W
weltsch
New member
So im BPD, (not officially diagnosed but suspected, by health professionals) and I was in this relationship for 3 months, talked intensely for a few weeks or so before that. Im really struggling with this break up tbh. And its kind of because I feel I messed it up, but Im also questioning did this person even love me. And tbh that is worse, because if they did I pushed them away. Id much rather think that they didnt and thats why they bailed.
Ive really been having a hard time mentally and maybe I shouldnt have been in a relationship I needed someone to lean on, this girl didnt seem to be able to do that anyway.
She said I love you on the second date, it was super intense in bed all night kissing etc. She was tentative to say it, but once she said it, that was it, I was in.
At the start we had a slight disagreement she had liked a local guys photo in the bath, it was a provocative photo and she had like alot of his other stuff previous to talking to me, now to me, thats just abit odd, its not really a comfortable thing for my boundaries, especially with how insecure I am.
I just let her know "I dont think im cool with that", she responded saying its not a big deal, and then I think I said something like thats how i feel so i dunno, whatever, then silence from her, I had to call her 2 days later to sort it out, and basically just explain how I felt, after on text I just said, were you just going to leave it? she was like "I dunno, my mum was surprised I wanted to sort it out coz I never do".
This is like the antithesis to my personality I like to talk things through. Anyway, I said it would have been a shame after everything (her saying I love you and our connection) she just said yeh it would, already my head felt like it was getting abit messed with, to me her saying I love you meant commitment, she just said she would have just left things that made 0 sense to me. I wish I could have said we need to slow down, but I was in deep and I take these things deep.
She said she wanted to move away to canada at some point, we were having a good weekend and I took it really personally, and I was like what wait, where am I factored in this I know she just said this maybe not thinking but u know (bpd), I have a daughter so that wasnt going to happen, she then quickly say, oh I meant before I met you, I was like thats not what you said,(should have just left it there probs but me being me) the fact she was saying love you's and talking all this commitment stuff that I became fearful saying things like that, she would just leave.
If I objected to anything she said, like what did u mean here, or went quiet myself, she'd go in a mood, and go silent there was never any real, trying to bring me out of it, trying to ease my fear nothing, that I even had the audacity to question things she said, that seemed abit inconsiderate, dont get me wrong I was far from perfect and nit picky, which I really regret, but there we go.
Anyway, she seemed to spite me by going quiet, I think she knew I didnt like it because I am needy. That time she hugged me and stopped me from leaving, no verbal just a hug really. This kinda pattern continued but she began not really caring on the outcome, she claimed to have panic attacks from these slight disagreements. Sometimes I would feel like i was bothering her on text, and if I showed a slight bit of irritation at the fact her replies were slow, or we had big gaps in the day or that most of the time it was me, initiating, she turned it around and Id say oh im gonna be away from my phone tomorrow just to let you know will be busy with dad because to me thats the courteous thing to do, ok I was abit arsey saying it but it was a lil frustrating for me doing most of the running and shed say I was being weird, then ignore me for 2 days and again, Id ring, she breathed heavy on phone claiming she just needed a sec to deal with this.
Then you know after that "argument" she starts talking about self love, solo travelling, and how I need to love myself, which I said just sounds like narcissism, but this just fucked with my insecurity thinking oh shes not into this anymore, then it may go well for a while and then talks of rings, being husband, all this kind of stuff, which I went along with, the fantasy of love, me then questioning her double mindedness.
Ok so then my insecurities shone through, she said I was "Actually a good looking guy, that she thought I was cute, but connected more on an emotional level" when we first met, at the time, my self esteem was very low, I cant lie, I said I needed to walk, and my quietness was a pattern when I found something she said abit alarming, she came with me, and on teh walk I just said that it felt kinda shit that she said that, she then obviously went in a mood tried to walk away and further from me, I explained I know its just me being silly, and its not just that my heads not in a good place I got silence again... I decided this wasnt healthy for me, and said maybe I should just go, she encouraged me to, I know not great on my part, but at this point, this distance at times, just fucked with me. I was also really struggling with intrusive thoughts and ocd. I think it was too much for her.
Then she came to mine the same week, i argued with my mum infront of her, me going on being my bpd self, over analysis splitting devaluing, she judged how much I went on, I snapped abit at her, saying she wasnt being supportive, but that I just needed time to process, we were kinda arguing as my mom was being unweclome, and I called her out on it, obviously this was awkward,
she then seemed to disagree with evrything i said at one point trying to lighten mood and it was probably me just being sensitive so i just did the same, turned over went to sleep the next day i decided to, be quiet and let her come to me, let her mood dictate things, i made her breakfast but was very quiet, and went for a walk, came back and she had packed wanting to leave i convinced her to stay, but after this we agreed a gap in each other company 2 weeks, but she just really changed in that 2 weeks, but was adamant she loved me still, but of course at this point i was just convinced id fucked this, she was very detached still talked but minimal effort to some degree, never wanted a call, in comparison to before, she even just didnt text one day. I struggle with mental health and I need support sometimes I really got nothing in that 2 weeks, not one face time only when I facetimed one night as we were talking on phone dont get me wrong she returned the call, but never initiated.
anyway as you can see nearly every interaction had a problem (She said it was me looking for them, im trying to hope that it wasnt just me and that it was her reaction to some insecurities created by her projecting these love fantasies on me then acting different) and then finally she wanted a break, after I did snap about something after a lengthy convo, on how I just felt she wasnt happy, and she wasnt acting like it, and when I said u cant be happy with this, she said "I love you", I really dont know if she meant that, she couldnt find words to say anything else, and she was emotional... this hurts because, the next day i just snapped about something, and I knew I was gonna get the detachment again, dont get me wrong it wasnt hurrendous detachment but from that spark at the start i just couldnt handle it, I loved how much she needed and wanted me at the start, and then it just felt like i bothered her. in the end i agreed with the space, but after the phone call realised i couldnt do it, and out of anger said i couldnt that i was sorry, i never insulted her or anything, but my sister said, i wouldnt do it, save urself the heartache, my ex said, "maybe ur right if this is how it is u cant even give me a day, and this is what its like", now that wasnt true, wed had a day here and there before, even once willingly and she said that we should do that more often.... she said thank u for everything and take care, i was like weve all had enough space, if u just want space for 3 weeks, we just shouldnt be together were done its done, at this point previous she said this wasnt helping her depression then i said, i needed to block her because it was easier that way. ( I KNOW I KNOW)
i regretted this instantly, i tried to snap her saying sorry, she blocked without reading, i text and it went through 3 days later, explaining i wanted us to work it out, i didnt mean it etc, then christmas day i thought i would ring, i was blocked i left a final voicemail, been 6 days and im pretty sure shes done.
what hurts so much is wondering wether she really loved me, not just that, i pushed her away i knew what i was doing, i split a few times, i wish ida handled so much more better, maybe it would have worked? im really beating myself, up, i just thought id get another chance, i thought that if she allowed for some of my outbursts it proved she loved me, she could have helped some of these situations by at least trying to ease it, just once or a time. we exchanged gifts at xmas, had great sex... cant believe shes really done, please be gentle im really coming to grips with the effects of bpd on relationships, also was she Fearful avoidant?
I feel so sad, like did I put this girl through hell? I know i was nit picky, but i think she never really tried to give me much emotional support just kinda became distant going through the motions dont get me wrong we talked like everyday, but u know when theres abit of a difference, and i really think the i love you and commitment talks at the beginning got to me, otherwise i really think i would have been more chill, i was in the beginning, even her mom has me blocked but the ex of 7 years, hes still on there. I feel like such a failure and im heartbroken, she wont even talk to me now its been a week of no contact, im blocked off everything.
Ive really been having a hard time mentally and maybe I shouldnt have been in a relationship I needed someone to lean on, this girl didnt seem to be able to do that anyway.
She said I love you on the second date, it was super intense in bed all night kissing etc. She was tentative to say it, but once she said it, that was it, I was in.
At the start we had a slight disagreement she had liked a local guys photo in the bath, it was a provocative photo and she had like alot of his other stuff previous to talking to me, now to me, thats just abit odd, its not really a comfortable thing for my boundaries, especially with how insecure I am.
I just let her know "I dont think im cool with that", she responded saying its not a big deal, and then I think I said something like thats how i feel so i dunno, whatever, then silence from her, I had to call her 2 days later to sort it out, and basically just explain how I felt, after on text I just said, were you just going to leave it? she was like "I dunno, my mum was surprised I wanted to sort it out coz I never do".
This is like the antithesis to my personality I like to talk things through. Anyway, I said it would have been a shame after everything (her saying I love you and our connection) she just said yeh it would, already my head felt like it was getting abit messed with, to me her saying I love you meant commitment, she just said she would have just left things that made 0 sense to me. I wish I could have said we need to slow down, but I was in deep and I take these things deep.
She said she wanted to move away to canada at some point, we were having a good weekend and I took it really personally, and I was like what wait, where am I factored in this I know she just said this maybe not thinking but u know (bpd), I have a daughter so that wasnt going to happen, she then quickly say, oh I meant before I met you, I was like thats not what you said,(should have just left it there probs but me being me) the fact she was saying love you's and talking all this commitment stuff that I became fearful saying things like that, she would just leave.
If I objected to anything she said, like what did u mean here, or went quiet myself, she'd go in a mood, and go silent there was never any real, trying to bring me out of it, trying to ease my fear nothing, that I even had the audacity to question things she said, that seemed abit inconsiderate, dont get me wrong I was far from perfect and nit picky, which I really regret, but there we go.
Anyway, she seemed to spite me by going quiet, I think she knew I didnt like it because I am needy. That time she hugged me and stopped me from leaving, no verbal just a hug really. This kinda pattern continued but she began not really caring on the outcome, she claimed to have panic attacks from these slight disagreements. Sometimes I would feel like i was bothering her on text, and if I showed a slight bit of irritation at the fact her replies were slow, or we had big gaps in the day or that most of the time it was me, initiating, she turned it around and Id say oh im gonna be away from my phone tomorrow just to let you know will be busy with dad because to me thats the courteous thing to do, ok I was abit arsey saying it but it was a lil frustrating for me doing most of the running and shed say I was being weird, then ignore me for 2 days and again, Id ring, she breathed heavy on phone claiming she just needed a sec to deal with this.
Then you know after that "argument" she starts talking about self love, solo travelling, and how I need to love myself, which I said just sounds like narcissism, but this just fucked with my insecurity thinking oh shes not into this anymore, then it may go well for a while and then talks of rings, being husband, all this kind of stuff, which I went along with, the fantasy of love, me then questioning her double mindedness.
Ok so then my insecurities shone through, she said I was "Actually a good looking guy, that she thought I was cute, but connected more on an emotional level" when we first met, at the time, my self esteem was very low, I cant lie, I said I needed to walk, and my quietness was a pattern when I found something she said abit alarming, she came with me, and on teh walk I just said that it felt kinda shit that she said that, she then obviously went in a mood tried to walk away and further from me, I explained I know its just me being silly, and its not just that my heads not in a good place I got silence again... I decided this wasnt healthy for me, and said maybe I should just go, she encouraged me to, I know not great on my part, but at this point, this distance at times, just fucked with me. I was also really struggling with intrusive thoughts and ocd. I think it was too much for her.
Then she came to mine the same week, i argued with my mum infront of her, me going on being my bpd self, over analysis splitting devaluing, she judged how much I went on, I snapped abit at her, saying she wasnt being supportive, but that I just needed time to process, we were kinda arguing as my mom was being unweclome, and I called her out on it, obviously this was awkward,
she then seemed to disagree with evrything i said at one point trying to lighten mood and it was probably me just being sensitive so i just did the same, turned over went to sleep the next day i decided to, be quiet and let her come to me, let her mood dictate things, i made her breakfast but was very quiet, and went for a walk, came back and she had packed wanting to leave i convinced her to stay, but after this we agreed a gap in each other company 2 weeks, but she just really changed in that 2 weeks, but was adamant she loved me still, but of course at this point i was just convinced id fucked this, she was very detached still talked but minimal effort to some degree, never wanted a call, in comparison to before, she even just didnt text one day. I struggle with mental health and I need support sometimes I really got nothing in that 2 weeks, not one face time only when I facetimed one night as we were talking on phone dont get me wrong she returned the call, but never initiated.
anyway as you can see nearly every interaction had a problem (She said it was me looking for them, im trying to hope that it wasnt just me and that it was her reaction to some insecurities created by her projecting these love fantasies on me then acting different) and then finally she wanted a break, after I did snap about something after a lengthy convo, on how I just felt she wasnt happy, and she wasnt acting like it, and when I said u cant be happy with this, she said "I love you", I really dont know if she meant that, she couldnt find words to say anything else, and she was emotional... this hurts because, the next day i just snapped about something, and I knew I was gonna get the detachment again, dont get me wrong it wasnt hurrendous detachment but from that spark at the start i just couldnt handle it, I loved how much she needed and wanted me at the start, and then it just felt like i bothered her. in the end i agreed with the space, but after the phone call realised i couldnt do it, and out of anger said i couldnt that i was sorry, i never insulted her or anything, but my sister said, i wouldnt do it, save urself the heartache, my ex said, "maybe ur right if this is how it is u cant even give me a day, and this is what its like", now that wasnt true, wed had a day here and there before, even once willingly and she said that we should do that more often.... she said thank u for everything and take care, i was like weve all had enough space, if u just want space for 3 weeks, we just shouldnt be together were done its done, at this point previous she said this wasnt helping her depression then i said, i needed to block her because it was easier that way. ( I KNOW I KNOW)
i regretted this instantly, i tried to snap her saying sorry, she blocked without reading, i text and it went through 3 days later, explaining i wanted us to work it out, i didnt mean it etc, then christmas day i thought i would ring, i was blocked i left a final voicemail, been 6 days and im pretty sure shes done.
what hurts so much is wondering wether she really loved me, not just that, i pushed her away i knew what i was doing, i split a few times, i wish ida handled so much more better, maybe it would have worked? im really beating myself, up, i just thought id get another chance, i thought that if she allowed for some of my outbursts it proved she loved me, she could have helped some of these situations by at least trying to ease it, just once or a time. we exchanged gifts at xmas, had great sex... cant believe shes really done, please be gentle im really coming to grips with the effects of bpd on relationships, also was she Fearful avoidant?
I feel so sad, like did I put this girl through hell? I know i was nit picky, but i think she never really tried to give me much emotional support just kinda became distant going through the motions dont get me wrong we talked like everyday, but u know when theres abit of a difference, and i really think the i love you and commitment talks at the beginning got to me, otherwise i really think i would have been more chill, i was in the beginning, even her mom has me blocked but the ex of 7 years, hes still on there. I feel like such a failure and im heartbroken, she wont even talk to me now its been a week of no contact, im blocked off everything.
