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Can Anyone help....?

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Elysium

New member
Joined
Jun 20, 2008
Messages
3
Hi.

I'm new to the forum and just really wanted to chat to likeminded people. I have been diagnosed with OCD. I strongly suspect I have depression and ADD and have read up on the above. I also suspect I have an eating disorder as I have always been overweight and have always binge and comfort eaten I have received CBT for the OCD and was on antidepressants for nearly 2 years, but came off them about a year or so ago because I felt a bit better, and as I was due to start a new course I thought "new start" etc. I have also received private counselling over the years in fits and starts, and am currently undergoing this. I was physically and mentally abused by my father as a child and was again physically and mentally bullied up to the age of 18 at school. My parents split up when I was 12.

I have had opportunities in my life yes; I am a graduate and have just completed a teacher-training course. However, the accreditation of my teaching award itself hangs in the balance because of a dispute with the university I attended.

I still live with my mother as I have never been able to commit to a job long enough to be independently financially stable. I have worked for most of the time since I was 18 in various sectors; retail, office work, charity work. I also did voluntary work when I was younger.

I have what can only be described as a "social phobia". I am fearful of people and situations, and spend my whole life walking on eggshells so that I don't upset people and thus spend ages agonising over why I upset them and feeling bad.

I don't feel that my mother understands my situation at all and I get the impression she just thinks i'm "being lazy" and "workshy", especially as my (now deceased) father was. (Although I am certain he had the same problems as I have). Money is very tight and she relies on me to contribute. I understand this, but I have told her to i'm blue in the face that it's not that i don't want to work, it's that I can't (because of my issues). She just sees the monetary side, and expects me to go out and find a job. Benefits are not really an option as they would not pay enough. I have been told by her that unless I contribute we will both be homeless soon.

I have tried all I can; I sought the help of a counsellor again, which as I have said before I am currently attending. My mother even attended with me, but it turned into more of an accusation match than anything. I have even seriously contemplated setting up my own business so that I could bring in the much needed income, whilst avoiding the social "issue". This however, takes time, and capital. I am going to go back to the doctor to see if I can go back onto the antidepressants. I am wary however, because I know just how drowsy they made me before.

My mind flits from one thing to another; I cannot concentrate on anything and become bored so easily. I have no interest in anything. All I want to do is sleep; because there I do not have to deal with all the c**p going on. I am always bursting into tears which just invites "hard" comments such as "what you crying for??" from my mother.

My mother and I are at loggerheads; we used to be so close, but now that's gone. I also feel I cannot forgive her for not believing me and my condition; especially as it has gone on for so long now. My father, as I said before, has passed away, and we were never close anyway because of the abuse I suffered as a child. I have no brothers or sisiters. I have friends yes, and one or two I have had for life. They do not know about my conditions as I put up the "facade" so common with mental health issues. I am afraid that if I told them then I would lose them too.

I so want to sort all this out; to lead a "normal" life. There is a history of mental illness on my father's side and my relatives there; (who I have nothing to do with beacuse of a dispute over my father's funeral), are all signed off with mental illness. I do not want that kind of life. I want to be successful; which I believe I can be - if only I can get the support I need.

At the moment I feel isolated and incredibly lonely.

I am sorry if this sounds like a sob-story; it is not meant as one - it's literally how I feel.
Also sorry it's so long.

I just wondered if anyone could offer me any advice?

Thanks
 
Eleison

Eleison

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 21, 2008
Messages
808
Location
London
I'm not sure that I have any advice. But I too was emotionally and physically abused - at school and home. I also did teacher training - which so totally wasn't my calling, and I struggled through 12 years of teaching before I found my niche in the library service... Like you, I have social anxiety, as the result of bullying and such.

It sounds like you're working really hard to build a life for yourself. I know this isn't easy with these kind of difficulties and this kind of past. Remember that you can do and believe what you want, for you. You don't have to answer to your family or bullies any more.
 
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Dollit

Guest
Well it is a long post and there's a lot of stuff there. Any post like this I read I say the same thing and that is don't try and tackle everything at once. Too much for you to do and you'll only end up feeling worse. Talk to your GP about a different brand of antid - not all of them will make you drowsy. Keep on with the counselling. Think, but only think, if you could cope with part time work better.

Families often don't understand. My mum doesn't understand how I can sit in the same chair and clothes for days at a time when I'm deeply depressed. This is largely due to the fact she thinks she gets depressed and she doesn't. I have had to learn to let it wash over me.

Benefits aren't very much but they can considerably help with reduction of council tax in some cases (which can lighten the load) and they give you some income. Also if you are on income support that gives you the gateway to free prescriptions, eye care etc. It really is worth thinking about.

And before I forget, welcome.
 
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Twylight

Guest
Hi Elysium, yes I would cerainly go down the ' benefits ' road, if only short term, untill your feeling better.

I work part time as a volunteer electrician, which I enjoy, but I've tried working full time a few times and it's too much.
I've had OCD for 30 years and i've learnt to live with it - it's really annoying worrying if I've switched off the fire or the cooker - lately i've become stronger, and I say to myself - if i've left anything switched on - it's too bad and I think about something else.

I often feel like doin' nothing, but I force myself to read at least one chapter of a book everday and it gives me something to think about.
 
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