes (bearing in mind everyone makes them, ill or not), to stop beating yourself up about them. This is where mindfulness comes in. It’s about living in the present moment, JUST the present moment, without ruminating about the past or projecting your fears about the future, (as both only leading to a state of suffering). Importantly you also let your judgements go, both about yourself and about others. So for example, if people you know keep bringing up past behaviour, you can simply acknowledge it, accept it and move on with the knowledge that in THIS present moment you are doing SO well in not drinking, you are happy accepting your limitations, you are doing the very best you can. So why let others thoughts affect you negatively? Who suffers with this mindset? You talk of moving away but I like the saying ‘none of us can run faster than our thoughts’ lol. So rather than use aversion, face them, accept them and move on living for TODAY.
This approach frees the mind, reduces your suffering and allows a calm and peaceful mindset, which in turn slows you down, giving you time to think. When you slow down you are less likely to follow an urge which in turn makes you feel better about yourself.
Personally I’ve learned all about this through Kabat Zinn’s book The Mindful way out of Depression, but there’s loads of self help stuff about. Take care. 🤗
 
Luci

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You have to let go of your past behaviour, it's done and canr be changed. Guilt gets us nowhere. Learn from your mistakes and move on. You will never be well beating yourself up about things you cant change. If it was such a big deal to your partner and they didn't understand, they wouldn't still be with you ♡
 
megirl

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I think for ourselves we need to learn why we act the way we do, the how come, our past the way we were bought up how we were treated or harmed, the way we react is a reaction to something.
I have learnt so much from actually letting all the stuff I kept hidden out, I didn't want too but the more I was pushed last time I Was an inpatient whilst on the mental health ward, this psychologist pushed me so far and got it out of me.
 
megirl

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My husband got quite resentful of me.
When was hurting the most the only way I got it out was by drinking. And now he when I was distressed would walk away...triggered me major time
 
Luci

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I know this feeling @megirl my ex partner would leave whenever I tried to speak to him about sharing childcare. Abandoned. With a newborn. It's a vile feeling.
 
O

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I think it's possible to have a relationship with the right person, by which I mean somebody who can understand that BPD outbursts aren't fundamentally who you really are, and so doesn't let them override everything that's good about you.

After all, other people I know and have known who have BPD are/were highly sensitive, caring, thoughtful, empathic, and intelligent... all of which are traits that I would want in a partner.

It's not actually the relationship part that I find difficult (although, in fairness, I've only ever had one relationship and that ended 14 years ago!)... it's getting there in the first place that I can't do! I find the whole asking people out and going on dates part extremely triggering, and consequently my behaviour very quickly and easily becomes unacceptable. I only got together with my ex because she approached me, and we'd been close friends for a while so I didn't feel like I had to particularly 'prove' myself.
 
OCDguy

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How do you release the guilt if all around remind you?? If when you do go out people won't allow you to forget what you have done? I am hoping myself and partner move I do think that will help for both of us, we got offered a move to Somerset last year but I was too ill to go and sign for it. So fingers crossed. I have not drunk for 8 years which is a relief for us both. Just hope a fresh start works. Im 52 and just want some peace for us both. Oh yes when you talk of being "mindful" what do you mean. I do think about my partner but sometimes I just lose it? Take care x
I think it has already been mentioned, but I would say learn lessons from what has happened (reflect), apologise and move on...
 
Luci

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If anyone makes you feel bad about your mistakes, they aren't good people.
 

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