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Can being single for a long time mentally drain a person?

B

Bruinsrock14

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I am 25 and never had a girlfriend. I've been on POF and OkCupid for 7 years. The women on there talk with me for 3 months then they agree to a date only to cancel it 24 hours before it happens then blocked me with no explanation. I am afraid to talk to women in real life because of my Asperger's.

But anyway I have major depression and have to see a therapist now because of this.
 
M

Mister_Fabulous formerly BetaMale

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No. There are lots of people who are perfectly happy being single. I'm 30 and have never had a girlfriend either. I've also suffered from depression for most of my life but it has nothing to do with being single.

How long have you had major depression? Do you think you're depressed because you're single? Or is it the other way around?
 
A

aisha23

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I can't comment on this one.
I am single and I feel content with that

valentines day bothers me a little, but that's it. apart from that day I don't think about it

honestly I am not sure I could take the closeness. I like my space
 
I

indigo6

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Being with the wrong person for a long time can mentally drain a person.
 
Lone_wanderer

Lone_wanderer

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For me, I've discovered that expecting anyone or anything outside myself to bring me lasting happiness is only going to lead to disapointment!
 
M

Mister_Fabulous formerly BetaMale

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For me, I've discovered that expecting anyone or anything outside myself to bring me lasting happiness is only going to lead to disapointment!
This is actually quite a profound statement.

BTW, what does your sig mean?
 
I

indigo6

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Its from The Matrix, I noticed it too.
 
Lone_wanderer

Lone_wanderer

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@BetaMale, it's what I've learned through meditating on the nature of my own mind, for years I thought the right woman or job or whatever would sort things out for me, I was very wrong.

Thse sig is a quote from one of The Matrix movies (I forget which one ) and is also a veiled reference to the concept of Shunyata in Mahayana Buddhism.
 
B

Billy Idol

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No. There are lots of people who are perfectly happy being single. I'm 30 and have never had a girlfriend either. I've also suffered from depression for most of my life but it has nothing to do with being single.

How long have you had major depression? Do you think you're depressed because you're single? Or is it the other way around?
That's a whopper of a generalisation Buddy.

EVeryone is different and OF COURSE some people would start to deplete, de-energise and mentally stagnate or degenerate.

It is a human trait and general need of survival NOT just to eat and sleep,,,, but to bond, socialise and love. Anybody who says otherwise is talking rubbish.

Now of course there are exceptions, we are talking 99% of the people though, humans need stimuli, integration and even challenges. Having no partner brings no challenges and for MOST people, THIS IS MORE CHALLENGING.

Any doubters? Put yourself in isolation for 4 months and see how you feel then!!!
 
B

Bruinsrock14

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No. There are lots of people who are perfectly happy being single. I'm 30 and have never had a girlfriend either. I've also suffered from depression for most of my life but it has nothing to do with being single.

How long have you had major depression? Do you think you're depressed because you're single? Or is it the other way around?
I had depression for a couple years and it's because of being single for basically my whole 25 years of existence.
 
E

Elphie10

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I'm mid-30s and apart from a couple of very short relationships in my teens I have been single all my life. I think if it's something you really long for then yes it can drain you and affect you mentally as you get older. But I definitely agree with Lone_wanderer, you can't put all your hopes for happiness on another person. It's not fair on them and you'll never get it. A relationship will never fix everything and they bring their own problems. So I think keep looking but have some perspective on it and don't make it the be all and end all.
 
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EstherRose94

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I think you need to take that leap and meet people irl! I don’t think your having Aspergers should stop you.
 
Ozymandias

Ozymandias

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I think it can do, yes... it depends on what's most important to an individual. Honestly, the greatest 'pull' in my life was always towards romantic relationships, and even though my desires in that direction have waned somewhat with bad experiences, I still feel a profound yearning to be wanted, and to feel the validation that comes with being desirable.

I've been single for almost 15 years now, and the fact weighs increasingly heavier on me as the years pass; the more days pass and still I remain sexually invisible, the more it feels like evidence that I'm just not good enough! When I think about it, every passing second feels like another stick with which to beat myself.

The mental drain comes from the enduring task of trying to convince myself that I am good enough for someone. That I'm not as hideously ugly as being so unwanted for so long has made me feel. But, as the passage of time in and of itself feels acts - to me, at least - as solid evidence to the contrary, it becomes steadily more difficult to hold what's left of my self-worth together against the blunt thought that if I do 'deserve' to be with someone, then I would be.

Being with the wrong person for a long time can mentally drain a person.
For all my romanticising of romance, this is very true. I believe it's better to be in no relationship than in a bad one.

Thse sig is a quote from one of The Matrix movies (I forget which one ) and is also a veiled reference to the concept of Shunyata in Mahayana Buddhism.
I think it's from the first film, during the scene when Neo goes to visit The Oracle for the first time.
 
B

Billy Idol

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I think it can do, yes... it depends on what's most important to an individual. Honestly, the greatest 'pull' in my life was always towards romantic relationships, and even though my desires in that direction have waned somewhat with bad experiences, I still feel a profound yearning to be wanted, and to feel the validation that comes with being desirable.

I've been single for almost 15 years now, and the fact weighs increasingly heavier on me as the years pass; the more days pass and still I remain sexually invisible, the more it feels like evidence that I'm just not good enough! When I think about it, every passing second feels like another stick with which to beat myself.

The mental drain comes from the enduring task of trying to convince myself that I am good enough for someone. That I'm not as hideously ugly as being so unwanted for so long has made me feel. But, as the passage of time in and of itself feels acts - to me, at least - as solid evidence to the contrary, it becomes steadily more difficult to hold what's left of my self-worth together against the blunt thought that if I do 'deserve' to be with someone, then I would be.



For all my romanticising of romance, this is very true. I believe it's better to be in no relationship than in a bad one.



I think it's from the first film, during the scene when Neo goes to visit The Oracle for the first time.
LOVE your post Ozzy, struck many chords within myself and my life span. Can i ask if you are a Man or Woman? Just curious.
Sure is emptiness which is draining myself, kinda feels like some punishment.
 
Ozymandias

Ozymandias

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LOVE your post Ozzy, struck many chords within myself and my life span. Can i ask if you are a Man or Woman? Just curious.
Sure is emptiness which is draining myself, kinda feels like some punishment.
I'm male.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry that you could identify with what I wrote... and while I didn't use this term in my previous post, I know what you mean by 'emptiness'; I feel it myself.

I agree with your above post about bonding with others being not just normal, but necessary. A species cannot continue if it loses its will to procreate (look at Pandas!), and if my understanding of evolution is correct, mankind only ascended to dominance of the Earth through our ability to live in, and work as, groups.

Each to their own - we are all different, and relationships are difficult, so of course some people decide - for a variety of reasons - that they prefer to remain single. I fully respect that. What I don't like is the general attitude that seems to have developed around this subject... it sometimes feels to me as though the need to be with someone else has become perceived as a weakness, whilst the willingly single are seen as strong. I figure it's a side-effect of the obsession with individualism.
 
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