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Can’t I just feel normal?

K

kristijacklyn

New member
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
1
Location
USA
It seems like my life is progressing, and I’m just sitting back & watching it all happen, not involved, not helping, just here, behind the curtain watching. But it’s me, it’s my voice I hear talking to people and my peppy little happy tone... but it’s also not ME. I feel like I have been in someone else’s skin for a long time. My depression and anxiety have been with me my whole life, I can think of examples from childhood. But it’s really flared up at times, mostly within the past 5 years. (I’m 25). And this past year... oh man. Every day, there’s a battle in my head so hard that even if I’m not doing anything physical, I’m exhausted. I’m tired & defeated, don’t want to try anything because it’s a waste of my time if it too, doesn’t work. I think of the worse possible things always. I look at people and want to be them, to be free of this fucking jail in my mind. I want to walk without the weight of the world on my back. I feel as though there is an entire galaxy within me, and that whole galaxy is just confused. Sometimes I feel like I’m shaking, but inside, not on the outside.
I plan to do things I love sometimes, really hype them up in my head and when it comes time to do them, I’m gritting my teeth wondering why I can’t just relax into it and enjoy it. I smoke weed every day just because I’m scared to face my thoughts. I’m scared to be myself, I don’t even know who that is right now. I’m going through the motions.
I’m a girlfriend, a daughter, a friend. But am I? I act like one. I act normal. Inside, I’m sick. I vomit some mornings after lying in bed for hours because I can’t handle my thoughts. I think about death every single day, not about suicide really, but just fearing it for me and my loved ones. I want to feel secure and ok, not like I’m on the verge of a heart attack every minute. I berate myself, put myself down, eat too much, eat too little, lay on the couch all day sometimes, plan to be productive but then fail, pull myself together so I look normal to the world. I just want to be better.
 
R

Roo

Member
Joined
May 10, 2019
Messages
17
Location
UK
I honestly don’t have an answer, I’ve been searching for the answers my whole life and o too are very jealous of the “normal” people that have themselves and life all figured out. My mind feels like an empty scrabble board and a bag or scrabble letters.
I totally understand when you say you don’t feel like the skin your in is you. I’ve never really figured out where this comes from or when it really started. ...that’s a lie I do... I think we try to change the way we are, who we are and how we act to get away from the person that you once were. I always use to use recreational drugs to escape my own mind because that’s the only way I could survive....
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
44,305
Location
Lancashire
:welcome: to the forum. That is such a clear explanation of how you feel and I understand. Its so hard some days and we just survive not live. Are you getting anything to help you? I am on a cocktail of meds which are finally working for me. I don't believe they are the only thing to help us but they are important as a stepping stone in recovery.

Have you ever had any therapy? I tried several types and eventually found it worked to help me rebuild my life into something that was better. But its a long journey which can be daunting and frightening. I feel for you.
 
E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
1,880
Location
USA
It seems like my life is progressing, and I’m just sitting back & watching it all happen, not involved, not helping, just here, behind the curtain watching. But it’s me, it’s my voice I hear talking to people and my peppy little happy tone... but it’s also not ME. I feel like I have been in someone else’s skin for a long time. My depression and anxiety have been with me my whole life, I can think of examples from childhood. But it’s really flared up at times, mostly within the past 5 years. (I’m 25). And this past year... oh man. Every day, there’s a battle in my head so hard that even if I’m not doing anything physical, I’m exhausted. I’m tired & defeated, don’t want to try anything because it’s a waste of my time if it too, doesn’t work. I think of the worse possible things always. I look at people and want to be them, to be free of this fucking jail in my mind. I want to walk without the weight of the world on my back. I feel as though there is an entire galaxy within me, and that whole galaxy is just confused. Sometimes I feel like I’m shaking, but inside, not on the outside.
I plan to do things I love sometimes, really hype them up in my head and when it comes time to do them, I’m gritting my teeth wondering why I can’t just relax into it and enjoy it. I smoke weed every day just because I’m scared to face my thoughts. I’m scared to be myself, I don’t even know who that is right now. I’m going through the motions.
I’m a girlfriend, a daughter, a friend. But am I? I act like one. I act normal. Inside, I’m sick. I vomit some mornings after lying in bed for hours because I can’t handle my thoughts. I think about death every single day, not about suicide really, but just fearing it for me and my loved ones. I want to feel secure and ok, not like I’m on the verge of a heart attack every minute. I berate myself, put myself down, eat too much, eat too little, lay on the couch all day sometimes, plan to be productive but then fail, pull myself together so I look normal to the world. I just want to be better.
Hey! I’m the same age as you ☺ And the past couple years were similar for me! It’s getting better now, hang in there.

Agreed, are you being treated in any way? Don’t worry, your mind is just playing tricks on you. You’re still you in there. You can get back to feeling normal.
 
C

Coolname

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2019
Messages
222
Location
UK
It seems like my life is progressing, and I’m just sitting back & watching it all happen, not involved, not helping, just here, behind the curtain watching. But it’s me, it’s my voice I hear talking to people and my peppy little happy tone... but it’s also not ME. I feel like I have been in someone else’s skin for a long time. My depression and anxiety have been with me my whole life, I can think of examples from childhood. But it’s really flared up at times, mostly within the past 5 years. (I’m 25). And this past year... oh man. Every day, there’s a battle in my head so hard that even if I’m not doing anything physical, I’m exhausted. I’m tired & defeated, don’t want to try anything because it’s a waste of my time if it too, doesn’t work. I think of the worse possible things always. I look at people and want to be them, to be free of this fucking jail in my mind. I want to walk without the weight of the world on my back. I feel as though there is an entire galaxy within me, and that whole galaxy is just confused. Sometimes I feel like I’m shaking, but inside, not on the outside.
I plan to do things I love sometimes, really hype them up in my head and when it comes time to do them, I’m gritting my teeth wondering why I can’t just relax into it and enjoy it. I smoke weed every day just because I’m scared to face my thoughts. I’m scared to be myself, I don’t even know who that is right now. I’m going through the motions.
I’m a girlfriend, a daughter, a friend. But am I? I act like one. I act normal. Inside, I’m sick. I vomit some mornings after lying in bed for hours because I can’t handle my thoughts. I think about death every single day, not about suicide really, but just fearing it for me and my loved ones. I want to feel secure and ok, not like I’m on the verge of a heart attack every minute. I berate myself, put myself down, eat too much, eat too little, lay on the couch all day sometimes, plan to be productive but then fail, pull myself together so I look normal to the world. I just want to be better.

It is so hard and you are so strong for coping. You are not alone
x
 
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