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Bumbling Along

S

Summerof76

Active member
Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
33
Location
Wales, UK
I have stopped trying to define my life by Good and Bad days. In fact, I have tried to stop defining anything with the labels of Good and Bad, and stick to 'Just is'. Sometimes, life just is.
It is the moment.
It is the ups and downs.
It is what it is.

Some days, I can grab a handle on this tumultuous mess of a mind, I posses. And I learn to love it.
Some days, I could happy smash it's warped reasoning in to oblivion.

Today, I escaped the workplace bullying through a transfer to another office. Closer to home, I'll be able to pop back to socially desensitise at lunchtime and I don't have to deal with packed trains anymore. Nevertheless, despite my obvious relief, I'm racked with guilt and foreboding that my issues at work have damaged any chance of a permanent position. I'm only on a contract until February and since I started, I've made a complaint against one of my team (who made a counter complaint about me! The whole story is actually hilarious.); exposed my Supervisors lack of management abilities and nepotism AND had to have time off work for stress and an Autism test!

My latest 'issue' was a lack of funds to actually get to work. I'm a single-parent and have been trying to fund my son at college. I'm in the UK and was getting help from Tax Credits, but they stopped (he reached 19) and we have been trying to live off my mediocre wages for months. It got to the point, where I had to tell work "Next week, I have a choice between getting work or eating for the week". This got me the transfer- not the previous issues.

I've just been an absolute dream to work with, huh!?!

The high= I get to go back to the office I love and I don't have to travel for two hours a day. I worked there before having to move office to the city and I have buddies there. I find it difficult to connect with people, but there I seemed to fit in. There are two women in particular, who I've been out for drinks with a couple of times and they're genuinely lovely people.
The low= I can't believe this, but I feel guilty for leaving the other office! There were two people there that I liked (not as much as the two I'm going back to though!) and I feel as if I've been pussyfooted around- as if perhaps I got special treatment, because they think I'm delicate. I work bloody hard and I'm always above my hours by at least 2- even with the 2 trains journey- but I feel as if I've been a troublemaker. Or at least, that's how I'm viewed.

There's also been some more good news today- my son got a job.
It gives us a bit of relief financially, but as with any 'good' there's reasoning.
I don't want him to drop out of college and the hours of the new job may mean he's walking home at 11pm or working nights. As a mother, I'm getting the rush of "He's too young for all this!".
He's not. He's technically a man now and by his age, I'd been working full time for nearly 4 years, doing all sorts of hours in factories or pubs and nightclubs. But I still don't like it. I don't want him caught up in the rat race too soon- he'll have another 50 years in it (give or take).

But the lows can't be my focus.
Yet I can't get caught up in the highs.

So I remind myself to bumble.
 
JuliaW54

JuliaW54

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
139
Location
UK
Nothing wrong with a good bumble! You sound like a caring mum, but your son will be fine. Let him have his independence and job. He has you to come home to. Good luck with your new job nearer home. It will all work out
 
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