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Can someone help me understand what I should do?

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stressederic75

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Joined
Dec 14, 2020
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11
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London
Hello everyone thanks for accepting me to the forum. I need help with trying to understand my partner who has bipolar. Everything had been going great then suddenly a week ago he stopped texting and calling. Said he is having some problems and will call me when he is feeling better. I have sent a couple of light/chatty messages to let him know I am here for him and can see he has read them but not responded. Is this par for the course when dating someone with bipolar and should I just sit back and wait until he feels ready to contact me, or does it sound more like he just isn't interested in me any more? If it's just part of the BP, how long is it likely to last? Prior to him going cold everything was really good, he was incredibly keen, so I'm feeling very confused and hurt but also don't want to make it all about me. If you could give me some ideas about the best approach I would really appreciate it!
 
Ruma55

Ruma55

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56
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How long have you guys been together? Is it serious or just kind of casual dating? If you’re in a really serious relationship he may be embarrassed to ask for help, or so out of it he’s not able to reach out. I get weird phobias when I have episodes like I won’t answer the phone for anyone and I’ll avoid everyone because I know I’m acting weird. Bipolar disorder is kind of a selfish thing, I wouldn’t take it personally.

If it’s a casual thing I hate to say it but he may be losing interest and using bipolar disorder as an excuse to avoid you. I say this from a place of bitterness towards men lol. I recently had a guy that was messaging me all day every day and I was starting to become interested. Suddenly he disappeared and wouldn’t answer any messages. When I finally got a hold of him a week later he said he was just busy studying lol. Men are weird.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Nashua NH
Hello stressed, I’m sorry your partner has grown silent. Everyone handles their bipolar depressions and manias differently so it’s impossible to know. When in mania some become chatty cathys and you will hear way too much from
them. Other times they push people away and focus on multiple projects, etc... I know the situation you are in creates some unease and it would make you feel better to have some solid solution or explanation but really all you can do is sit tight and wait and possibly continue to reach out to them if it seems appropriate and nit too much to you. It is very rude of people to blow off other people’s texts this way. You can choose to answer a text even if you are manic. When they do get back to you this might be something you take up with them to avoid further anxiety on your part. I hope you hear from them soon. xo, j
 
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stressederic75

Member
Joined
Dec 14, 2020
Messages
11
Location
London
How long have you guys been together? Is it serious or just kind of casual dating? If you’re in a really serious relationship he may be embarrassed to ask for help, or so out of it he’s not able to reach out. I get weird phobias when I have episodes like I won’t answer the phone for anyone and I’ll avoid everyone because I know I’m acting weird. Bipolar disorder is kind of a selfish thing, I wouldn’t take it personally.

If it’s a casual thing I hate to say it but he may be losing interest and using bipolar disorder as an excuse to avoid you. I say this from a place of bitterness towards men lol. I recently had a guy that was messaging me all day every day and I was starting to become interested. Suddenly he disappeared and wouldn’t answer any messages. When I finally got a hold of him a week later he said he was just busy studying lol. Men are weird.
Hey Ruma, thanks for replying. It's new, only a couple of months, but he's been very full on and referring to himself as my boyfriend so it was kind of a bolt out of the blue. Do you think it would be acceptable to ask him where I stand if still no response in a few days, or will that push him over the edge if he's in a depressive state? I don't think he was manic when we got together although I guess it is an option.
 
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stressederic75

Member
Joined
Dec 14, 2020
Messages
11
Location
London
Hello stressed, I’m sorry your partner has grown silent. Everyone handles their bipolar depressions and manias differently so it’s impossible to know. When in mania some become chatty cathys and you will hear way too much from
them. Other times they push people away and focus on multiple projects, etc... I know the situation you are in creates some unease and it would make you feel better to have some solid solution or explanation but really all you can do is sit tight and wait and possibly continue to reach out to them if it seems appropriate and nit too much to you. It is very rude of people to blow off other people’s texts this way. You can choose to answer a text even if you are manic. When they do get back to you this might be something you take up with them to avoid further anxiety on your part. I hope you hear from them soon. xo, j
Thanks, yeah I feel like it's rude too. Will give it another day or two and then see how the land lies. Will keep you posted!
 
Ruma55

Ruma55

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Hey Ruma, thanks for replying. It's new, only a couple of months, but he's been very full on and referring to himself as my boyfriend so it was kind of a bolt out of the blue. Do you think it would be acceptable to ask him where I stand if still no response in a few days, or will that push him over the edge if he's in a depressive state? I don't think he was manic when we got together although I guess it is an option.
If that’s the case then I think you fully have the right to straight up ask him what happened. Just be honest and ask him if something has changed between you. I agree with what JessisMe said that people are capable of responding to texts even when manic or depressed and it’s pretty rude of him to blow you off.
 
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stressederic75

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London
Thanks, will let you know how it goes!
 
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LadyDomino

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Dorset
I know when I have an episode, usually a depressive one, I can't speak to anyone or text them. I retreat into my own bubble and can't deal with anyone outside it. Its a coping mechanism.
 
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stressederic75

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Thanks, I'm conscious of not wanting to be selfish because he's so kind and thoughtful usually. Just been overthinking it all and assuming he must have gone off me, which is about my own issues I guess!
 
HLon99

HLon99

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Did he seem slightly down when you last saw him? It might just be the bipolar, in which case he probably just doesn't want you to see him in that state, considering you guys have only been dating for a matter of months. He clearly cares about you enough to consider himself your boyfriend but maybe he is afraid of how you will react if you are to see him in his moods. Show him that you like him regardless of his illness and that you are willing to accept him as he is, so long as he gets help and doesn't shut you out.
 
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stressederic75

Member
Joined
Dec 14, 2020
Messages
11
Location
London
Did he seem slightly down when you last saw him? It might just be the bipolar, in which case he probably just doesn't want you to see him in that state, considering you guys have only been dating for a matter of months. He clearly cares about you enough to consider himself your boyfriend but maybe he is afraid of how you will react if you are to see him in his moods. Show him that you like him regardless of his illness and that you are willing to accept him as he is, so long as he gets help and doesn't shut you out.
It was subtle but he definitely wasn't as chatty or confident as he usually is and also seemed very tired. I've sent him a message saying I'm just checking in to let him know I'm here and that I don't expect a reply/want him to feel pressured. I think he's a good guy and would be surprised if he just totally vanished with no explanation, so I guess it's just a case of waiting it out for now. My own insecurities about not being good enough etc tend to over ride logic a lot of the time, which is obviously something I'll need to work on if we do have something long term.
 
HLon99

HLon99

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It was subtle but he definitely wasn't as chatty or confident as he usually is and also seemed very tired. I've sent him a message saying I'm just checking in to let him know I'm here and that I don't expect a reply/want him to feel pressured. I think he's a good guy and would be surprised if he just totally vanished with no explanation, so I guess it's just a case of waiting it out for now. My own insecurities about not being good enough etc tend to over ride logic a lot of the time, which is obviously something I'll need to work on if we do have something long term.
Yeah, he's prob just feeling down. If he needs some space right now give it to him, but make sure you let him know that you care. Maybe if you know his family get in touch with them to find out more.
 
B

BipolarGossamer

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Dec 16, 2020
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Chicago, Illinois
Hello,

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a struggle to really know what's going on in the mind of someone with bipolar disorder. I do have it, and sometimes I feel like people are confused by what I do or don't fully understand why I act a certain way. I believe you can take his words at face value and that he really is going through something. When depressed, people often find it difficult to be social, so that's probably what's happening. I wouldn't be overly insistent right now, but if it goes on longer than a week, I would be concerned and message him to see if he's alright. But yes, you deserve to know what's going on and if he's distant for too long, there might be another story.
 
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stressederic75

Member
Joined
Dec 14, 2020
Messages
11
Location
London
Hello,

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a struggle to really know what's going on in the mind of someone with bipolar disorder. I do have it, and sometimes I feel like people are confused by what I do or don't fully understand why I act a certain way. I believe you can take his words at face value and that he really is going through something. When depressed, people often find it difficult to be social, so that's probably what's happening. I wouldn't be overly insistent right now, but if it goes on longer than a week, I would be concerned and message him to see if he's alright. But yes, you deserve to know what's going on and if he's distant for too long, there might be another story.
Sorry for late reply, only just seen your message. Well I'm embarrassed and annoyed with myself to say I caved and sent a long waffly message that has probably completely frightened him off. Tried to make it sound like I understood and was still here but it was also riddled with insecurity and stuff like "If you want to end it please let me know" so I wouldn't blame him if he never wants to talk to me again!
 
S

stressederic75

Member
Joined
Dec 14, 2020
Messages
11
Location
London
Did he seem slightly down when you last saw him? It might just be the bipolar, in which case he probably just doesn't want you to see him in that state, considering you guys have only been dating for a matter of months. He clearly cares about you enough to consider himself your boyfriend but maybe he is afraid of how you will react if you are to see him in his moods. Show him that you like him regardless of his illness and that you are willing to accept him as he is, so long as he gets help and doesn't shut you out.
So. I suddenly had a strong gut feeling last night. We met on a dating site so I logged back in (hadn't been on there for weeks) and lo and behold he's been active within the past 24 hours and updated lots of new photos, including ones he'd sent to me. This is after spending weeks telling me I'm perfect, I tick all of his boxes and referring to himself as my boyfriend. He was so full on.

I'd also been so worried about him that I messaged his mum just to ask if there was anything I could do to help him/her. Guess what? She was totally confused and said he's absolutely fine. So he just ghosted me all of a sudden for reasons that are inexplicable. This has never happened to me before, I'm totally shocked. But at least no more sleepless nights worrying about him lying on his own in a dark room wanting to end it all. What a fool I've been!
 
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