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Can having a sociopath partner ever work?

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Lisa1974

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Feb 10, 2017
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33
Hi,

Ive recently split from my partner of nearly seven years who I now believe is a sociopath!

I'm trying to get as much advice and information as possible to help me heal and accept what has happened as I'm finding it very difficult to understand!

After doing on line research I think I'm a codependent.

I have two questions -

1) is there anyone on here that is successfully in a relationship with a sociopath? If so how do you get it to work?

2)if I wasn't a codependent could my relationship of worked? If so is it too late to fix things?

Thanks in advance for any advice!
 
calypso

calypso

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If he is a sociopath then I would argue that you can't have a meaningful relationship with him. He would be incapable of understanding normal emotions and needs of another. I would say that you need to move on if possible and nothing you do would make it work and you are not to blame for things going wrong, he just can't relate to you as other people do. What makes you think he is a sociopath?
 
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Lisa1974

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Hi,

I think he is a sociopath because of his behaviour over the last 7 years.

He's stolen money off me, manipulated me, catfished me for 5 years which has put me in dangerous situations(including dangerous sexual encounters), lied to me constantly about sometimes trivial things, been unfaithful(this I have only worked out since we seperatly).

I believe he doesn't even love his own 4 children and only uses them when it is beneficial to himself!

I'm finding it difficult to accept that he doesn't love me now or never has!

I believe he picked me on purpose as I live 2 hours away from his family and ex wife. The girl he has moved onto lives 3 hours away from me and 3 hours away from his family! He appears to have chose geographical distances between us intentionally so that we can not speak to each other and put together the pieces to show what he is capable of!

He had been contacting me daily, mainly through the catfish contact (which he is unaware I have worked out). However, I told him 3 days ago I am unable to be friends with him like he wanted and he said he wouldn't text me again. I have tried not contacting him but today I have text him because I still worry about him and he has not replied! I'm assuming this means that he has realised I am no longer of any use to him and so doesn't love me at all!!

After doing on line research I believe I am a codependent and so am partly responsible for his behaviour by feeding him the attention and availability he craves!

I know I should have no contact at all with him, but it's so hard to walk away from a 7 year relationship!
 
The Duellist

The Duellist

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if this individual is disordered i would say narc is more likely given your description. unless you provide more detail. Socios are least detectable in the beginning whereas narcs are more obvious. Also judging by your casual fondness with recalling your experience with 'socios' i doubt they are socios. If you were in a relationship with or were intimately exposed to a socio for any length of time you would never want to be near one again if you could tell the signs.

Also i doubt a sociopath would hold out for you.There is no keeping your distance for years. they come in your life, screw it up, and then abruptly leave. that's the socio modus operandi.

The people who generally attract sociopaths are those who look like easy marks. The word "attract" usually means 'use and abuse', so you may want to consider what it is that's making you look like a potential victim because it's obviously creating a target on you.

1) is there anyone on here that is successfully in a relationship with a sociopath? If so how do you get it to work?

You'd have to be a sociopath yourself, because birds of a feather flock together.

2)if I wasn't a codependent could my relationship of worked? If so is it too late to fix things?

No, you never had a relationship to begin with.

3) After doing on line research I believe I am a codependent and so am partly responsible for his behaviour by feeding him the attention and availability he craves!

Narc

Someone I know posed this question; How come I can spot a sociopath in a second and can rarely be manipulated by one, but when it comes to narcissists I'm a complete idiot, their bullshit just passes unnoticed on my radar for some reason?

You may be drawn to darkness in people, feel chronically bored around nons, have the best conversations and experiences wwith people with PDs. It's easy to get addicted to this constant adrenaline and then later miss it.

Most people who are actually attracted to PDs do so unwillingly. It's just how they were raised. They had narc or socio daddies, etc. attraction is not a choice. but they moreso suffer from it. The volatility is not entertainment, it's stressful in a bad way and even traumatic.

Forget this person.
 
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Lisa1974

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Hi,

I've done more research and think now that he was a sexual narc as all the lies, manipulation even the stealing money was linked to sex!

I feel sick, like I've been sexually abused! Obviously everything I did sexually at the time was consentual (apart from the times when I was drunk and sleeping!) But I was manipulated into a few situations that now make me feel raped!!
 
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Georgia May

Former member
I think if you were sleeping and he had sex with you he clearly didn't care about you and it was all about his gratification. That's quite a common behaviour amongst rapists. Because the person is drunk (sometimes with drugs) the victim is seen by many as to blame or complicit in some way and it means they can get away with it. But to do it with your partner is in some ways worse as he should care about you enough to want you to enjoy sexual contact. It does sound like something a sociopath would do.

Sexual manipulation in itself doesn't make someone a sociopath. The stealing is a telltale sign of one though, as is lying.

Forget about him. Don't waste any time thinking about him because he would love to think you were doing that.
 
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Georgia May

Former member
I think sociopaths are sadistic too. I don't know if I've been in a relationship with a narc but I think I might have been with a sociopath. He stole about £1200 off me although it was partly my fault for giving him the pin number (he did however admit he knew it anyway), was a compulsive liar and liked to say things that upset me. He also enjoyed rough sex and was in complete control of that side of things, it would never be on my terms and he didn't believe in foreplay. As a result I ended up with Bell's Paulsey, a split anus and a kidney infection. Looking back the fact he didn't wash probably had a lot to do with it. I don't think he was cheating. Sociopaths in general are only interested in getting what they want and if they hurt others it doesn't matter unless they will lose out in some way. Nothing is ever their fault. I don't think he was a narc but was very manipulative and controlling. I know everyone can be manipulative sometimes and there are plenty control freaks around but sociopaths display a lack of empathy and tend to steal and lie almost compulsively. Also many of them will harm animals with no guilt or concern and may find it funny. If any of this rings any bells with this guy then he might have been a sociopath. People who are vulnerable or/and have mental health issues are usually targets for them, or having a lack of self esteem. I only lasted under three years and I don't know how you kept going for so long if he was anything like the guy I was with. Other people had warned me off him but I'm sure the guy you were seeing was more sophisticated in his actions and I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience.
 
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Violetsparkle

Former member
easy.

No it cannot. Run.

And it is not your fault he is that way. He wants you to think that.

Get away from people like that.

Good luck to you! :)

 
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Lisa1974

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Georgia may,

Thanks your experience sounds similar to mine! However, my ex was amazing in bed!!! He would get more pleasure from pleasing me and so we wouldn't always have sex, just satisfy me!(he got off on that more than penetrating me!) He never hurt me during sex, it wasn't making love though(which to be honest I don't like anyway) it was primal sex!
The thing that makes me feel violated was the catfishing! I spoke to one man on and off for 5 years, it was very sexy and my ex encouraged me! I even had sex with this man blindfolded in my shed drunk! My ex encouraged me to do this and it was amazing!! However, now I realise this man didn't exist so my bf was getting strangers off dating sites to have sex with me! And I know how it was him as well!!! Don't get me wrong I enjoyed all the sex I had when I was with him, never felt degraded or abused, but I do now knowing it was all an elaborate twisted game that I wasn't aware of!!
 
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Lisa1974

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Georgia may,

My ex stole some money off me but not alot as I'm a single non working mum! We did all go without for him though as he wasn't working much! However, when he did work he did give me money(not as much as he should of to be honest)!
I wondered why he stole money off me and I know realise it was only to buy top ups for the secret phone that he was catfishing me from! That's why I say everything bad he ever did to me was linked to sex!
Today though I have deleted his number(haven't even got it on a piece of paper anywhere and haven't memorised it!!!) Deleted all the screen shots of messages and photos!! I text him and told him I knew about the catfishing and it made me feel sick and to never contact me again or come near my house! I know he's in my area on Wednesday, but I'm gonna be going to the sexual health clinic to be tested so I think that will put me off missing him!!!
 
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Georgia May

Former member
That sounds pretty twisted, clearly you consented and enjoyed it though, he must have been turned on by it all, there's no way the guy I was with would have wanted me going near anyone else. I don't know if that's a sociopathic trait or not. It doesn't sound like he respected you though. I would have found that weird to be honest. Rather you than me, maybe I'm just getting old.
 
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Georgia May

Former member
The best thing is to get rid of any visible memories of him so you're doing the right thing. If he has given you an STD then I'm sorry to hear that, don't ever look back because he sounds like a real pig. Sex is one thing but unless you are at it 16 hours a day the rest of the time could be very difficult. And anyone who steals your money when you are not well off doesn't care about you. It's selfish and you deserve better. Please don't ever think of going back to him, it's not worth it at all. It's good that you have deleted his number, so you can't contact him. Changing your phone number might be a good idea too. Good luck with moving on.
 
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Lisa1974

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Feb 10, 2017
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Thanks!!

I'm feeling stronger daily and seeing more clearly now!

X
 
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Georgia May

Former member
Good, just be happy to be free of him, think of this as a life lesson and know the signs to look for of sociopaths in the future. Take care not to be sucked in again by someone similar. Good luck at the clinic too.
 
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Lisa1974

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Feb 10, 2017
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The shame of going there again(went when I found out my ex ex was unfaithful!) Will keep me celibate I think lol
Xx
 
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