Can ANYONE relate to my problems?

[allen]

Hi,
I'm not exactly what's wrong with me, even though it's supposed to be OCD, but I deviate from classic OCD by large. However, I am always drowned by anxieties.. and sometimes depressed and feeling hopeless.

The things with which I deal are matters of the past, things that I feel I've done wrong and have gone unpunished.. I have fears that I feel that if I would expose my wrongdoings, people would judge me and send me off to prison.

I haven't killed anybody. But I did abandon a small dog once, years ago, when it was causing so much anxiety... I was aggressive to a cat that was lost and we took it under our roof (again, there were a lot anxieties involved).

Then I remember pressing my private parts (not actual intercourse though) to a girl of my age at the beginning of puberty... in her garage. She wasn't mentally retarded, but she had some slight speech problems and perhaps wasn't as smart as the rest of her generation.. maybe she would've resisted otherwise. I didn't force or try to be aggressive, though...

And then there's this time when I was living on a campus and this girl somehow ended up in my bed (she was drunk and missed her room) and I started kissing her a bit on her lips (not exactly french) while she slept.. and tried to 'get on top of her'. Again, I didn't try anything aggressive or intentionally deviant.

I've exposed my fears to my group about the dog... and what do you expect, some were shocked, even though some said they understand after I explained the background with the anxieties and the whole context, etc., I've told my therapist all about it and he said that this thing with the girls is really not what I make of it.

And now I feel I can't reconcile all of this with myself, I fear compulsions that I will punish myself (like call the police) or I will never have peace. I want to read a lot of self-help books, but each time I feel I'm too deviant to apply these rules to myself and that they're meant for normal people unlike me.

Can anyone in any way relate or reflect on this? Just please don't try to be too judgmental, because it affects me so hard, it's living hell...

 

[Twylight]

we've all done things we're not proud of

Sometimes it helps to talk about them

But whatever time I spend looking into my past deprives me of looking into the future

 

[nickh]

Guilt is an absolute destroyer as far as MH issues go allen. Now I have done worse, if different, things in my life than those you describe and yes they are haunting. It would be absurd for me to suggest how you 'work past' the problem as that is going to be a different and individual solution for everyone. Different psychological approaches would suggest different solutions. You certainly have a lot of courage if you discuss these issues in a group which I am pretty sure I couldn't do. I can't offer any simple 'cure' - but it is very important to keep trying to find a way of reducing the feelings of guilt because as I said at the start these are very damaging. My suggestion would be to keep on working at it with your therapist and to work hard on forgiving yourself. Even as I say it I know it sounds like a platitude because I have been doing this for years and am still far from success - but I am a lot better than I was, so there is hope .

Best,

Nick.

 

[Dollit]

I've just noticed this - we mature at different stages through our lives and see our actions differently as we go through the stages of maturity. There isn't a child alive that hasn't been inconsiderate to an animal at some stage - even if it is "just" burning ants through a magnifier - it's part of childhood curiosity and learning. But when we look back we see childish acts through the eyes of an adult.

And girls press themselves against boys from time to time believe me. As you adults we all do things of any nature that are bad judgement calls. Learn and move on - that's all any of us can do.

 

['The One']

Hi Allen

Hi Allen, we all appear to have things which we regret and yours seem to eat into you. I understand some of what you mean. I would say it's mostly up to you, although a therapist can help. You may have to think hard about what will rid you of this guilt. Most of what you say is bound to get to you, but you have to think of what will rid you of it, which I'm sure you have done, but as I am right now, that's all I can say. I have issues myself you see.

Good Luck