- May 14, 2021
At the center for mental health I explained what happend and my history of major depressions lasting for long time, four or five in my life, the first before I was 20. All these long and awful episodes had been triggered by the same situation. I was left by my partner.
In my case it's never been a matter of going thru the grief phase, grieving few months and then you're over and going on with your life. No, for me it's been a very long time of suffering, anxiety, deep depression, regression, loss of identity, hopelessness. Horrible. I always thought that if hell does exist it can't be worse than that. I've been thru this EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I am on medication now, I have psychiatrist and therapist, again.
One year and a half passed since that fatal phone call and I've been suffering like a dog.
There were some little changes in my situation. They are very small nevertheless kind of significant to me. In my first month my level of anxiety was unbearable and the sadness as well. I had no energy whatsoever. It was vital that i distracted my mind so I spent few months in front the television, all day, every single day, watching all kind of rubbish on commercial TV and ta,ing pills for anxiety and antidepressants. In the evening I was absolutely exhausted. Then I discovered a couple of documentaries tv channels and that was an improvement. I've been obsessed with my ex all the time and I've been Journaling a lot. Many times I had the compulsion to contact my ex and every time it ended with me begging for emotional support and her getting irritated and angry. My next phase, after the documentaries it's been me diving head first in (good) books about my condition(s). Breakup loss and depression. This has been a major change. My depression, my thoughts, my suffering was all about the loss of my beloved partner, I think that something has slowly changed, I might say, just for the sake of comprehension, that today my suffering is 70 % about the loss of my partner and a 30% about just myself and the sad life I am living (I am 66).
My therapist considers this as an improvement.
I keep receiving advise, from everybody, about things to do (mostly physical activities), finding something that I could be passionate about, but I find this very difficult. My doctor and therapist ordered me to do a couple of walks everyday, I am failing even at that, I really don't feel like and I am feeling guilty