Can somebody advise please

[LostinSpace]

I am very worried about my wife and children.
my wife and I have a very difficult relationship she is forever pushing people away. she quickly makes a relationship and the pushes the existing one away. so far she has now pushed away all her family and now me. things have gotten so bad I have moved out intoa hotel. last night I went to look after our 8 year old daughter we had a row and she took my daughter away to the pub where she works apparently she was looked after by a new friend (male) who has been known to us for some time however she has never had him as a close firend they refer to each other as brother and sister. he has a prison record, smokes dope and has just come out of a volatile relationship and he was able to take my daughter to his house and look after her. today she has been prescribed anti depressants sleeping tablets and counselling. the issues are about her childhood I have asked her to get help yet it she says it does not work. She has pushed away her father and has moded an aged man with parkinsons into the father she wants he runs her everywhere. are main problems started when she was going through her teenage daughters diary and found a paragraph that said "dad is cross me again I don't like it and get scared when he is cross", she took the diaryfrom her daughter and hid it she was so upset that her mum had done this. Everytime we had a row she would say your daughter is scared of you and i have the proof. this has been going on for 3 years. she tries to get her daughter ( I use her daughter as she is my step daughter yet we are like father and daughter) to tell me she is scared of of me and when she says she wont she then says that it is because she is too scared to say it. she says I mentally abuse her. all the friends she is making seem to have issues and they are feeding off each other.
my 8 year old daughter has just phoned me asking when she is going to see me and I can't tell her. she then asked me if i had a padlock she could have and i said no why? her reply "I am writing a diary!"

her father is going to speak to her tonight as he is very angry about what has been going on. my wife had told me not to tell him years ago as he would not thank me for troubling him with our problems. he was annoyed when i told him but for not telling him earlier.

However i am getting franticly worried about the children especially my youngest.

does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[spiritual_emergency]

Part of the difficulty here LostinSpace is there are multiple situations going on.

- Probably the first thing I would recommend you do is to contact a lawyer. At this time you seem quite distressed by what's happened in your marriage and I'm guessing you'd like to see those problems addressed and corrected. Nonetheless, you might also find yourself getting a divorce and if that's the case, you need to know what your rights are and possibly, take steps to protect them. In addition, you also need to know what your rights are in regard to your children and step-children.

- In regard to your wife... you seem to have identified the problem as originating in her relationship with her father. If that were the case, it would seem that reading your stepdaughter's diary entry about her relationship with you served to retrigger your wife's own unresolved conflicts and emotions with her own father.

One impression I'm getting (I may well be wrong) is that you seem to feel this is "your wife's problem". There may be some truth to that but if it's affecting your marriage and family, then it's your problem too. Have the two of you considered going to see a counselor together?

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[LostinSpace]

Thank you spiritual emergency for you reply.

there are a number of issues going on here that I am aware, I tried to get a quick overview in what was a lengthy account.

I have always felt that my wife has a problem with her chidhood and it manifests it self in her relationships, family relationships even with her daughters is difficult for her, she was not allowed contact with her father when she was young, he tried to get access however it was in the days before fathers rights and she was passed between her mother and grand parents her mother is a very difficult person and suffers from a mental health problem.

I am OK with the break up of our marriage I have become so resillient to her vicious onslaughts over the years i have become to beleive it is the only way forward. she blames me for leaving yet she tells me she is cold, cruel and heartless. if she is ill and it can cured then there is hope as she needs good support.

If I am wrong then, I am wrong. On my 38th birthday on 30/10 my present from her was to tell me she is heart broken because another man had shown interest in her and she had met him for lunch, she told me she had chosen to stay with me because he was younger and better looking and it would not have worked and she wanted to put all into her marriage. I could not cope with the way she told me, arguements got bad. I ended up in hospital after being found in a layby, car engine running and was taken to hospital with breathing difficulties (panic attack). we stayed away from each other for a week, she had text me all the time. I spoke to her saturday morning we agreed to try and patch up yet she could not resist telling me she had met an ex the previous night and now wanted to be friends with him again, everything is about these numerous friends that she is making, she relies on them, to get through the day. she uses them for support in arguments, and they back her up all the time.
her father has just tried to phone her and cannot get an answer. My daughter will be at Brownies and the last few times she has taken her, she has remained in the pub across the road with these Friends. I work 45 miles away and hence very worried about the damage that is being inflicted on the children specifically the 8 year old.

 

[LostinSpace]

also my employer has organised couples counselling for us the first appointment being wednesday evening
Thanks

 

[spiritual_emergency]

LostinSpace: there are a number of issues going on here that I am aware, I tried to get a quick overview in what was a lengthy account.

Yes, quite understandable. When these things break through to the surface it's often as one big tangled mass and one of the first steps can be to begin sitting down and sorting through the various threads.

In this instance we now know there are a number of relationship difficulties:

- Your wife's relationship with her father (and quite likely, her mother too)
- Your wife's relationship with you.
- Your wife's relationship with her children.
- Your wife's relationships with other people.

- Your relationship with your wife.
- Your relationship with your wife's parents (father and mother)
- Your relationship with your children.
- Your relationship with other people that your wife identifies as helpful and supportive to her. Her relationships with other males seem to be particularly painful to you.


- Your children's relationship with their mother.
- Your children's relationship with their father (s).

All of these relationships are being impacted at this time which is why this can all feel so overwhelming and immense.

Times of crisis are seldom the best times to make big decisions such as ending a marriage. I suspect you have hit a state of hopelessness which is why you're feeling "ok" about ending the marriage, but last week, when your wife told you about that other man, you were so despondant about that it seems you attempted to end your own life. This suggests to me that your true preference would be to stay in the marriage but you need a healthier one to be truly content within it.

Likewise, your wife has also expressed a desire to stay in the marriage and work on the problems. I would suggest this is a starting point for both of you to begin turning around these difficulties you have encountered. After doing so for a period of time you may find that the marriage simply isn't going to work and will make the choice at that time to seek a formal separation and divorce. You may also find however, that you're able to make the marriage you both want.

There are probably some deep wounds in the space between you and she but you may find some common ground in regard to your children. Perhaps you could come together at this time to make some decisions regarding them.

Meantime, this link may also be helpful to you: http://marriagebuilders.com/

There are a number of exercises there that spouses can do together. In some cases, it may be best to do them independantly and then compare notes. In particular, I suggest you both do the exercise that identifies your most important emotional needs. My guess is that you'll find that neither of you have been having these needs met for quite some time and this has contributed to an underlying unhappiness in both parties. Her relationships with other men also seem to be experienced by you as the equivalent of, or bordering on, infidelity. You will likely find some information at that site that might help you both in moving beyond that.

Best to you and your family, LostinSpace.

~ Namaste

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[LostinSpace]

Dear Spiritual_Emergency,

Thank you for you kind words of wisdom and support. I had come into my office today to prepare and write things down and plan forward. I told myself not to log into work emails as I wanted a "life planning day". I couldn't resist due to wanting to see replies to my posting.

You are entirely right in what you have said. Comments I cannot thank you enough for making.

last night I had long discussions between my family and her family, her father. Her father has spoken to her, I am meeting her family tonight to discuss things we are going to counselling on wednesday, She is meeting her father on Saturday and he has asked if I can meet them all then. which I am happy to do if all feel it is the right thing to do.

there are 40 years of issues here which cannot be fixed overnight.

You are right about my feelings towards her gravitating to other men.

I hold a position of responsibilty(within social care) which I uphold this position with due dilligence and pride.

the males she is gravitating towards are involving her in activities which unfortunately are illegal, I have told her it is inappropriate yet I am told not to take the moral high ground. there is an investigation into these activities people are suspended from their jobs, she is supporting the purpetrators in providing "information" to exhonerate them. I hold information to convict them. She has put her job at risk and her employers business, with wider implications further afield. The more I tried to talk to her about it the closer she goes to these people. It is worse than infidelity with infidelity someone has done something which has hurt you, you know has been done, you know the consequences. With what is happening in our relationship you live in fear of the outcome that may be which is psycholgically intolerable.

the only thing I can be now is honest, if we are to go to counselling and try to resolve issues then everything has to be out in the open and on the table. Nothing can be left to be resolved at a later date when the help is not there.

It is going to be a long Journey and a very bumpy one we have the right support behind us now. I went for help to the friends that were feeding some of what was happening and were perhaps not giving the best advice. That was a mistake.

Thank you for your generous gifts of time and wisdom.

Namaste.

 

[LostinSpace]

The difficult thing is I have taught Maslow's Hierachy of needs to many people. Yet missed it when it mattered to understand someone.

many thanks!

 

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello LostinSpace,
You sound more hopeful after your "life planning day".

the only thing I can be now is honest, if we are to go to counselling and try to resolve issues then everything has to be out in the open and on the table. Nothing can be left to be resolved at a later date when the help is not there.

I sincerely hope you and your wife are able to take your marriage in a more positive direction. The right counselor can often make a crucial difference although it should always be remembered that the people who do the real work are the couple. To that end, it's been my experience that finding the "right" counselor can occasionally be a difficult process. A number of people I speak with don't have the option of formal counseling so I try to find (and share) free resources they can use to their benefit. The marriagebuilders site is one such resource. I don't agree with every aspect of their model and you and your wife probably won't either, but there are some solid guidelines there that can help a couple in crisis move beyond it. Another site that might be useful to you and your wife is this one: Eneagram Personality Profiles.

My husband and I made use of both of the above sites over the past few years when we found our own marriage was hitting a crisis point. We couldn't find a counselor in the city we were then living in so we worked through some of the material on the marriage builders site on our own. Later, we did find a counselor in a different city and she recommended the eneagram site to us. It was especially helpful to us in understanding the pattern of our interactions. One cautionary note -- the developers stress that each individual has only one predominant eneagram style but I found that the primary style varied by setting. For example, my husband is a "Helper" within his marriage but he is a "Challenger" within his work environment. Also, they offer a comprehensive "paid" profile test but this didn't produce a significant difference in results found with the "free" profile test offered on their site.

At any rate, you may want to tuck those links away. That way, you and your wife can continue to work on improving your marriage during this time of crisis even if you don't find a good fit with your immediate counselor.



~ Namaste

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