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Can I ask parenting advice here?

M

Missingapart

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Joined
Oct 9, 2019
Messages
47
Location
Germany
Well I’m bipolar and sometimes parenting is hard. I think my second youngest might be bipolar. She is 8. Anyways. When she doesn’t get what she wants. Temper tantrum breaks out.
It’s no one loves me, I don’t belong here. I want to be alone. Blah blah blah. Excessive crying louder and louder. Just won’t stop unless you hold her.

I’m so done! She doesn’t even know what hard is! I was abused! She IS spoiled! Sometimes I feel she needs to be to experience pain to understand but I know that is bad.

HELP ME!
 
fazza

fazza

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Jul 23, 2014
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1,717
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U.K
No. Pain is not the answer. I have 5 kids 3 of them have so far been through the "nobody loves me stage". It passes.
Talk talk talk and talk that's all you can do. Let her see how it makes you feel when she says "nobody loves me" but do not place her in any way in to face harm.
I had a pretty messed up childhood and the best way of dealing with this situation is to break the chain otherwise your past becomes her past too.
Fun inclusive activities reinforces reassurance for kids.
Not pain and not experiences of bad times from your past
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Mar 19, 2019
Messages
3,791
Location
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Hi Missingapart,

This sounds very much like my friend's daughter at that age. She would create public scenes for anything from ice creams to a second go on a fairground ride...cranking up the level of hysteria with every fresh "No" she received. She's twelve now (so is my own child) and chooses sulking over hysteria these days. ;)

Honestly, I don't think it's anything abnormal. The behaviour worked for her because my friend would always give in to whatever she wanted at some stage. If they know an adult will cave at some point, they just keep at it until they get the result they want.

Most important thing is for you to remain absolutely calm if you need to deliver a "No" and don't relent - no matter how loud or hysterical she gets. Always explain your reasoning why you're not giving her what she wants and then pretty much ignore what follows from her. The more calm and soothing you are - the more control you have.

It will take a few ugly scenes for her to realise that what she's doing isn't rewarding...it doesn't get her attention, sympathy or the thing she wants - it's a waste of her time and energy.

Please don't worry about her being bipolar at this stage - it's all very typical territory for her age.

Exhausting and very trying for you, so make sure you get a break and some 'you' time along the way.

All the best x
 
M

Missingapart

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2019
Messages
47
Location
Germany
No. Pain is not the answer. I have 5 kids 3 of them have so far been through the "nobody loves me stage". It passes.
Talk talk talk and talk that's all you can do. Let her see how it makes you feel when she says "nobody loves me" but do not place her in any way in to face harm.
I had a pretty messed up childhood and the best way of dealing with this situation is to break the chain otherwise your past becomes her past too.
Fun inclusive activities reinforces reassurance for kids.
Not pain and not experiences of bad times from your past
I know pain isn’t the answer. It’s just SUPER annoying!!!!!!
 
M

Missingapart

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2019
Messages
47
Location
Germany
Hi Missingapart,

This sounds very much like my friend's daughter at that age. She would create public scenes for anything from ice creams to a second go on a fairground ride...cranking up the level of hysteria with every fresh "No" she received. She's twelve now (so is my own child) and chooses sulking over hysteria these days. ;)

Honestly, I don't think it's anything abnormal. The behaviour worked for her because my friend would always give in to whatever she wanted at some stage. If they know an adult will cave at some point, they just keep at it until they get the result they want.

Most important thing is for you to remain absolutely calm if you need to deliver a "No" and don't relent - no matter how loud or hysterical she gets. Always explain your reasoning why you're not giving her what she wants and then pretty much ignore what follows from her. The more calm and soothing you are - the more control you have.

It will take a few ugly scenes for her to realise that what she's doing isn't rewarding...it doesn't get her attention, sympathy or the thing she wants - it's a waste of her time and energy.

Please don't worry about her being bipolar at this stage - it's all very typical territory for her age.

Exhausting and very trying for you, so make sure you get a break and some 'you' time along the way.

All the best x
Thing is she picks the worst ones to throw tantrums.

like today. She had to pick lunch. The one place she wanted wasn't open. She is hard headed and wouldn’t budge on ANYTHING else. It just drives me nuts. So I had her sit and “decide” for over 45 mins. As she kicks and huffs and be a brat. As her sisters tries to eat.

OF COURSE the place she wants magically opens and I want to stand my ground but I can’t starve the damn kid!

UGH!!
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
3,791
Location
UK
Thing is she picks the worst ones to throw tantrums.

like today. She had to pick lunch. The one place she wanted wasn't open. She is hard headed and wouldn’t budge on ANYTHING else. It just drives me nuts. So I had her sit and “decide” for over 45 mins. As she kicks and huffs and be a brat. As her sisters tries to eat.

OF COURSE the place she wants magically opens and I want to stand my ground but I can’t starve the damn kid!

UGH!!
I know it's draining. :hug:

Just be firm and stick to your guns...and vent here if it gets too much.

Sending you lots of love and a big hug x


 
Confusedandanxious

Confusedandanxious

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Joined
May 5, 2019
Messages
660
Location
Uk
Thing is she picks the worst ones to throw tantrums.

like today. She had to pick lunch. The one place she wanted wasn't open. She is hard headed and wouldn’t budge on ANYTHING else. It just drives me nuts. So I had her sit and “decide” for over 45 mins. As she kicks and huffs and be a brat. As her sisters tries to eat.

OF COURSE the place she wants magically opens and I want to stand my ground but I can’t starve the damn kid!

UGH!!
You wouldnt have starved her, she was choosing not to eat until she got her own way. She would eventually eat what was offered if you held out. If she didnt, she would have lost out and had to have something at home and would think twice before refusing eating out next time. I know it's hard, but stand your ground on decisions you make. Dont let her sit for 45 minutes to make a decision. Tell her it's either this or that...the two choices work brilliantly. In this situation the choice could have been "you either choose something to eat here, or you get something when we get home"

I learned not to give mine the huge choices. I'd pick two things and give the choice of either one. They could handle that better than a bigger decision.
"We can eat at x resteraunt or we can go to the cafe. Which would you prefer?"


I'm on to child number 3 going through this stage now. It really is draining. It's funny when it annoys my teen because I say "now you know how I felt when you were like that!"
 
M

Missingapart

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2019
Messages
47
Location
Germany
You wouldnt have starved her, she was choosing not to eat until she got her own way. She would eventually eat what was offered if you held out. If she didnt, she would have lost out and had to have something at home and would think twice before refusing eating out next time. I know it's hard, but stand your ground on decisions you make. Dont let her sit for 45 minutes to make a decision. Tell her it's either this or that...the two choices work brilliantly. In this situation the choice could have been "you either choose something to eat here, or you get something when we get home"

I learned not to give mine the huge choices. I'd pick two things and give the choice of either one. They could handle that better than a bigger decision.
"We can eat at x resteraunt or we can go to the cafe. Which would you prefer?"


I'm on to child number 3 going through this stage now. It really is draining. It's funny when it annoys my teen because I say "now you know how I felt when you were like that!"
thank you. I have tried that with her. She just yells. I don’t know or I don’t want that.

my husband is pretty much not here to help so I’m on my own with parenting. He is the type that is physically there but not mentally.

I’m not sure how much more I can handle before I break.

my oldest is not much older(she is 16 months older) but she gives me a hard time when the other isn’t!!

so if it’s not one it’s the other!!! Ugh! But with the oldest, she calms down faster.
 
C

Curiousk2012

Member
Joined
Aug 26, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Pennsylvania
I'm bipolar and have extreme issues with parenting. I believe my 7 year old takes aftet me. He's the same way and goes as far as saying he wants to kill himself. He has extreme shifts in mood. Right now he's on adhd medication which seems to help nothing. But yes parenting is not my strong suit at all and sometimes and i hate to say it i just
mentally check out because it gets too hard for me and i can't handle it.
 
M

Missingapart

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2019
Messages
47
Location
Germany
I'm bipolar and have extreme issues with parenting. I believe my 7 year old takes aftet me. He's the same way and goes as far as saying he wants to kill himself. He has extreme shifts in mood. Right now he's on adhd medication which seems to help nothing. But yes parenting is not my strong suit at all and sometimes and i hate to say it i just
mentally check out because it gets too hard for me and i can't handle it.
my oldest, who is 9 1/2. Said she doesn’t want to live. That’s nice. Let’s make mommy go more crazy!!!!

I don’t have a psychiatrist yet sooo all the meds I have now is all I got and can only get. No adjustment are allowed. Good luck and goodbye is all I get. Bleh. I hate it!!

I swear sometimes I wonder how people think when they see moms struggling!!
 
M

Mary26

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Feb 28, 2018
Messages
177
Location
USA
Our kids are way more tuned into us than we realize so if they're unhappy, it's possibly a reaction to our unhappiness or just not feeling safe. So when my kid was miserable (and yes, talked about not wanting to live) I started connecting with him from the heart and when I gave him my attention, he really had my attention and it shifted him.
 
M

Missingapart

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Joined
Oct 9, 2019
Messages
47
Location
Germany
Our kids are way more tuned into us than we realize so if they're unhappy, it's possibly a reaction to our unhappiness or just not feeling safe. So when my kid was miserable (and yes, talked about not wanting to live) I started connecting with him from the heart and when I gave him my attention, he really had my attention and it shifted him.
well the thing is I was to hide my emotions And sadness very well. My mother will beat the living hell out of me if I did anything she didn’t like. She didn’t like me so she just beats me.

either way my kids Do not react to me. Because I’m dead inside.
 
M

Mary26

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Feb 28, 2018
Messages
177
Location
USA
well the thing is I was to hide my emotions And sadness very well. My mother will beat the living hell out of me if I did anything she didn’t like. She didn’t like me so she just beats me.

either way my kids Do not react to me. Because I’m dead inside.
Interesting how you weave from past tense to present tense. It sounds like you're still experiencing the trauma as though it's happening right now. You may feel numb but it sounds like you're in a lot of pain. I spent years numbing myself out and for me that was worse than feeling. I was fortunate to find a really good psychologist who helped me go through the pain in a safe environment and start to heal. I wish you healing.
 
M

Missingapart

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Joined
Oct 9, 2019
Messages
47
Location
Germany
at Times I feel like the kids are emotionally abusing me. Sometimes I feel like one will lash out and hit me. I dunno. Just how I feel.

yea I’m trying to find help. Just no one here answers their phone and when they do somehow they don’t speak English but I got their number from a provider list that is for just Americans. I don’t know.
 
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