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Breaking point with all types of OCD.

A

alphacharlie1

Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2019
Messages
14
Location
Sheffield
Hi, I am 21 and a student. I have been dealing with general anxiety for around 2 years, until last summer when I started to get intrusive thoughts quite often. I then went to back to university for my third year, and was living with strangers and so isolated myself in my room. My girlfriend also moved away for a 1 year masters, which I thought I’d be ok with. From September to January there was good weeks and bad weeks and I was seeing someone regularly (not therapy) just to open up with, and I was understanding anxiety and practising meditation.

Since January I’ve gone really downhill, since searching the internet and finding other types of OCD my mind has fixated on them the most and I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Originally it was HOCD triggered by people in the street or seeing faces, uncomfortable but easily reassured when i saw my girlfriend or other things. Around 3 weeks ago i was researching OCD (as you do) and came across POCD (paedophilia ocd), since then it’s completely took over my head, I feel guilty constantly, I can’t look at any news articles or TV if there is crime involved because I just feel like one day these thoughts will make me do something and that will be my life ruined. It’s making me double-think about memories in the past and how I have behaved. On top of this, I’m also triggered by suicide stories, I often think how has this person got into such a state, surely they are like me??

I barely go out now, I stay at home with my family because I feel safer than at university. It’s as though I don’t trust myself. With the HOCD it’s not illegal so it’s less intense and easily proven wrong, but the other types of ocd (POCD, suicidal ocd etc) are illegal and they’re eating me up thinking that one day I’m just going to ‘give in’ and commit these horrible thoughts that aren’t me!!

I have given up with the NHS 40 week long CBT waiting list, and think I’m going to go via the private route. With that, I’m not optimistic at the moment that it will help me, but I assume that’s just me not truly believing my thoughts aren’t real. I just want my life back, I just want the old me back. I don’t actually think about doing these horrible things often, I just have a fear of doing/liking them again things. My head tells me that it’s like a guilty pleasure or something and I just want it to stop, I don’t want these thoughts and I just want to get on with my life.
 
Y

Yodagirl

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
626
Location
Georgia USA
Hi, I am 21 and a student. I have been dealing with general anxiety for around 2 years, until last summer when I started to get intrusive thoughts quite often. I then went to back to university for my third year, and was living with strangers and so isolated myself in my room. My girlfriend also moved away for a 1 year masters, which I thought I’d be ok with. From September to January there was good weeks and bad weeks and I was seeing someone regularly (not therapy) just to open up with, and I was understanding anxiety and practising meditation.

Since January I’ve gone really downhill, since searching the internet and finding other types of OCD my mind has fixated on them the most and I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Originally it was HOCD triggered by people in the street or seeing faces, uncomfortable but easily reassured when i saw my girlfriend or other things. Around 3 weeks ago i was researching OCD (as you do) and came across POCD (paedophilia ocd), since then it’s completely took over my head, I feel guilty constantly, I can’t look at any news articles or TV if there is crime involved because I just feel like one day these thoughts will make me do something and that will be my life ruined. It’s making me double-think about memories in the past and how I have behaved. On top of this, I’m also triggered by suicide stories, I often think how has this person got into such a state, surely they are like me??

I barely go out now, I stay at home with my family because I feel safer than at university. It’s as though I don’t trust myself. With the HOCD it’s not illegal so it’s less intense and easily proven wrong, but the other types of ocd (POCD, suicidal ocd etc) are illegal and they’re eating me up thinking that one day I’m just going to ‘give in’ and commit these horrible thoughts that aren’t me!!

I have given up with the NHS 40 week long CBT waiting list, and think I’m going to go via the private route. With that, I’m not optimistic at the moment that it will help me, but I assume that’s just me not truly believing my thoughts aren’t real. I just want my life back, I just want the old me back. I don’t actually think about doing these horrible things often, I just have a fear of doing/liking them again things. My head tells me that it’s like a guilty pleasure or something and I just want it to stop, I don’t want these thoughts and I just want to get on with my life.
Hello, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! I would suggest seeing your GP and maybe a referral to a psychiatrist and therapist. You should never feel ashamed to reach out for help, it dosent make you weak. In fact it makes you strong! I think you would greatly benefit from a anxiety medication. But I’m no doctor so I suggest seeing them as soon as possible so you can get on the road to feeling better. Best of luck and I’m here if you need to talk. :hug:
 
N

NorasDad

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 15, 2019
Messages
145
Hi, I am 21 and a student. I have been dealing with general anxiety for around 2 years, until last summer when I started to get intrusive thoughts quite often. I then went to back to university for my third year, and was living with strangers and so isolated myself in my room. My girlfriend also moved away for a 1 year masters, which I thought I’d be ok with. From September to January there was good weeks and bad weeks and I was seeing someone regularly (not therapy) just to open up with, and I was understanding anxiety and practising meditation.

Since January I’ve gone really downhill, since searching the internet and finding other types of OCD my mind has fixated on them the most and I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Originally it was HOCD triggered by people in the street or seeing faces, uncomfortable but easily reassured when i saw my girlfriend or other things. Around 3 weeks ago i was researching OCD (as you do) and came across POCD (paedophilia ocd), since then it’s completely took over my head, I feel guilty constantly, I can’t look at any news articles or TV if there is crime involved because I just feel like one day these thoughts will make me do something and that will be my life ruined. It’s making me double-think about memories in the past and how I have behaved. On top of this, I’m also triggered by suicide stories, I often think how has this person got into such a state, surely they are like me??

I barely go out now, I stay at home with my family because I feel safer than at university. It’s as though I don’t trust myself. With the HOCD it’s not illegal so it’s less intense and easily proven wrong, but the other types of ocd (POCD, suicidal ocd etc) are illegal and they’re eating me up thinking that one day I’m just going to ‘give in’ and commit these horrible thoughts that aren’t me!!

I have given up with the NHS 40 week long CBT waiting list, and think I’m going to go via the private route. With that, I’m not optimistic at the moment that it will help me, but I assume that’s just me not truly believing my thoughts aren’t real. I just want my life back, I just want the old me back. I don’t actually think about doing these horrible things often, I just have a fear of doing/liking them again things. My head tells me that it’s like a guilty pleasure or something and I just want it to stop, I don’t want these thoughts and I just want to get on with my life.
Try the exercises here: Getselfhelp.co.uk CBT self help and therapy resources

and this video:

The key is to stop rumination. Rumination is like the "master compulsion" that precedes all other compulsions and shows you you're ruminating about an obsession rather than thinking a rational thought.

Just know that there are plenty of people like you - us - out there. You'll be ok.
 
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