Brain is giving up.........

Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

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#1
Don't really know where to put this but seems to be more SA related than ED so...

went to meetup tonight. Nearly didn't go because I would have preferred to have stayed home and binged.

I am getting more and more detached from other people, I can barely participate in the discussion. I know I have posted about this before but it seems to be getting worse. I used to blame it on time of the month as the meetups were usually just before, but we had one 2 weeks ago and I was just as bad then.

I always end up feeling hungry afterwards as well and eating too much.

I left early today as just couldn't hack it. Was sitting there comparing myself to the other females and their various body parts - I hate that I do this and if they knew I did it would probably not like me very much.

And as usual just have nothing to say about the book and getting more and more depressed about how normal and chatty they are. It strikes me that they are all grown up whereas I am masquerading as an adult and am really not. I think I am going to have to stop going because i am so self conscious of not saying anything, it looks like I am just observing them and I imagine that might make people feel uncomfortable. I can't connect with other people. My brain is closing in on itself.

On the way back I went to Sainsbury's there was an old lady in there talking to herself I thought that is my future, I already do at home but not in public yet.

In addition I have a job interview next week but I don't think I can go as I feel so unwell in the head. I know I should just wait and see how I feel but then i will have to cancel at the last minute which will make me even more anxious than just saying I'm not going now. And I have an inkling it is just a tick box exercise for them anyway as I declared my disability.

And now I've put it on here, I will have to go or people on here may judge me as workshy etc

I'm struggling to fill in application forms as my brain can't compute the personal statement bits even though for most jobs it is a copy and paste thing I still have to think about the order and how to make it relevant for that particular job etc

My brain is giving up. Whether it is the depression or my chaotic eating or something else I don't know. Does long periods of isolation make your brain stop working if you are not using those bits of it that are needed to be social and think?

Sorry I am moaning a lot lately guess people must be fed up, sorry to be selfish.
 
Z

zoeyz

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#2
What does SA & ED stand for? Eating Disorder maybe?

I have issues with food and over eating. It sounds like you are feeling depressed to me. :hug1:
 
Z

zoeyz

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#4
Ok I have some social anxiety too, but I think it's pretty mild. I feel that when I'm around a large group of strangers I have a hard time.
 
Toasted Crumpet

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#5
Right now I don't know if the depression is causing the social anxiety or the other way round, when I am with others. If i wasn't so depressed surely my brain would work better and I'd have some contribution to make?
 
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zoeyz

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#6
I have suffered from anxiety and depression. I have ADD and that give me constant anxiety since I have gone back on meds for it I've felt so much better. Anti depressants have never helped me, but large does of omega 3 have helped with my depression. I think the two issues can bounce back and forth. I think for me my anxiety can cause depression if it goes on with out medication or some sort let up.

Maybe if you could let the group know you are feeling a bit anxious and that it's a bit hard for you to share right now. They will understand that you just need to be there for support.
 
Toasted Crumpet

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#7
Maybe if you could let the group know you are feeling a bit anxious and that it's a bit hard for you to share right now. They will understand that you just need to be there for support.
Um not really, it's a book club nothing to do with mental health and I don't want them knowing I am unwell.
 
BlueGlass

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#9
Do you write notes about the book to take with you or is it all from memory?

No one is going to think you are work shy if you don't go to the interview. You are not well so it is totally understandable if it is too much for you atm.
 
Toasted Crumpet

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#10
I don't write notes but I wouldnt know what to write anyway. We are given questions and the discussion is loosely based around these (we don't get them in advance) but whatever I prepare about never seems to come up in the conversation and I am not socially skilled enough to be able to steer it in another direction or expand on whatever point I was making. I don't think it is just a memory problem.

I am actually wondering now if I have negative symptoms of schizophrenia because poverty of thought and speech are part of that, even though I have not ever had any positive symptoms like delusions.

Regarding the interview, I said I would go to give me some time to see if I feel better, but am crapping myself - I will have to do a phone test - I have social anxiety and hate, hate, HATE using the phone but any office job will involve that - also some sort of written test and there are some questions I have to prepare for as well and then a panel interview. It is amazing how hard it is even to get a basic admin job these days.
 
BlueGlass

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#11
sound very hard for anyone never mind someone with SA.

that interview does seem very complicated.
 
Toasted Crumpet

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#13
From NHS website

Negative symptoms of schizophrenia

The negative symptoms of schizophrenia can often appear several years before somebody experiences their first acute schizophrenic episode. These initial negative symptoms are often referred to as the prodromal period of schizophrenia.

Symptoms during the prodromal period usually appear gradually and slowly get worse. They include becoming more socially withdrawn and experiencing an increasing lack of care about your appearance and personal hygiene.

It can be difficult to tell whether the symptoms are part of the development of schizophrenia or caused by something else. Negative symptoms experienced by people living with schizophrenia include:

losing interest and motivation in life and activities, including relationships and sex
lack of concentration, not wanting to leave the house and changes in sleeping patterns
being less likely to initiate conversations and feeling uncomfortable with people, or feeling there is nothing to say

The negative symptoms of schizophrenia can often lead to relationship problems with friends and family because they can sometimes be mistaken for deliberate laziness or rudeness.
Maybe I have this as well. I think I have everything except OCD and bipolar :confused:
 
Toasted Crumpet

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#15
Can I ask you, BG, do you think what I describe is the depression or the SA? I thought you might know as you have SA not depression? As I can't tell. My behaviour in the meetup for instance.
 
Jonwal

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#16
Don't give up toasted you are a brilliant forum member and have made me feel very welcome. I hope you find a way out of this madness and despair. Jon x
 
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Topcat

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#18
It might not help, but I get like this during anxiety/depression phases of my 'cycles'. Social groups will have me feeling completely alien, detached, different etc. I can 'hear' the negative thoughts others must have of me. I can't speak without a thought telling me what crap I've just said etc. It's horribly uncomfortable and unbearable. I find it hard to commit to social situations now because I can't predict what mood state I will be in, so employ avoidance.
Xx
 
BlueGlass

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#19
I donno if you can separate depression and SA like that.
I think I would be very much similar though, so I would say SA alone could cause it.
 
TiredTina

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#20
I can say without a shadow of a doubt that all those symptoms in the list you posted also relate to depression, I know because I have them all. Also I find that anxiety makes it so difficult to take part in groups even if you really want to, the thought of everyone looking at you while you speak is just too much.

Please dont worry about posting on here about whether you decide to go to the interview or not, like BG said if you dont go it is because you are unwell not because you are workshy :)