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Brother died by suicide.

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SadSister

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Mar 31, 2015
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I'm not sure which forum I belong to. I am seeing a psychiatrist, I'm on meds (too much I think but not enough sometimes). I have PTSD, anxiety, clinical depression and personality disorder.

Since my brother died by suicide two years ago, I have been getting nightmares, I'm extremely sad and wish I was dead also, but I won't kill myself because I know how much it hurts to lose a loved one by suicide since I'm the only live sibling, I feel this huge responsibility to take care of my parents. My dad is dying of liver disease (caused by alcoholism). Don't get me wrong, I don't drink alcohol because it makes me sick. My anxiety is so bad that my heart hurts.

How do I cope with this pain. I cry everyday. I just want to be with my brother. Life is so difficult.
 
calypso

calypso

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Hello SadSister and :welcome: to the forum. That is one of the toughest things to cope with, suicide. My husband died of alcoholism, so I really understand that one - and its horrible. I loved him more than life, but nothing could stop him, no matter what. And that helplessness, that is the killer emotion.

I think that is the key though, helplessness. You just want to do something, anything, to make it all right. You can't and that curdles your insides, doesn't it? I too know how hard it is to go on living, and I know that staying alive for our families is the only thing which keeps us going, and that is hard too.

You are still in grief, deep grief. Suicide takes so much longer to grieve for too. But whatever was in your brother's head when he did it, isn't you. You are different and you can offer so much to this life. On my darkest days, and I get terrible ones, I remember that life is very short anyway, so I might as well stay alive.

Back in 2012, I nearly died from a suicide attempt, and only then realised just how many people were devastated at the thought of me dying. Even though staying alive for others is not ideal at all, I don't want to ever put them through that again. So that left me with a dilemma. Do I just live for others? Or do I find something else, for me, to create life again. If suicide is out of the question, then it can, eventually, free us up to use this thing called life for something better.

Have you managed to contact any of the grief agencies to help you. I contacted CRUSE and I was astonished at how good they were. They don't give the usual platitudes and came up with ways to help me through I would never, ever, have thought about. I strongly advocate them. They also help with the impending death of your father. Try Homepage | Cruse Bereavement Care

Don't think about your diagnoses. They aren't really helping here, you need time to grieve and express that fully, and CRUSE really help. My heart goes out to you. xxx
 
Diesel1988

Diesel1988

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2015
Messages
50
I'm not sure which forum I belong to. I am seeing a psychiatrist, I'm on meds (too much I think but not enough sometimes). I have PTSD, anxiety, clinical depression and personality disorder.

Since my brother died by suicide two years ago, I have been getting nightmares, I'm extremely sad and wish I was dead also, but I won't kill myself because I know how much it hurts to lose a loved one by suicide since I'm the only live sibling, I feel this huge responsibility to take care of my parents. My dad is dying of liver disease (caused by alcoholism). Don't get me wrong, I don't drink alcohol because it makes me sick. My anxiety is so bad that my heart hurts.

How do I cope with this pain. I cry everyday. I just want to be with my brother. Life is so difficult.
I'm sorry to hear of your loss and the difficulties you are having. The pain you feel, shows how much you love your brother. I understand this pain, my brother froze to death a year and a couple months ago, and it doesn't seem real to me. I hope your able find a way to stay strong and to find a way that will help you cope. I am trying to find my way of coping too.
 
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swanzbiker

Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2015
Messages
12
Location
Swansea
Hello sad sister. I kind of understand your pain. My brother committed suicide in 98. It's a daily battle, all these years later. Flash backs and guilt and what ifs. Hang on in there.
 
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R

Rolandrat

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Apr 24, 2015
Messages
169
My brother also died by suicide in 1998, made me cry thinking of the pain you are in. I miss him everyday and yet have started to understand his mental torture ( he had schizophrenia) bereavement through suicide is confusing, I never felt I had the same rights as others who were grieving, I've always kept it to myself and dealt with it alone. I am now mentally unwell myself and wish I had shared the trauma in the early days. You have an opportunity, take support in both hands, talk about him when you can. Slowly the trauma memories will make way for the happier ones. Hang on in there and make contact any time you like, regards Roland
 
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