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Can anybody help me, please?

L

littlepixiez

Member
Joined
Feb 25, 2010
Messages
10
Can anybody help me, please?

I've recently discovered I definitely have depersonalisation and derealisation, as to which I'm coping with okay after buying a self-help book and realise I'm not goin to just randomly disappear

But once that goes away, everything goes crazy and I kind of miss feeling a bit distant. The other day I felt more real, and instantly didn't see the point because if I felt more real, when reality gets ripped away from me (at night, or in death) I've got more to lose.

I feel helpless, worry so much, I want to cry because I have feelings of dread. I don't feel secure or comfortable in myself or the world. I don't want to go insane.

These are symptoms I have that constantly reoccur for me (sometimes monthly)
-I get depressed for no reason (I have a good life, but I just am sad because I always feel like I'm at a sense of loss)
-I can't sleep or try not to because I'm scared of not waking up, even if I'm exhausted
-I'm frustrated and hopeless because I can't control the negative thoughts
-I'm angry at pretty much everything
-I trust noone, sometimes I don't consciously recognise people I love
-I see everything that I used to enjoy and strive towards, pointless
-I don't see the point in eating but force myself to
-I used to be able to push through these bad moods but now I just want to put my head between my knees and cry/scream
-When I have moments of feeling better, I feel like I've been put on Earth to save the evils of humanity or do something important and can't focus on things that seem to not matter in the big scheme of things
-When I feel happy, I get really hyper and want to use this "happy time" to the best of it's ability by talking to lots of people about how we all have so much to achieve
-I get bursts of energy which I can't control - sometimes it just explodes until I feel a sense of calm / numbness
-I generally talk very, very fast to people and am hyper-active and have odd views on things
-I feel important and think I am figuring out the meaning of life (but, I am a Pagan and so believe in spirituality so...)
-I tend to get atleast one high episode every month
-I feel guilty about talking about my issues and don't think I'm worth the trouble
-I am trapped by my moods

BUT.. I am highly intelligent, and can force myself to act normal around people because I know what people want from you (unless it's really bad, when I have to avoid social situations or just not talk). Sometimes, when things get really bad, I want to smash things, scream and run around but stop myself as this would be weird.

Please can anyone help me. I'm 18 years old, but I can't put this down to teenage hormones - I can't CONTROL it anymore. I've tried changing my contraceptive pill to improve things, tried self-help books.. I'm seeing my university counseller, but when I see him I'm highly talkative, cry a lot but tend to joke about everything. He doesn't see the possibility of bipolar disorder because I seem too "in tune". I've got a doctors appointment on Monday, he's ruled out any physical illness from blood tests - but I need him to help me. I can't just keep ignoring it when I feel normal, because it comes back without a doubt.

But I just don't know. See now, I'm very depressed but hyperactive so typing fast. I can't do university work with this energy though, I just can't.

There is ALWAYS an underlying mood of absolute doom. :( I want it to go away.

Sorry about the long paragraph... But please, if anyone feels similar.. please help me. I am a happy person. I'm really academic. I can't let this ruin my life.

Thanks very much.
 
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