A
allen
New member
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2008
- Messages
- 4
Hi,
I'm not exactly what's wrong with me, even though it's supposed to be OCD, but I deviate from classic OCD by large. However, I am always drowned by anxieties.. and sometimes depressed and feeling hopeless.
The things with which I deal are matters of the past, things that I feel I've done wrong and have gone unpunished.. I have fears that I feel that if I would expose my wrongdoings, people would judge me and send me off to prison.
I haven't killed anybody. But I did abandon a small dog once, years ago, when it was causing so much anxiety... I was aggressive to a cat that was lost and we took it under our roof (again, there were a lot anxieties involved).
Then I remember pressing my private parts (not actual intercourse though) to a girl of my age at the beginning of puberty... in her garage. She wasn't mentally retarded, but she had some slight speech problems and perhaps wasn't as smart as the rest of her generation.. maybe she would've resisted otherwise. I didn't force or try to be aggressive, though...
And then there's this time when I was living on a campus and this girl somehow ended up in my bed (she was drunk and missed her room) and I started kissing her a bit on her lips (not exactly french) while she slept.. and tried to 'get on top of her'. Again, I didn't try anything aggressive or intentionally deviant.
I've exposed my fears to my group about the dog... and what do you expect, some were shocked, even though some said they understand after I explained the background with the anxieties and the whole context, etc., I've told my therapist all about it and he said that this thing with the girls is really not what I make of it.
And now I feel I can't reconcile all of this with myself, I fear compulsions that I will punish myself (like call the police) or I will never have peace. I want to read a lot of self-help books, but each time I feel I'm too deviant to apply these rules to myself and that they're meant for normal people unlike me.
Can anyone in any way relate or reflect on this? Just please don't try to be too judgmental, because it affects me so hard, it's living hell...
I'm not exactly what's wrong with me, even though it's supposed to be OCD, but I deviate from classic OCD by large. However, I am always drowned by anxieties.. and sometimes depressed and feeling hopeless.
The things with which I deal are matters of the past, things that I feel I've done wrong and have gone unpunished.. I have fears that I feel that if I would expose my wrongdoings, people would judge me and send me off to prison.
I haven't killed anybody. But I did abandon a small dog once, years ago, when it was causing so much anxiety... I was aggressive to a cat that was lost and we took it under our roof (again, there were a lot anxieties involved).
Then I remember pressing my private parts (not actual intercourse though) to a girl of my age at the beginning of puberty... in her garage. She wasn't mentally retarded, but she had some slight speech problems and perhaps wasn't as smart as the rest of her generation.. maybe she would've resisted otherwise. I didn't force or try to be aggressive, though...
And then there's this time when I was living on a campus and this girl somehow ended up in my bed (she was drunk and missed her room) and I started kissing her a bit on her lips (not exactly french) while she slept.. and tried to 'get on top of her'. Again, I didn't try anything aggressive or intentionally deviant.
I've exposed my fears to my group about the dog... and what do you expect, some were shocked, even though some said they understand after I explained the background with the anxieties and the whole context, etc., I've told my therapist all about it and he said that this thing with the girls is really not what I make of it.
And now I feel I can't reconcile all of this with myself, I fear compulsions that I will punish myself (like call the police) or I will never have peace. I want to read a lot of self-help books, but each time I feel I'm too deviant to apply these rules to myself and that they're meant for normal people unlike me.
Can anyone in any way relate or reflect on this? Just please don't try to be too judgmental, because it affects me so hard, it's living hell...