Buried my father a week ago, last Sunday

Seachad

Seachad

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 13, 2018
Messages
516
Location
Central Florida
#1
I'm back in Florida, after flying up North to bury my father.

He was in Hospice for quite a while. It was quite a difficult time. He created a perfect TV family, with his third wife's kids and grandkids. Meanwhile, he abused me all my life, physically, verbally, and emotionally. When his parents got too old and feeble to protect themselves from him, he abused them, as well. He kept the two families apart, so much as he could, and lied, cheated, conned...it was ugly. He spun all sorts of paranoid fantasies to them, apparently, about what I'd do after he died, painting me as some sort of vengeful, jealous, hateful, monster who'd try to hurt them and telling them what they could and might have to do to protect themselves from me. He couldn't imagine me as anything but the sort of person he'd be if someone'd done the things to him that he'd done to me all my life.

Thing is, it's not their fault he treated them so well and lovingly. They're good people. Once we figured out that the cause of all the tension and such was actually him, we bonded. We actually like each other. Hell, my step-nephew and I stood with our arms around each other, crying, while watching the earth thunder down from the bed of the dump truck into the grave when they buried my dad. The step-nephew and I had bonded the night before over a flight of really good whiskey. He's a good kid. I like him. They all knew my dad as a saint, who was always loving, compassionate, and supportive. They never knew the violent, vicious, abusive drunk who I constantly lived in fear of. Who'd abandon me as a child and leave me alone in the house, hungry and afraid, while he was out drinking and getting laid, after having forbidden me from leaving the house or telling anyone I was alone -- that if I did, the police would come, take me away, and prevent me from ever seeing my grandparents (whom I loved) ever again. They never knew the man who'd sit, sweaty and stinking drunk, in his underwear (for some reason that had nothing to do with sex, but always in his underwear) and berate me for hours, telling me that I was responsible for ruining his life, and listing an endless monologue of things I'd supposedly done, maliciously, to him, simply by just being born. All because he couldn't take responsibility for his own mistakes and flaws. It couldn't be his fault, so it had to be someone else's. It had to be mine. My birth (along with that of my late twin's) was a malicious, intentional, vicious act on my (our) part, with the express intent of ruining his life, and depriving him of the glorious future he'd fantasized for himself. He was going to be a rich, respected lawyer, with money, power, and influence, and I (we) had deprived him of all that in an inexcusable act of malice. Simply by being born. I'd (we'd) ruined his life, intentionally, and he was going to punish me (at least my brother had the grace to die after a week,) by making my life a living hell in retaliation for what I'd done to him.

Of course it was ridiculous. It made no sense whatever. But it was that or face his own shortcomings and take responsibility for his own failures. Anything but that. So it was my fault. I was responsible. I'd done unto him, maliciously, on purpose, and I had to pay for it. And he made me pay, for something I was innocent of, for my entire life.

It was harder'n hell, to sit and listen to them praise him, and talk about how wonderful he was, and how he'd always been there for them, helped them whenever they needed it, flown them home on holidays to visit him and my stepmother at their expense (my ex-wife and I never got help, and only got berated that we couldn't afford to fly back. And we never were invited back for the holidays. We were told they weren't going to celebrate them.) I found my grandparents' wills in his files. Found out how he'd cheated me regarding my inheritances from both of them. He'd disowned my two half-brothers, and lied to the family, telling us they weren't really his. Yeah, they were. I called the one I could track down, after the burial. He hung-up the 'phone without speaking to me. Likely saw the Caller-ID info. I'll respect his wishes. After the way dad treated him, I wouldn't want anything to do with anyone holding our surname either.

Dad told them that all his blood relatives, save me, had died. They hadn't. He simply didn't want any of them showing up and mentioning anything embarrassing from his past. Like drunkenness, jail, abuse, that sort of thing. So he simply told them everyone was dead. I told them about the burial (he'd adamantly insisted he didn't want a funeral) but few of them could make it on the short notice.

So, I'm back in Florida. Lots of stuff -- including much that he'd told me he'd destroyed or thrown-out (because I wanted it and he wanted to hurt me by saying it was gone) is being shipped down. There was simply too much to go through and too little time. There was some money left -- Not a lot, but if I'm frugal, I may be able to retire when I can no longer work. The one important thing is that he can no longer hurt me. And his other family and I are going to keep in touch, which is nice. They're good people. I'm even starting to get back into touch with my blood family, which he mostly cut me off from, by various methods.

He was abusive and mean as hell to me. Nonetheless, he was my dad, and I couldn't help loving him. Twisted as all that is. It's a lot to process. Meanwhile, I'm slogging through all the estate paperwork and getting all the loose ends tied-up. But the thought keeps returning to me that he can't hurt me anymore. And that's a very, very good thing indeed.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2015
Messages
8,990
Location
basketville
#2
Hello Seachad what an amazing person you are inspite of it all you don’t sound bitter. You sound like you have a lot of inner strength and resolve and I am sad and sorry that you had such a dad like yours was.

I do hope that things continue to improve for you
 
B

BrokenToy

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2018
Messages
1,312
Location
Antrim Coast, Ireland
#4
Seachad that's a lot to deal with. I wish you the best of luck moving forward and hopefully with new family relationships too.