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Can´t talk to anyone, not even my parents

T

tigerclaw

New member
Joined
Jul 6, 2020
Messages
3
Location
England
Hey, I´m new here, I hope anyone can help me or share similiar experiences.

I´m 19 and can´t talk to ANY human being, not even my mother or my aunts, let alone people my age. When I talk to my mother, I feel very tense and I don´t know what to do. I feel uncomftorable sitting like that or there, I don´t want to say anything, I can´t listen properly. When she tells me something, I can´t listen, I´m just thinking about when to nod or how I look and that she totally notices how weird I am and I expect her any second to say ´What´s wrong with you?´ I think, she notices, I don´t know.

When I was about 10, I was heavily bullied (with death threats and that I should kill myself) and then, bc. I lost all confidence, I was bullied at 12 and so shy and awkward that I didn´t have any friends till today. During school breaks, I walked around by myself, and in classes 10 - 12 ALL my classmates gossiped about me, invited EVERYONE, every single one in the class to parties etc., except for me.

I had a psychologist for 2 years, but it didn´t help. I watch confidence videos every single day, I do positive self talk, I love myself, my traits, everything, I medidate daily to gain confidence and reflect, but when I´m in any social situation, I´m just paralysed. And I curse every time someone wants to talk to me and want to go back to being alone because this feeling is so terrible that honestly, I thought about killing myself. It´s so horrible. And the worst part - I think about the fact that someday my family won´t be there anymore, but when they were, I just wasn´t able to connect with them because of those stupid psychological problems (even tho my parents LOVE me)

I don´t see any way out. I don´t know what this is, this must be worse than social anxiety, I really don´t know. What can I do? (PS: I put myself out there, I was living in a flat with roomates, I went to clubs, I talked to people, but NO MATTER HOW much I go out and talk to people, this feeling doesn´t go away)
 
lyesander

lyesander

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Jul 4, 2020
Messages
156
Location
USA
If you were going out to clubs, it may be a case of too much, too soon. I would have said start small and work your way up, clubs can be crazy overstimulating. I'd be a little paralyzed just by how much is going on.

That said, I think it would be worth getting a counselor again. Could be you just didn't mesh with your previous psychologist - I've definitely had to "shop around" for a good fit. At one point I had a therapist tell me a good way to deal with my eating disorder would be to go on a "smoothie only" diet. Like, yikes, no thank you. Who says that? My point is, counselors aren't one size fits all.

It's hard opening up to your family but I'd also see if you can find time to open up to your mom about some of these fears. It's awkward talking to a parent about all the gross mental health gunk you're going through, but having someone in your household who understands what you're going through will be an invaluable resource.

It may also be worth seeking out a psychiatrist for med consultation. Meds are game changers for a lot of people.
 
T

tigerclaw

New member
Joined
Jul 6, 2020
Messages
3
Location
England
Hey there, thanks for your advise. Zour psychiatrists idea with a smoothie diet is just..Wow. Makes you think :D

I considered searching for a new psychiatrist or to go to a psychiarty full time, actually. Its just, I wanted to go to university this year, as I was already accepted by my dream uni and, in all honesty, I dont want to throw this opportunity away `just` for these annoying problems, they impact my life enough already

And its so scary to tell my mum about these problems. She knows about the bullying, but she always thought it was nothing, its scary..

Do you think this is social anxiey, because it feels like something bigger. Its not going to clubs Im afraid of, I went there a lot of times, but people always sense my insecurity and dont want to do anything with me, like my roomates. And I dont need friends or anything, or people that dont like me, I just want to be able to talk without this paralyzing feeling.
 
lyesander

lyesander

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jul 4, 2020
Messages
156
Location
USA
Social anxiety can be incredibly debilitating, and what you've described rings all the notes. I'd do additional research, but this really does sound like a textbook case.

Luckily universities usually offer free counseling and mental health services. You honestly may be in a better position to seek professional treatment at your university than at home. I'd look into it. There's usually an online information portal or something you can look up. Balancing your future goals and ambitions is also part of mental health, so if you don't want to put it off, that's going to be entirely up to you.

It is scary, but also, think about it: you've kept years of trauma bundled up tightly within you until adulthood, with no outlet and no means of communicating it with the people who are supposed to protect you. No wonder you have anxiety, I would be surprised if you didn't. Telling your mom is a way to release some of that pressure. Even if she can't help, at least there will be someone outside of yourself who will know.

If it helps, write it out on paper and let her read what you want to say. It takes the pressure off of you having to articulate what you want to say in the moment.

If you want to talk about what you're going through, you've definitely come to the right place. This is a very friendly environment. I think the fact it's online and anonymous makes it a lot less intimidating, and it can be a wonderful part of your support network.
 
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