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can i please get a hug? i'm so scared, so many things happening, i just want to escape reality

calmleaves

calmleaves

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 30, 2021
Messages
545
Location
somewhere in paradise
These past few weeks have been really rough for me. And i'm so scared. I've been having tons of exams and homeworks non stop with no breaks at all.
My college chose to move me to a brand new class in the third semester (now i'm in fifth semester). My classmates this semester that i thought were "friends" turned out only want to be with me to taken advantage of me and they've shown their true colors now. Let's say i have these classmates name Lily, Pizza, Fauna and Floral. They are slightly close with me but of course they know nothing about who i really am or what happened in my life. They are more like a college buddies. Lily was a newcomer to our class 4 months ago, she was really bossy in the beginning of the semester and she was also the leader of our class. We have a group chat for our class on whatsapp (since class is online now). She got bullied by everyone in the class because everyone think she was bossy, annoying, upsetting, dominant and all that. Suddenly she become the public enemy of the class.

I didn't know her at first, i felt bad to her so i chat her and comfort her and reassurance her. The bullying last for awhile and during those times i keep supporting her with all my best. She started venting a lot to me through chats, phone calls, voice note. I spare all my time for her, to make her feel better. Eventually she got kicked by the group chat of the class. I keep supporting her, cheering her up and all that. She made a separated group for classmates that still want to hear her. I've been there for her since 0. She then make a different group for me, Pizza, Fauna and Flora. Basically a group for people she trust and close with in class(which only 4). I knew Flora since the first semester, we are slightly close and often hang out together. I knew pizza since the first semester as well but we weren't close. So about Lily, she is older than me, so i try to be nice, polite and obey here up until 2 weeks ago. I did get annoyed by her infinity calls, but i tried to suck it up myself. So she often make group phone calls everyday more than once, only to talk about non-important random stuff to her venting about her life. She often vented about her poor life decision and poor love life like... Flora and I have been telling her from the beginning that she should break up from her boyfriend long time ago, even before dating i told her he is suspicious but she won't listen to us, but then continue to complain about her boyfriend everyday. They finally broke up now because turned out his boyfriend keep asking money from her. Like.. i've seen it. And she acted like it's all okay but then keep bothering me calling me venting about all these. But whenever i try to vent about any little thing, she brushed it off and only talk about her.

Every things that she complained about happened because she is such a stubborn because whenever i gave her tons of advice she won't listen to me, and when she face the consequences of her action, she complained. Like she said she's scared of commitment so she've been playing several men's heart everyday, changing from this person to this person every single day. Like she didn't even serious about relationship, how did she expect to have a good relationship. Even when she was with that toxic boyfriend who kept asking money, she still cheated with other guys. Like... whatever.

And then so Lily fought with Fauna about this toxic boyfriend in the past because Fauna had a crush on him long before Lily knew this toxic boyfriend. Blabalabalabla, Lily ended up kicked out Fauna from our group chat and no longer be friends with her. Man, she is cruel i swear to god. Fauna have been with her since 0 as well but she just throw her away like that. I admit that Fauna have toxic behaviour and also selfish and taking advantage of people but that's literally Lily as well, they suited each other so much lol.

So after that, only 4 people left in the group chat which is me, Flora, Pizza and Lily. Everything was fine, i just sacrifice all my time and sanity to pick up calls from Lily and listening to her venting for hours and give her my best advice. We got a big group project from our campus, this group project is important because we need the certificate for our last thesis in order to graduate. This group project is happening right with final exam as well so everything is a chaos right now. I realized Lily true colors. Lily become the leader of the group project. The group project consists of me, Lily, Pizza, Fauna, Flora, and 4 of Lily's friends from her previous class. So in this group project, we are allowed to recruit members from other class. So the group project is basically a community service, we have to make a project related with community service. Lily basically live in some kind of neighbourhood of army, since her father is an army, they got free house there and Lily know many people in army. So without out permission, Lily just made the project as "A workshop to armies on how to improve public speaking in army" like.. that doesn't even make sense and kinda out of topic from how the community service supposed to be. And it's difficult and she is the only one who knew background about army. She already submitted the title to our lecturer without our permission. And then she, out of nowhere gave me tons of work to do for the proposal. She even told me, alone, have to make the whole body of the proposal. Like i don't even have basic idea about military and army and all that. It was her stupid idea but she used me as the black goat.

4 of her friends that are in our group project all are men. Pizza is also a male. And since Lily is a pick me girl and misogyny, she gave all the hard work to me. Because i'm a girl who is always kind, obedient and sacrifice everything for her because i thought she was my friend so yes i did all that but now i realized she is not a friend at all. She just nasty person that taken advantage of my kindness. She also make me the treasurer of the group project since the group project will cost tons of money because her stupidass. She forced me to be the treasurer even after i said no, she said "then who will be the treasurer?" likeee her friends literally aren't given anything difficult at all wtf just because they are men they don't have to work hard huh? what a misogyny. And then she keeps making a zoom meeting everyday, at night, to discuss the group project, like. .there are many times to do it but she always hassle us like this. And most of the zoom meeting are useless and only talk about random stuff.

And these past week she made some zoom meeting to talk about final exam question, she said it's "Studying together" but i'm the one who study everything and they force me to do their work, answer their work, check their work and fix the mistakes. And whenever i want to leave they got mad at me and said i'm so stingy and all that. Like... the final exam.. they have to study first if they want to mastered it but they are too lazy to study so they just gonna use me? like i study days, hours for all these and they just stole everything from me? that's not fair wtf. I told them how about they paid for my service of teaching them and doing their work and they got sooo butthurt and mad at me and won't reply my message and ignoring me like... am i doing something wrong here?, they make me stress by forcing me to come on zoom meeting and calling me and texting me and all that asking for answers and all that and make me cried and make me frustated and i'm the one who is in the wrong here? their audacity is beyond the world and their selfishness is horrible. They only care about themselves, only want their questions to be answered. Forcing me to read their essyas and fix the mistakes. Since i kinda put a distance with them after they forcing me and all that, they didn't talk anything in our group chat. They are ignoring me but still chatting me asking for answers and once they are done, they ignore me again. And let me tell you all these people are older than me but acted like a toddler. I'm pretty sure Pizza and Lily talked about me behind my back personally because they are the closest and both love to force me and take advantage of me. Honestly i just wanna die from all this. They even screamed at me and call me "DOG" just because i need to leave zoom meeting because i have my own things to do like i need to finish my final exam, i can't help their final exam 24/7 TF. Yet still have the audacity to chat me and ask me to answer their question in exams.

And Lily is such a pick me girl, misogyny, and an attention seeker of lecturer. Whenever i hear her seeking attention from lecturer by asking unimportant random question, i just want to puke. So we have a zoom meeting with our lecturer about our group project. Our lecturer were shocked by our title and he asked Lily if it was her idea for this, and Lily said "no, it was everyone's idea" like that was a complete lie because she was scared. She only wants to save herself. And our lecturer applaud us for being able to get permission to held a community service in military but the truth is it was easy since Lily's father work in military but of course Lily didn't tell the truth to the lecturer because she wants to make it seem like we did hard work for this shit. She also always yelled at scolded me for group project and force me to be active and all that. Like she is so obsessed with this group project like it doesn't have to be super good you know, it doesn't matter if it's good or not, the important thing is the ceritificate. And then she is the one who make herself tired and all that because of her stupid useless zoom meeting she held everyday to talk about this group project and keep seeking attention in the zoom meeting by saying she is tired and she have stomach issues like.. okay? she literally know i have lupus and problems at home and 5 years life expectancy and she thinks she is the most suffering person on earth. And she still did all of this to me even though she knew all my struggles like wtf... this is literally abuse. I'm literally gonna cut her off once i'm done with this group project, i don't care about her and Pizza anymore. I'm so sick of their abuse.

And now i'm face with other problem. My narc sociopath brother got caught by the police. He was with his friend riding a motorbike and they got pulled over by the police and police found drugs in his friend's bag, and found alcohol in his bag. And that's a big deal since drugs are illegal here. So when my mother told me that, i was super happy, i even smile and try to hide my excitement. i was thinking "did universe finally answer my prayer? he finally got his karma after beaten me up until i get unconscious, hit me, screamed at me, stole my stuff and sell it without my permission, scaring me and all that?" but then my excitement didn't last long since my mother bribe the police to let him go. Life is not fair, isn't it? everything can be bribed. He deserve to be in jail more than anyone. Being in the same house with him always makes me feel unsafe, scared, shaking, anxious, i'm always get reminded by all the traumas he caused me. I will never forgive him, or anyone in my family for ruining my life and beaten me up. And so his friend's family is blaming my narc sociopath brother for everything and his friend's brother almost hit him and all that. My narc sociopath brother is home now and he is contacting his other friends to come to that friend house and beating his brother for humiliating him. Like... he gonna cause more problems. And i keep getting pictures in my head that he will put his anger to me and beat me up out of nowhere like what he did in the past. I'm so scared, there's nowhere safe for me and nobody can help me. Nobody even want to listen to me. I can't escape anywhere. I'm trapped in this home. And my narc mother and narc older sister keep talking nonstop about all this narc sociopath brother and they kinda blame me for not getting invovled to help, they always think i'm being lazy. WTF am i suppsoed to do? he was suppsoed to be in jail since day 1. I'm jsut a kid, and i'm having final exam right now.

The worst part? my mom always forgive my narc sociopath brother easily because she pity him and she thinks he suffers the worst in this earth. My mother would sacrifice anything for him, money, everything she always give to him. And me? she didn't even want to pay for my treatment, she just gonna let me die soon. She even scolded me for taking the lab test that she TOLD me to do like wtf she wants from me, always abusing me and blaming me for anything and forcing me to be her slave. She only loves my brothers and my sisters. She didn't even give me proper food, she left me alone in hospital when i was hospitalized for chronic anemia because she got mad that i won't give her money for taking care of me like... your daughter is dying and that's the only thing you care about?

I remember one time my narc sociopath brother beaten me up until i get conscious and when i woke up, my mom scolded me and told me i deserve to die and the next day told me that i have to understand why i deserve to be beaten up and be the punching bag because my narc sociopath brother might be depressed because we are not rich. I swear to god she is the worst misogynic narc mother. Like i also sad we are not rich but i don't beat people tf. My mom is delusional and lives on denial. She babied my narc sociopath brother so much even though he literally a grown up adult. But then whenever she needs help she only reaches out to me. Well i'm running away soon so good luck with your messed up sick son. My mother didn't even want to believe my mental illnesses and physical illnesses even after doctor told her i will die soon she doesn't care, in fact she is happy about it. She said "Well we never know about death, thats why you need pray everyday you dumb bitch" like... woah, if only i got adopted by someone else, my life would never be like this. I'm literally this sick because of all my family's abuse and neglect. So everyone tell me, what's the point for me to even continue living? Even after i run away, small possibility i can survive alone, completely alone, living in shadow hiding from my family. Everyday will still the same nightmares the same mental and physical illneeses that will take my whole life to fix and cure it.
 
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