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Can I ever make this better?

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Drainedxx

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Joined
Feb 27, 2018
Messages
3
I am currently living with my fiance who I have been with a little over a year now, and I believe he may have a personality disorder. I have lied to him in the past, and I do regret it but I did it out of fear of his verbally violent outbursts. I wont get into detail about them, but they involve A LOT of cursing and screaming or belittling of me. What bothers me is that when he remembers these incidents he deems me an equally abusive and verbally aggressive partner. What I remember and what he remembers is completely different.

One incident he had been berating me for hours upon hours verbally, and I snapped and hit him. I just completely broke from the verbal assault. I apologized profusely, and said I was sorry but he continued his raging more. I had never hit anyone in my entire life, I was shocked I did this. When I told him I found him mean, he grabbed me and choked me and slammed me into a wall so hard he put a hole in it. I begged him to stop and he grabbed me by the shirt and threw me outside. He ended up taking my phone, and using it to call people.

I forgave him for the incident and told him it was just due to alcohol, but he insisted I was "bad mouthing" him and lying to people about his behavior. He ended up threatening to come to my residence and beat people up. He then came to my apartment with his key and entered and attempted to get my computer away from me. I became fed up and afraid of this person and I ended up calling the police. He came back to me begging for forgiveness, saying his behavior was so wrong and he deserved to have that happen. Yet now, I am basically called a horrible person for ever doing that to him.

Over a year later he remembers this as he grabbed me to prevent me from attacking him, and he did what he needed to do in order to protect himself and that I often have periods of being belligerent towards him. We have wonderful and amazing periods of love, only for something to set him of and he rages but then returns to normal. I feel like I have become addicted to the love. All he remembers is that I am the verbally abusive partner (basically my reactions to his verbal abuse), and that I treat him poorly but he loves me anyway.

He is constantly implying that I am cheating on him. He makes these wild accusations up, and when I confront him about it he insists he never implied anything and that I am accusing myself of cheating. Why else would he ask me repeatedly what time I left work? Or what place I went for lunch? It seems like no matter what I say he pokes "holes" in my daily activities to the point I even question things I know happened.

I fell pregnant and ended up miscarrying, and instead of having support from my partner he screamed at me for days. Saying awful things, calling me stupid, a liar, etc. When I told him I didn't deserve this he insisted I did, that I killed the child etc. He calmed down eventually and told me it wasn't my fault. I ended up leaving work early the day I found out I needed surgery to remove the embryo, and he was so adamant that I met someone for lunch that he insisted I text him exactly what time I left work. I was hysterical. I tried to show him I didn't do anything wrong, but he was screaming and cursing at me again calling me a liar. I have had text messages from him for days, "lol you left work when you texted your boss." He even took photos of all my personal identification while I was sleeping in case I was "up to something".

I just don't know what to do anymore. These outbursts just seem to happen every month and they wont stop. He rarely admits he was wrong, and when he does it's always just a simple sorry and again I become the "mutual" abuser and he is trying to get over the rotten things I have done to him. It's just like this man completely ignores his raging abuse that he puts me through. Am I living with a raging narcissist? I feel like he is placing all of the things HE does onto me, and turning ME into the exact person he knows that HE is.

For the entire relationship I bought that it was all me, that he never had been with a girl like "me" before and never had to deal with someone who behaved like me. I have spent the entire time trying to change to what I think he needs, but it just seems to never be good enough and I have to constantly hear wild accusations about what he thinks I did or be told, "I am trying to get over the "rotten" things you've done to me." When I tell him that he has also done horrible things, but I still care about him and love him, he always insists that he has never done anything horrible. Does this what he really think? Or is he just deflecting?
 
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Drainedxx

New member
Joined
Feb 27, 2018
Messages
3
He is also obsessed with the idea that I "falsely" accused him of rape. We had went to a parade and I was tired, so we ended up going home. He was drunk, and angry and saying awful things to me. He ended up saying all I want to do was have sex so he was going to have sex with me. He pulled out his penis and grabbed my head while I was screaming at him to stop. My friends told me that this was considered sexual assault and strongly encouraged I leave and press charges. I told him this in an attempt to make him understand that his behavior was not appropriate, but instead it turned into that I am a liar, and was laughing the entire time while he did it. What woman would LAUGH and an incident such as that? I was absolutely horrified and felt degraded. I just wonder if he actually believes that these things happened this way, or he knows he was wrong and cannot own up to his poor behavior.

I want the wonderful man I fell in love with, the one I have a great time with and who buys me flowers, chocolate, and makes me dinner and does everything for me. The one that calls me beautiful, smart, and attractive. But I am wondering if he's a real man, and I am getting to know what he is behind his mask. I have my own issues with depression and anxiety, and I truly love this man and want to be there for him but I am becoming more and more aggravated with what he does. How can I make a person stop behaving like this when he doesn't think he does anything wrong? When I am told to my face after every argument that I am a verbally abusive liar?
 
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Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
42,284
Location
Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
hi :welcome:
im worried my reply might be useless but im going to give it a go

you really cannot be expected to tolerate this kind of behaviour x
it seems like you want things to work with him?
then the obvious thing would be talking to him about your feelings and how you want things to work with him but find his behaviour too much to cope with at times
i am worried about you talking to him though because of his violent outburts

if it were me personally i would end the relationship unless he refused to seek help
you are really important and deserve to feel safe and secure in your own home x

do you want to make things work or would you rather be out of the relationship?
there are places you could seek refuge such as women's aid

from what you describe i can't say whether or not he has a PD as i am not qualified
but having a PD doesn't necessarily make somebody a violent person-verbally or physically

im sorry this reply is not very good ,i have a migraine but i didn't want your post to go unanswered ,it is too important

just remember you do not have to tolerate this and there are ways of leaving if you choose to
if you want to make it work perhaps you could consider counselling together?
but it also sounds as though he could do with some counselling in his own right to do with his anger/behaviour

lots of love Lu x
 
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Drainedxx

New member
Joined
Feb 27, 2018
Messages
3
I DO want it to work, and I support him regardless of some of the things that happen but I don't think he can comprehend his behavior is not appropriate. I can leave whenever I want. He says I never see his side of anything, and just think about myself. I actually do see his side of things, and commend him for changing his drinking habits and seeking therapy. However, he has said to me numerous times that he never really needed help, and that he basically has to deal with all of this "BS" because of me. I have tried talking to him about the behavior and it is ALWAYS deflected onto me. I should just "get over" his verbally abusive outbursts and I am also verbally abusive. I have said things out of anger to him, which I do regret and don't think are appropriate but he just always uses them as an excuse to justify the way he speaks to me. Oh well YOU curse at me, I don't curse at you...YOU do this, YOU do that. His ex FWB from prior to the relationship wrote him a letter that basically said that he shouldn't be with someone who says horrible things to him and makes him upset and he deserves better. It was really telling to me, because it shows me that he describes this incidents as me being a verbal abuser. I talked to a few of my exes and all of them said that I was most certainly not verbally abusive. I REACT to him.
 
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Hope929

New member
Joined
Mar 9, 2018
Messages
1
No one should ever have to tolerate or live under the abuse you have been living under. It is not normal.
It is not healthy. And the longer you live like this, the shock value of all these terrible episodes goes away. You are right. He needs help. His issues are greater than anything you can handle. sounds like he wouldnt be interested in therapy. The fact that you have stayed with him can be both admirable and detrimental. The damage done to you over and over and over again with his verbal/emotional/physical outbursts is taking it's toll. Have you heard of codependency? It's about women/men who love too much even to their own detriment. They stay in abusive relationships trying so hard to make things right. Would you consider some counseling yourself? It can only be a good thing. It's time to take care of you. Get yourself emotionally well again. Please take the step. You won't regret it. Be Strong! I will pray for you!
 
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