- Sep 15, 2019
- The world
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year, and it has been a long-distance relationship the entire time. We are both in our mid/late 20s, currently living on the opposite sides of the country. About three/four months into our relationship, he went through a lot of life changes. Getting out of the army (never deployed), moving to a different state, trying to look for a job. He was not adjusting very well, and this is when I started to notice changes in behavior. He would isolate himself, get easily irritated, would shut me out. He started to smoke weed but then stopped few weeks into it. He would get episodes like this for few days every few weeks. Few months of those rollercoasters and he started to talk about how he gets anxious sometimes, does not want to leave his bed, etc. I already started talking to him about getting help at that time, but he kept saying how he can deal with all of it on his own. About four months ago, it got really bad and continues to be like this. In June, I was in the same city as he, but we barely saw each other (earlier he kept saying how me coming would make everything better). He didn’t want to leave the house, see me. He started smoking again, ate junk, and stopped working out. I tried to get him out of the house, bring him some healthy foods. I tried to be a supportive partner and even called VA therapists few times to get advice. I read tons of articles on depression and anxiety. In July, I went back to my side of the country and continued to check in on him, always telling him that I am here for him, how much I care about him, etc. At the end of July, he told me to focus on myself more (he knows I worry a lot) and that he will work on himself and reach out back when he is back to his old self. He also hoped that going to see his family in August would help (they live in a different country). Once he told me to focus on myself more, we basically stopped communicating. I wanted to give him the space he requested. He went to see his family, came back few days ago, and it did change anything. It is mid-September and we have spoken maybe three or four times since late July. I let him come to me first, but he just stops responding. Then a week later texts me again, only to stop responding. He also has continuously refused to get help. Actually, he mentioned few times that he would but never did. I ended up getting a therapist to help myself. At this point, I am doubting everything. We have been together for 12 months but four out of those have been awful. It feels like we are not in a relationship. Part of me even thinks that he thinks we are done, that he got tired of me, decided he didn’t want to be in this relationship. Even though before he got that bad, we had talked about me moving to his side of the country in May (I will be graduating from grad school). We would talk about moving in together and all the things we could do if we were in the same place. But that was months ago. I feel like I have tried everything. I’ve been supportive, there for him, always telling him how much I value and care for him. I tried straight forward approaches with therapy and then just being there for him, without mentioning it. My therapist tells me to say that either he gets help or we cannot be in this relationship any longer. When he talks about therapy, he automatically thinks he would be prescribed meds. And when I try to ease him into the idea of it, talking about CBT, and other non-meds methods, he says he doesn’t want to talk to anyone. I am pretty much the only person he has talked to about this but now he doesn’t even want to speak to me. And yes, I have talked to him about how important it is for us to communicate, I have told him that this has an impact on me as well. I think it may be time to leave. I want to be there for him, but he has to take some actions too. I know he has tried eating healthier, tried to work out a little, but he also went back to smoking weed for few weeks in June. All he says is that weed helps the process, he needs time, and refuses professional help. It’s basically a waiting game.