Can anyone please help? Testing in OCD?

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Ocdandme

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Joined
Oct 19, 2017
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My ocd is based on religion and not speaking certain words, or I believe I'm unforgiven, based on a bible verse.

I got an unwanted thought from ocd - something that is opposite to what i think and feel

I realised that this was out of my control - this was a tiny breakthrough

My plan now was to TRY and stop blaming myself when they come in to my head as they are not my fault and cannot be
controlled in any way.

I did a 'final' compulsion (its never a final one) and i said the opposite to the thought carefully so it would 'cancel
it out' - illogical but i just wanted to say it and feel better

This unfortunately triggered off a memory of reading someones worry online that they "feared they had spoken a bad thought under their breath but werent sure"

I immediatly thought "Well at least id never have that worry" id simply never do that, how can you not know, id never start saying it so
id never not know!

The thoughts however didnt stop there

"Is it even possible to 'speak under a breath' (a literal breath)"

So without even thinking i started to move my mouth, make a breath sound and see if it was possible to speak. It was an automatic response to the idea, and
as soon as it began i froze and thought "wow is this it??" "what am i doing!" "this would freak me out normally!"
"that soon got there just by my mind wandering" i relaxed for one moment and this happens!

I then shook it off as silly, i wasnt going to say THOSE words and i hadnt done anything, so i shrugged it off as OCD and moved on.

But this uneasy feeling still remained, thoughts and feelings like "You could just say it now" "Imagine if you did" "Its so easy to just speak"
I felt so on edge but at the same time i was trying to fight and say NO! I WONT!

Im unsure if i was moving my lips to prove or see if it was still possible at this point, but i know i didnt want to say anything wrong, i felt like i had this bully saying you could mess up...and i finally had the control and felt calm and was showing that i wouldnt! I decided not to run, just to stay and show i
couldnt be beaten this time.

I felt like it was waiting to trip me up but i didnt run away.

I then snapped back into the room out of this daydream, and was suddenly quite shocked, how my mind had got to my biggest fear so fast just because i was more relaxed.

"That was exactly the kind of thing OCD would love to take and make you doubt weather you spoke or did wrong" but im not falling for it.

I KNEW nothing happened and it was literally nothing but ocd could twist it into something so easily! it was silly though and i had done NOTHING wrong. I could
suddenly see how easy it would be for ocd to say what did u do? did you just do something? but i knew i hadnt.

CALM.

Then the thoughts started up again, new ones.

"OK SO PEOPLE GO TO JAIL FOR MURDER AND ARE ARRESTED BUT FORGIVEN?"

"BUT IF YOU SAY A CERTAIN SET OF WORDS TOGETHER YOU ARE WORSE? DOOMED? UNFORGIVEN?"

"IT CANT BE THAT EASY"

"WHAT IF YOU SAID HALF BUT NOT ALL IN THE SAME DAY IS THAT OK?"

All these thoughts flooded in and i felt uneasy yet again, like ocd was waiting to get me, waiting for me to give in.

Its almost like it was pulling me back in, making me feel unsafe...I felt uneasy with these thoughts going through my head, like I could mess up if I react wrong.

So i thought "WELL I WOULDNT RISK IT, JUST INCASE, ITS NOT WORTH IT, I COULDNT LIVE NOT KNOWING, I HAVENT SAID HALF AND I WONT" - Still being illogical and believing the fear is real.

I then had a sudden thought saying "DONT THINK IT IN FULL....ITS LIKE SPEAKING BUT INSIDE YOUR HEAD!!" and i remember my mind going silent during part of
the thought which shocked me, i was afraid to even think it again and somehow i blocked it. So right in this moment i was afraid to even THINK this sentence
let alone SPEAK it.

That was that, but suddenly i homed in on myself doing a kind of mouthing action, i dont know why, i had no desire to try and do what i feared, its like i was proving my control, but it then made me feel bad because i heard a very slight sound from my mouth doing the mouthing action and it suddenly felt real...i suddenly doubted myself slightly, i knew at this point i hadnt said anything....but there was actually a tiny noise to doubt...so to save me worrying later i replayed it in my mind to be sure it was ok and it was. I was safe. I had to replay it there and then as i knew later on in the evening
i would have been asking myself what happened?! did i mess up?

Then it all hit me, what if i wasnt sure then? i could have messed up! im SO lucky i know its ok! i could have ended up with the very thing i fear! Just be glad you didnt mess up, youre still ok, youre still on the winning side (You know you havent spoken that line, no matter how close it felt during those
moments of being relaxed and confident)

I felt so wreckless..and made a decision to get away from it whilst i was still safe, i hadnt messed up, i was ok, i needed to block these thoughts and not fight them anymore because it was trying to make me doubt myself and cause a problem. By testing myself or trying to stand up to it and prove to ocd i wouldnt do it, it made me then think i was trying to act out in some way, to give in to an unwanted urge, and it just causes more doubt guilt and shame.

I decided in those moments to not run, face it, prove i was ok, but ocd didnt like this. My logical thinking couldnt last.

I moved away, cleared my mind and continued with my food.

The first sound and feeling of breath and the noise of a breathy exhale and i freak, ive done it! i must have! what have i done i wasnt checking! what if it slipped out! it cant have! but what if! doubt doubt doubt foggy doubt.

I felt the doubt being built up second after second, i had not chosen to speak i just didnt watch my exact mouth movements because i wanted to stop
this testing , be more safe, avoid and run away from the fear like always.

OCD WINS IF I BOTH FIGHT AND IGNORE IT.

If i face my fear i then question my motives and wonder why it felt like i was close to acting, (ie - did i want to? did i do it to be bad? why did i
do this? etc)

If i block the thoughts and use distraction to get away from the ocd...it finds a way to make me question my movements and unconcious actions.

I cannot live freely either way.

It just can't believe I've ended up this way. It's the last thing I'd ever want, I literally felt it taking over and it wouldn't stop until I felt like I'd failed.

Can anyone else relate to feeling like they faced their fear or tested it and then freaked out and ended up super guilty and ashamed?
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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hello and welcome
Ocdandme
Gosh what religion is that then? we live in a fallen world and its not God that gives this to us . it is our fallen nature.
 
O

Ocdandme

New member
Joined
Oct 19, 2017
Messages
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I want to focus on the ocd part not the subject as it just worries me more.
 

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