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Can anyone relate to my experience of psychosis?

M

myselfinwinter

Member
Joined
May 4, 2020
Messages
24
Location
U.S.A
I have never found anyone who could relate to my experience of psychosis.

Does anyone experience flashbacks and nightmares about past psychotic episodes? Does anyone ruminate the trauma when they are unable to distract themselves? Does anyone get triggered over things that remind them of past psychotic episodes? Has anyone experienced spiritual trauma as a result of psychosis?

My psychosis was at it's worst in high school, a few years ago.

*TRIGGER WARNING TRAUMA*

I don't remember much when I was at my worst because I have a lot of repressed memories. They are so repressed, that sometimes when I get triggered I remember a vague, intense pain and suffering, but I don't remember the details of it, and it is so powerful it makes me want to die.
In the beginning I thought I deserved to die. I was atheist at the time, so death would mean nonexistence. I did not think I deserved to die out of self hate- I believed killing myself would be a radical act of self love, because the pain I was going through was inhumane, it was deep and it was so brutal, that if I somehow telepathically knew that someone was going through the exact same pain as me, I would murder them so they would no longer have to suffer like I did. I was atheist because I did not want to continue living after I died. I did not want to be happy, I wanted my existence to end.
Later I believed I was dead. I realized that I had succeeded in killing myself, and I had been sent to hell. That was why there were all the thousands of dead bodies piled up and demons constantly screaming at me. I believed that I would spent eternity like this. I have never, and will never feel as hopeless as I did at that time in my life.
Has anyone had any experiences like mine? Can anyone relate?
 
N

NoOne5

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Mar 31, 2020
Messages
1,551
Location
USA
I responded to this already. :peace:
 
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