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Breakdown/breakup/abortion

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randomguy2015

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Joined
Dec 28, 2014
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14
I don't know why I am writing this here. I suppose there are many places I could.

I will try to be concise.

I am 29 years old. Male.

I have recently experienced some events I would define as traumatic.
I am currently, for lack of better words, completely broken, spiritually, mentally, psychologically, emotionally. Soon perhaps I can add physically to this list.

I sleep perhaps 2 hours a night on average. I don't eat much and when I do I go to convenience stores and eat from the fridge section. Junk food.

I can't function properly in any way. I am surprised my job has not been compromised yet but I think that could happen soon. I have been late to work several times and even missed a few days.

I am starting to shut myself in. Not going out much or contacting friends, what few I have left.

I have deep anxiety/panic attacks and when they come I can not control them. I break down remembering everything that has happened and my inability to prevent it.

I am self-medicating with alcohol and have been drinking heavily for one month now. It numbs the emotional torment temporarily and gives me some false sense of self-esteem and confidence. Temporarily.

Why? There are two sides to any story, here is mine.

I was in a relationship with a woman for almost a year and a half.
I loved her, still love her, so much. I believed she loved me as well.
Our relationship had some problems. But we loved each other a lot and tried to push through.

We broke up in July of this year and we got back together a month later. I did everything I could to get her back. And to my surprise, it worked. But the relationship changed. Drastically. Now she had 100 percent control. I appeased, obeyed, sacrificed, everything. From this point on I stopped having any real social life outside our relatioship.

2 months later and my spirit was broken. I was trying to be strong and appease her to keep her in my life, but I no longer respected myself. My self-value and confidence was so low. I asked her so many times to stop this. That the relationship can not continue like this. She told me that I had to prove myself. That I owed her. I asked for how long. She said she did not know. So, I tried to continue...

Then. October 17th. A Friday. She asked me to get a pregnancy test. I did. It was positive. She was pregnant. With my child. I was shocked but not dismayed. I loved this woman. She told me she wanted to keep it, I said I did too. We were happy. We started planning things. In Korea this would be quite controversial, unmarried inter-racial couple. Her Korean, myself a foreigner. Her family is also a religious family and I am sure this would not go down well but we decided to keep the baby and plan.

Hmm. I must admit that I saw opportunity in all this. The baby presented an end to my suffering. I believed that now we were bound by the life we created, that she would start treating me with more respect. That I would no longer have to appease her. To hold so tight to make her stay.

I was wrong. I started appeasing her less and the fights began again. We were fighting often. It was my hubris? My naivety? She started threatening to get the abortion, something that upset me greatly, but I never believed it. I thought it was just emotions/hormones talking.

Sorry...I will try to be more concise.

November 3rd. She called me to talk about the apartment situation. She made some demands that I could not comply with. She wanted an apartment in January. I needed a little more time to put money aside and finish my lease. I said March. Big fight.

The next day she texted me saying she booked an abortion for that Friday. I was stunned. I could not believe it.

I thought she was just upset. She is religious. She told me she would never abort my child. I believed her. I did. I was wrong.

On the Friday I talked to her and begged her not do it. It was my child as well, and I loved her, we decided to keep it and make these plans.

We fought for an hour. I was so angry and upset. I yelled. She yelled.

At the last, she gave me a chance. Maybe it wasn't a real chance. But she asked me to appease again, to let go, to give her 100 percent. I said I could not continue like that, and for our family, we must have a healthier relationship. I said please, I will support you but don't ask for 100 percent. I need more equality in this relationship.

She hung up. Said bye.

I paced. I was waiting for a phone call or text. Saying she didn't do it. No text, no call.
For 2 weeks I waited. No contact. She changed her number. Blocked me on facebook. Everything.

At this time I thought perhaps 80 or 90 percent that she did it. But a hope still lived. Maybe she didn't. She is angry. But the baby still lives, which mean our family still lives.

I went through this for 2 weeks before I reached out. I emailed. Called her office.
She emailed me back.

"Yes. I didn't have a choice."

Her voice so calm and cold. Her email the same.

The weight of this hit me hard. I don't want to use any metaphors or similes in this post. I will try to be as direct as possible. I am going through the worst time in my life. A personal hell. (Oops..metaphor..)

The woman I loved chose a surgical abortion, ending the life of our child, instead of being with me, working with me.

My self worth is destroyed. The woman I loved more than anything. Broke all her personal beliefs, her religious code, to not be with me. She let a doctor invade her body to end our child's life, to be free of me.

I am broken-hearted, but also grief stricken. I wanted that baby..it was mine. I wanted my family. I feel like someone has taken my family away. Maybe this is all my fault. The end result is the same. Our family is no more. We had a dog but now he is with my sister because I can't even take care of myself. I had a family, a dog, a woman I loved, and a baby on the way. Now I have nothing but my pain and misery.

How do I recover from this? How do I feel like a man again? How do I stop falling deeper and deeper into despair and pick myself out of this hell. Every day is worse than the previous one. I am now in financial ruin. I don't know where I will be a year from now. And suicide has been on my mind a lot. An escape from this never-ending nightmare. Even when I go to sleep I still dream about all this, there is no escape.

If anyone has gone through their own personal hell and been completely broken, and some how put themselves back together, please, tell me how. Because I am just falling deeper.
 

cpuusage

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If anyone has gone through their own personal hell and been completely broken, and some how put themselves back together, please, tell me how. Because I am just falling deeper.
17 years ago i was in a relationship with a woman for around the same amount of time - she did very similar - & had an abortion - we split up.

i think it played a part in a severe psychosis i had shortly after - was sectioned, diagnosed with schizophrenia & have been medicated since.

For the past 13 years i've very much focused on healing & my own path. Things have been difficult, but i have also made a lot of progress. Have also been single since her - for over 16 years. Not sure i ever want to be in another relationship?

People do help us, & shine light on our path along the way - But ultimately i think we have to put in the work to our own healing - letting go of the past, acceptance, gratitude, forgiveness & living our lives as best that we're able.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Oh i'm really sorry to hear about this incredibly stressful and upsetting experience you've had.
It's no wonder that it's having such a big effect on you. It sounds like your hurting so much and I wish that there was something I could say to make it all better.

First of all, if you still have any control over your drinking, I advise you to stop.
As you said, any relief you get is only temporary. Descending into alcoholism will only make things worse.

I seriously suggest you seek out some counselling. Whilst a counsellor can't take away your pain, they can provide a safe space for you to talk about how you are feeling and can help you process your emotions. It can be really healing to tell your story and to have someone witness that.

Also, if you are considering suicide and feel like you might act on it, get medical help immediately.

I'm sorry that someone who you loved treated you so badly. Heartbreak is difficult in itself, but with the added abortion to deal with, you must feel broken. :hug1:

I'll be honest, I can't imagine this going away overnight. I'm sure you know that the road ahead will be long (ha - now i'm using the clichés).
But you must persist. It is absolutely worth fighting tooth and nail for your own life and happiness.

If there's anything you can to do help yourself in terms of sleeping better and making sure you eat enough, I would start by making that a priority.
A lack of sleep and good nutrition will have a huge effect on how your feeling, as will any excess drinking.
 
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randomguy2015

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Dec 28, 2014
Messages
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Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to write them. There is lots of wisdom to be gained from others who have suffered in their own way I believe.

I need to stop punishing myself, I agree with this. I need to sleep more, eat healthier food, and start exercising again. I agree that this road of recovery will be a long one indeed, but I should start and make the first step. Cliches aren't always terrible.

I believe my worst problem is the way I am remembering her and the relationship. Right now I remember the good times, her beauty, and the amazing times we shared. And to be frank, the sex was amazing, that never helps.

But I need to remember it the way it was. The manipulation and control. The conditional love, if she loved me at all, and I now question it. I was unhappy in the relationship and just remembered the good times. Hoping for them to return. But I now believe that in a relationship, if trust is broken, it is almost impossible to recover. Keep the good times going. If they end, getting them back could be a futile endeavor.

Perhaps I should stop persisting in futility. An expression I always liked: "Wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up first." I suppose I am figuratively now holding a big pile of shit while I spent all my times hoping for hopes. Pardon my French.

I like this message board. Good people.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Oct 23, 2014
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Your last message sounded more positive, I think, which is good to hear. We all know it won't be easy; the road to recovery never is, but you sound sensible and have insight to help you along the way.

It's strange how, after the breakdown of a relationship, we automatically start thinking of the good times and filter out the bad. I've been through this several times even when I've been the one to end the relationship. As you said, you have to concentrate on the reality and worst of it, which was not too great at all. Just be kind to yourself, let yourself grieve and aim for progress in tiny manageable pieces.

You've been through quite an ordeal and anyone would struggle to cope but I hope that each day becomes a little easier for you and that you feel better soon.
 
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randomguy2015

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Dec 28, 2014
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Thanks so much. I do have some moments of clarity, where I can see things in a way that makes the weight lighter, the pressure in my chest lighter, and the anxiety lessen. I have these times.

The worst is that they don't always stay. I suppose it's like holding onto something really tight. And the tighter you hold it, the more despair you feel when it slips away. The shock and disappointment. I thought I was there. I thought I was ok. But then suddenly a trigger sets me off. I see a baby on the subway or her visage in a place we went to. We have so many memories in this city. It's even difficult for me to be in my apartment. If these triggers hit me hard enough then I spiral out of control and I fall back to the bottom of that pit.

This has happened a few times now. And each time it happens, each time I climb a bit and fall back down, I feel that I've fallen to a slightly deeper level. And the journey out again seems quite difficult. It is at these times, when these triggers and memories hit me that I tend to drink to escape this re-descent into misery. But I can't use alcohol as a coping mechanism, I realize that.

I have 6 weeks left until my work contract finishes. I will move to a different city and hope to leave this all behind me. Hope to be away from these triggers and memories. But I suppose some will always exist.

My challenge is to conquer these triggers, and not let them push me back down. It is a difficult challenge.

6 weeks. Take it one day at a time, right?

Thanks so much.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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One day at a time indeed. When things become unbearable it can often feel like a 'one step forward, two or three back' kind of journey. As I'm sure you're aware, alcohol will bring with it it's own set of problems which is the last thing you need right now.

You're right with the escapism; You can run away from the constant reminders (which would probably help) but you can't run away from yourself or your pain. And now, in amongst all the other cliches, I'm going to throw in an old favourite: Time is a great healer. It's never helpful to hear but it's oh so true so I'm not going to apologise for it :) What you have been through is relatively recent and will still hurt you greatly but you will find that one day, where you get to the end of it and realise that it's not been on your mind until then.

I'm not even sure if that makes sense. I know what I'm trying to say but I think I need to sleep so I'll cut this short and bid you a good night.

I truly wish you well with your challenge and I'm sure you can do it. We're all here to help you see it through. :hug1:
 
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randomguy2015

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I find myself succumbing and relapsing into despair...

But suddenly aware that this is life...life is not happiness and joy. Life is not a romantic comedy wherein we laugh and emit a sigh of relief at the end, the lovers reunited.

Life is a spectrum. Must be a spectrum. We can not know joy without despair...and I will be unable to appreciate what and who makes me happy when I find that again in the future unless I endure this pain..

I realize all this and yet question my strength to over come this...I repeat "be strong" as if doing so will instill this mantra within me...

I truly believe in karma and its hunger for retribution. I am humbled by it and merciless to it. Will this suffering be enough to atone for my sins? Will it let me go from its hold and allow me to experience something joyful again?

The memories hurt...and so does the reality that with time they will fade. That those special memories and moments of true love will become mere shadows of a candle that once burned bright. Now I am being pathetically poetic.

Tonight will be a hard night for me. But I cannot delay facing these realities forever. I cannot let every trigger break me...
 

cpuusage

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I truly believe in karma and its hunger for retribution. I am humbled by it and merciless to it. Will this suffering be enough to atone for my sins? Will it let me go from its hold and allow me to experience something joyful again?
There are some very in depth writings on karma. i think a lot of karma is too complex to work out - i do think however that primarily karma concerns learning.

The memories hurt...and so does the reality that with time they will fade. That those special memories and moments of true love will become mere shadows of a candle that once burned bright.
Does it have to all be about a 'romantic' love? Many other aspects to love in life.
 
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randomguy2015

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I wanted to bare knuckle this. I wanted to over come it by myself. But I can't.

I've talked to a psychiatrist and decided to take medication for my anxiety and sleeping problems. I am heavily sleep-deprived and these moments where I spin out of control are debilitating. I will be taking Xanax and sleeping pills for these problems. He thinks it is the best idea.

I really wish I was strong enough to do this. But I can't function properly in life. I am so tired. And weary. Fragile. I make way but lose it. I find a way to come to terms with things but it vanishes not long after.

I feel like I am constantly re-convincing someone on an issue. We talk about it for hours and finally the person is like "Yeah, that makes sense, wow, I get it. Ok, thanks for that."
And then like an hour later they ask me again - "Wait I don't think what you said is right. I've been thinking about it and that's wrong."

This is a metaphor. I don't actually talk to myself. But this is what it feels like. It's SO exhausting to go through this every day.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Medication isn't always a long-term answer, nor is it a cure.
But it has definitely helped buy me time when i've been desperate, and helped me get stronger so that I could then find resources and coping mechanisms that have helped me in the long run.

I really hope you start to feel better soon.
 
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