• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Brain fog / depression / bipolar

B

Bighill

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Uk
Hi and thanks for reading, I wonder if anyone feels like me?

to sum up how I feel:
I feel like I have a brain fog or numbness, I feel like I need to jump into a nice cool pool on a hot summers day so I can wake up and feel mentally refreshed and positive again.
I remember when I was younger, I loved the summer early evenings where the air had just cooled, I was in my early teens, and I would just feel like there is so much going on in the world that I had yet to discover and explore, it was exciting and I was wide awake.

now in my late 30’s I feel so much anxiety, I’m a bit overweight, I work at home. I thought I had a bad case of procrastination, but I literally get the shakes and avoid doing anything productive. I then go into a self destruct mode and avoid work until I literally have to do it or I will get fired, yet I always seem to get by. Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for someone to put me out of my misery.
but sometimes I can also have very short lived highs, where I will plan out all the things I need to do, but in the back of my head I know the dark times will be here again soon. Then I’m back on the internet looking at negative things happening in the world knowing it will bring me back down to self destruct mode.

I’m quite clever, I have a high paid IT job, I know I could go far, and have the potential, but I just can’t bring myself to do anything, I’m stuck, hence why I need that pool, I need to jump in to wake me up because I miss that feeling of opportunity for adventure whistling in the air. Maybe that’s why I go for a drive to think, I like moving along the road with the window down slightly, it feels like progress somehow.
I think I may be bipolar as in the dark times I think things like I would like to go skydiving because I’m not bothered if the shoot opens, maybe that edge gives me a thrill. I don’t know.

I did visit a doctor, she asked me bipolar related questions ( I had researched it ) but she kind of made me feel silly and gave me a leaflet on anxiety.
 
L

LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
613
Location
United States
Hi Bighill,

I don't know if you have Bipolar Depression or not. I don't have it and I'm not qualified to diagnose it, but I know what you're going through. I suffered from mental numbness for a long time. I felt like I lived in a snow globe that I could never get out of, that I just wanted to burst through the glass so I could feel again. Images became like a fuzzy television set where you knew there was a picture there, but it just wasn't clear enough to find satisfying. I lived every day unaware, lost in a barrage of negative thoughts pecking at my brain like annoying little birds.

I've had to look inward and really discover why things had become so bad. I found so many threads I had no idea wove such a messed up mental framework -- anger, resentment, fear, disrespect, loneliness. I had to accept them, embrace them, and move through them.

These last few years have been incredibly challenging. I've spent the better part of it talking with myself, letting myself release all those feelings and not judge them as I used to. I realized that everything that I am and everything that I felt, no matter how awful, was okay. I'm not bad because I'm a jerk sometimes. I'm okay as a flawed person that makes mistakes. I can handle the consequences of those mistakes. I even like those crappy parts of me.

I don't have any regrets in life because I didn't know any better. I was always a pessimist and I haven't made any close friends. That definitely hurt. I've had to accept things I didn't want to -- that I might always be alone, that I have such negative feelings toward my mother, that I have to be happy just as I am. But they've made me stronger and healthier.

This is not an easy path, but it is a path that with the desire, can be followed to a more hopeful destination. If you're really suffering, I suggest seeing a therapist to get started. It helps you vent and learn things about yourself. Regardless, just always work on accepting yourself and moving through the daily stresses. You deserve a happy life!

Good luck and stay safe!
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
6,448
Location
Nashua NH
Hi and thanks for reading, I wonder if anyone feels like me?

to sum up how I feel:
I feel like I have a brain fog or numbness, I feel like I need to jump into a nice cool pool on a hot summers day so I can wake up and feel mentally refreshed and positive again.
I remember when I was younger, I loved the summer early evenings where the air had just cooled, I was in my early teens, and I would just feel like there is so much going on in the world that I had yet to discover and explore, it was exciting and I was wide awake.

now in my late 30’s I feel so much anxiety, I’m a bit overweight, I work at home. I thought I had a bad case of procrastination, but I literally get the shakes and avoid doing anything productive. I then go into a self destruct mode and avoid work until I literally have to do it or I will get fired, yet I always seem to get by. Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for someone to put me out of my misery.
but sometimes I can also have very short lived highs, where I will plan out all the things I need to do, but in the back of my head I know the dark times will be here again soon. Then I’m back on the internet looking at negative things happening in the world knowing it will bring me back down to self destruct mode.

I’m quite clever, I have a high paid IT job, I know I could go far, and have the potential, but I just can’t bring myself to do anything, I’m stuck, hence why I need that pool, I need to jump in to wake me up because I miss that feeling of opportunity for adventure whistling in the air. Maybe that’s why I go for a drive to think, I like moving along the road with the window down slightly, it feels like progress somehow.
I think I may be bipolar as in the dark times I think things like I would like to go skydiving because I’m not bothered if the shoot opens, maybe that edge gives me a thrill. I don’t know.

I did visit a doctor, she asked me bipolar related questions ( I had researched it ) but she kind of made me feel silly and gave me a leaflet on anxiety.
Usually bipolar includes mania where you sleep very little, talk rapidly, come up
with all kinds of ideas for projects, make all kinds of phone calls, spend all kinds of money, become
extra outgoing socially and/or hypersexual. People take a lot of risks when they are manic,
sometimes slip into delusion or psychosis and end up enthusiastically losing a grip
on things altogether. This is bipolar 1 which I experience. Bipolar 2 features
hypomania which is shorter and more subdued than full length manias:
mine can go on for months to a
year. If you experience these things I might try to get a second opinion since anxiety and bipolar are treated very differently. If not I guess it’s just anxiety or something different possibly: sometimes with psychiatrists I think they never know for certain but just instead more or less take a shot in the dark...
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
Hi Bighill,

I don't know if you have Bipolar Depression or not. I don't have it and I'm not qualified to diagnose it, but I know what you're going through. I suffered from mental numbness for a long time. I felt like I lived in a snow globe that I could never get out of, that I just wanted to burst through the glass so I could feel again. Images became like a fuzzy television set where you knew there was a picture there, but it just wasn't clear enough to find satisfying. I lived every day unaware, lost in a barrage of negative thoughts pecking at my brain like annoying little birds.

I've had to look inward and really discover why things had become so bad. I found so many threads I had no idea wove such a messed up mental framework -- anger, resentment, fear, disrespect, loneliness. I had to accept them, embrace them, and move through them.

These last few years have been incredibly challenging. I've spent the better part of it talking with myself, letting myself release all those feelings and not judge them as I used to. I realized that everything that I am and everything that I felt, no matter how awful, was okay. I'm not bad because I'm a jerk sometimes. I'm okay as a flawed person that makes mistakes. I can handle the consequences of those mistakes. I even like those crappy parts of me.

I don't have any regrets in life because I didn't know any better. I was always a pessimist and I haven't made any close friends. That definitely hurt. I've had to accept things I didn't want to -- that I might always be alone, that I have such negative feelings toward my mother, that I have to be happy just as I am. But they've made me stronger and healthier.

This is not an easy path, but it is a path that with the desire, can be followed to a more hopeful destination. If you're really suffering, I suggest seeing a therapist to get started. It helps you vent and learn things about yourself. Regardless, just always work on accepting yourself and moving through the daily stresses. You deserve a happy life!

Good luck and stay safe!
Loki...can you share more about how you got to a better place? Going through the worst episode of double depression right now, and everything in my life is broken and ive lost everything important to me except, thank God, my folks and close friends. I cant see how i can recover from this...how did you do it? Im 42 started on welbutrin and lexapro little over a month ago and just started therapy..thing is, i dont BELIEVE that i can be better, that things can be better...did you ever reach that point and how did you get through?
 
M

mittensofdoom

Member
Joined
Apr 27, 2020
Messages
13
Location
UK
I won't give this advice as an absolute solution, but as a suggestion you might want to think upon. Have you considered a change in your situation? A new job, for example, to give you a new challenge and a new adventure. It might be your cool pool :)
 
L

LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
613
Location
United States
Loki...can you share more about how you got to a better place? Going through the worst episode of double depression right now, and everything in my life is broken and ive lost everything important to me except, thank God, my folks and close friends. I cant see how i can recover from this...how did you do it? Im 42 started on welbutrin and lexapro little over a month ago and just started therapy..thing is, i dont BELIEVE that i can be better, that things can be better...did you ever reach that point and how did you get through?
Hi INFP_DoubleDepression! Nice to meet you!

That sounds like a really terrible situation you're in. I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering like that right now. This Covid-19 thing is just making everything worse.

I didn't believe I could be better either. I've been a pessimist since I was born. I didn't believe in all this positivity stuff one bit. Part of me thinks it's because people that start out positive in life don't know, or forget, what it's like to be negative and don't give the best advice. Or they do, but it just doesn't make sense with more context and specific action steps.

I've really only just recently come out of a very difficult depression that had me in tears almost about every day. It's amazing how when you really start to get deep into yourself your problems seemingly rise to the surface. But that was the only way I could deal with them.

I'm sure right now there's a lot of things you've buried inside you. I suppressed a lot of anger, more than I ever realized. It took my journey to come to terms with it.

I started this journey a few years ago because a very interesting incentive. My mom had won a trip to New York in a contest. It was exciting! I really wanted to get the most out of that trip so I said to myself I'm going to help myself so that I can make that trip memorable. At first, I remember my brain going numb. It was weird. Just completely numb, like I couldn't even move. Gradually, I started to become more aware of my thoughts and my fears. It took awhile, but I became to uncover a system that, once perfected, could be used to move through my fears easily. It goes like this:

1.) Detach the fear from the thought. Whatever you're afraid of, remove it from what you're thinking because a thought is just that -- a thought. The fear is what's causing that thought to hurt you.

2.) Accept the thoughts and feelings that arise. Let them in, embrace them. It may hurt at first, but you can learn to take it over time.

3.) Move through the fear. Visual imagery really helps here. Imagine wind blowing away the fear in your mind. Always keep that wind blowing. The more you turn up the fan and the longer you keep it on, the more those fears will finally get the hint and move on. This can be one of the strongest tools in your arsenal.

4.) Realize the things you think separate you from the moment can actually bring you back into the moment. Meditation tells you to come back into the present when our mind wanders, but we always freak out when that happens. Let wandering bring you back to yourself. Let it all be one easy transition.

Integration is the key word here. Simultaneously bringing all of these elements together is what helps to get you through those toughest challenges. But it took years for me to get as good as I am at it now.

Other things to remember:

-- You can have control over your brain processing. When you think you're out of control, that's what becomes so hard. I've felt out of control many times and it takes awhile to start believing you can have come control. But I was always a "See it to believe it" kind of person. Finally, I saw it.

-- You can handle the consequences of your mistakes. Our mistakes are what make us think we're useless and awful. One thing that I've learned is that those mistakes are not only okay, but they can happen without us feeling like it's the end of the world. We can take what happens afterwards, good or bad.

-- You can be okay with the both the good and bad parts of yourself. I used to think that being a jerk was wrong. I used to think my opinions were wrong. That my entire being is wrong. If you go through that, you can come out of it realizing you are okay. I have started to like the jerk-y part of myself, but that took a long time.

-- You will have set-backs and those set-backs are part of the journey to move forward. If you really do the things hear and repeat them over and over, your brain chemistry will change. Mine has. And there are times where it feels like you're going backwards, but that's your brain transitioning to a new place. It's weird to say, but those set-backs are part of the journey and just know that they are stepping stones in themselves.

-- You need to accept the fears about your future to lessen their hold over you. I had to accept many difficult things I didn't want to face. I had to accept I wasn't guaranteed happiness, I could live a life completely alone, etc. Lots of things that I didn't want to acknowledge. Once I did, I realize that I could be okay without those things and still want them without fearing I'll never have them.

I have never been on medication for any extended period of time so I can't go into that. But I will say therapy is definitely a great help. If you really want this and you're determined, even if you don't believe right away, a therapist can help you talk about your problems and guide you towards solutions. Sometimes, it's just a great way to vent. Regardless, be as open to therapy as possible. It can be the bridge you need to get to a stronger side of yourself.

I feel for you, INFP. Don't expect yourself to believe in this process right away. Words can only do so much. I just wanted you to see what's possible and to see the mental steps I took to make progress. I've had trouble with other things in my life, but I knew I could work on my brain. That's where you'll see the most progress anyways.

Do what you can, do it often, and just have the desire. You don't have to believe right now; you just have to want it and to try.

Good luck and stay safe!
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
Hi INFP_DoubleDepression! Nice to meet you!

That sounds like a really terrible situation you're in. I'm so sorry to hear that you are suffering like that right now. This Covid-19 thing is just making everything worse.

I didn't believe I could be better either. I've been a pessimist since I was born. I didn't believe in all this positivity stuff one bit. Part of me thinks it's because people that start out positive in life don't know, or forget, what it's like to be negative and don't give the best advice. Or they do, but it just doesn't make sense with more context and specific action steps.

I've really only just recently come out of a very difficult depression that had me in tears almost about every day. It's amazing how when you really start to get deep into yourself your problems seemingly rise to the surface. But that was the only way I could deal with them.

I'm sure right now there's a lot of things you've buried inside you. I suppressed a lot of anger, more than I ever realized. It took my journey to come to terms with it.

I started this journey a few years ago because a very interesting incentive. My mom had won a trip to New York in a contest. It was exciting! I really wanted to get the most out of that trip so I said to myself I'm going to help myself so that I can make that trip memorable. At first, I remember my brain going numb. It was weird. Just completely numb, like I couldn't even move. Gradually, I started to become more aware of my thoughts and my fears. It took awhile, but I became to uncover a system that, once perfected, could be used to move through my fears easily. It goes like this:

1.) Detach the fear from the thought. Whatever you're afraid of, remove it from what you're thinking because a thought is just that -- a thought. The fear is what's causing that thought to hurt you.

2.) Accept the thoughts and feelings that arise. Let them in, embrace them. It may hurt at first, but you can learn to take it over time.

3.) Move through the fear. Visual imagery really helps here. Imagine wind blowing away the fear in your mind. Always keep that wind blowing. The more you turn up the fan and the longer you keep it on, the more those fears will finally get the hint and move on. This can be one of the strongest tools in your arsenal.

4.) Realize the things you think separate you from the moment can actually bring you back into the moment. Meditation tells you to come back into the present when our mind wanders, but we always freak out when that happens. Let wandering bring you back to yourself. Let it all be one easy transition.

Integration is the key word here. Simultaneously bringing all of these elements together is what helps to get you through those toughest challenges. But it took years for me to get as good as I am at it now.

Other things to remember:

-- You can have control over your brain processing. When you think you're out of control, that's what becomes so hard. I've felt out of control many times and it takes awhile to start believing you can have come control. But I was always a "See it to believe it" kind of person. Finally, I saw it.

-- You can handle the consequences of your mistakes. Our mistakes are what make us think we're useless and awful. One thing that I've learned is that those mistakes are not only okay, but they can happen without us feeling like it's the end of the world. We can take what happens afterwards, good or bad.

-- You can be okay with the both the good and bad parts of yourself. I used to think that being a jerk was wrong. I used to think my opinions were wrong. That my entire being is wrong. If you go through that, you can come out of it realizing you are okay. I have started to like the jerk-y part of myself, but that took a long time.

-- You will have set-backs and those set-backs are part of the journey to move forward. If you really do the things hear and repeat them over and over, your brain chemistry will change. Mine has. And there are times where it feels like you're going backwards, but that's your brain transitioning to a new place. It's weird to say, but those set-backs are part of the journey and just know that they are stepping stones in themselves.

-- You need to accept the fears about your future to lessen their hold over you. I had to accept many difficult things I didn't want to face. I had to accept I wasn't guaranteed happiness, I could live a life completely alone, etc. Lots of things that I didn't want to acknowledge. Once I did, I realize that I could be okay without those things and still want them without fearing I'll never have them.

I have never been on medication for any extended period of time so I can't go into that. But I will say therapy is definitely a great help. If you really want this and you're determined, even if you don't believe right away, a therapist can help you talk about your problems and guide you towards solutions. Sometimes, it's just a great way to vent. Regardless, be as open to therapy as possible. It can be the bridge you need to get to a stronger side of yourself.

I feel for you, INFP. Don't expect yourself to believe in this process right away. Words can only do so much. I just wanted you to see what's possible and to see the mental steps I took to make progress. I've had trouble with other things in my life, but I knew I could work on my brain. That's where you'll see the most progress anyways.

Do what you can, do it often, and just have the desire. You don't have to believe right now; you just have to want it and to try.

Good luck and stay safe!
Loki,
Thanks so much for taking the time and care to lay out all the strategies above...reading through this list and being where i am now and having been depressed my whole life (especially acute right now due to wife leaving me, work and financial issues, almost all the stressors weighing down); I can honestly say that everything you've suggested makes sense, but also seems impossible and unreachable. But I have to assume thats the demon depression speaking, along with an embedded and rather fierce resistance to changing, especially changing the way i think...even though i know it is hurting me right now, killing me and taking my life away in many respects....its all I've ever known...i want to try and get better, i just dont know now, and dont know how to be and think other ways. Self defeating i know, gonna have to get past that somehow. Thanks again for all the input though, sincerely appreciated!
 
L

LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
613
Location
United States
Loki,
Thanks so much for taking the time and care to lay out all the strategies above...reading through this list and being where i am now and having been depressed my whole life (especially acute right now due to wife leaving me, work and financial issues, almost all the stressors weighing down); I can honestly say that everything you've suggested makes sense, but also seems impossible and unreachable. But I have to assume thats the demon depression speaking, along with an embedded and rather fierce resistance to changing, especially changing the way i think...even though i know it is hurting me right now, killing me and taking my life away in many respects....its all I've ever known...i want to try and get better, i just dont know now, and dont know how to be and think other ways. Self defeating i know, gonna have to get past that somehow. Thanks again for all the input though, sincerely appreciated!
You're welcome, INFP! That sounds like a lot of incredibly difficult things to deal with! So I'm sending you my encouragement and belief in you even if in your heart, it's lacking. If you have any other questions about steps I've taken, I will try to answer them the best I can.

I know it all looks impossible now. I would have said the same thing in your position. I just had to feel ready because if I wasn't ready, I was never going to do it. You don't need money or other people to work on yourself. I think that's why I wanted to do it so badly. If there were no other financial or physical obstacles to just sitting in my room, talking to myself, and writing down my thoughts, I might as well do it.

You have the time now so I recommend at least identifying whatever is plaguing you. That's probably the first step I should have written earlier because it can be the most difficult.

So, The Real 1.) Identify the fear. There are often layers of these that we're unaware of and getting to the root fear is the most challenging and confusing. But if you can identity what's truly hurting you most, you've got a great start.

Now we're good!😋
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
You're welcome, INFP! That sounds like a lot of incredibly difficult things to deal with! So I'm sending you my encouragement and belief in you even if in your heart, it's lacking. If you have any other questions about steps I've taken, I will try to answer them the best I can.

I know it all looks impossible now. I would have said the same thing in your position. I just had to feel ready because if I wasn't ready, I was never going to do it. You don't need money or other people to work on yourself. I think that's why I wanted to do it so badly. If there were no other financial or physical obstacles to just sitting in my room, talking to myself, and writing down my thoughts, I might as well do it.

You have the time now so I recommend at least identifying whatever is plaguing you. That's probably the first step I should have written earlier because it can be the most difficult.

So, The Real 1.) Identify the fear. There are often layers of these that we're unaware of and getting to the root fear is the most challenging and confusing. But if you can identity what's truly hurting you most, you've got a great start.

Now we're good!😋
Thanks again for the encouragement and advice. At the moment and for the last 2 months, i find myself very much stuck on the pain, rejection, and betrayal of my ex throwing me away after 8 years without so much as a single chance to fix or work on things. I cannot seem to stop the cycle of rumination, regret, anger, self hatred, and overwhelming sense of deeply personal rejection. My brain has always worked in such a way where it will turn a given problem over and over again until i can identify a decent solution of path forward, and in this case i just can find one...so i find myself stuck in this misery, with nothing to latch onto to help me through, since work and money stuff is also in very bad shape. I don't want to be a permanent "wallower" but I just feel trapped in this hell, trapped by my own being and inability to cope, trapped by a disease that wants to destroy me. Some dark stuff i know, but at least i am doing meds and therapy for a couple months now, and havent been laid off and gone bankrupt just yet
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
The pain i am feeling from this loss i csn actually physically feel in my heart and gut, ive been through some dark stuff including inpatient stints, but i have just never felt overwhelming pain like this, and i dont have anywhere to put it
 
L

LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
613
Location
United States
Thanks again for the encouragement and advice. At the moment and for the last 2 months, i find myself very much stuck on the pain, rejection, and betrayal of my ex throwing me away after 8 years without so much as a single chance to fix or work on things. I cannot seem to stop the cycle of rumination, regret, anger, self hatred, and overwhelming sense of deeply personal rejection. My brain has always worked in such a way where it will turn a given problem over and over again until i can identify a decent solution of path forward, and in this case i just can find one...so i find myself stuck in this misery, with nothing to latch onto to help me through, since work and money stuff is also in very bad shape. I don't want to be a permanent "wallower" but I just feel trapped in this hell, trapped by my own being and inability to cope, trapped by a disease that wants to destroy me. Some dark stuff i know, but at least i am doing meds and therapy for a couple months now, and havent been laid off and gone bankrupt just yet
That sounds awful! I've never had a romantic relationship before, but that doesn't mean I can't imagine the pain of loving somebody and them rejecting you. I'm so sorry, INFP! You really could use a hug right now.

The best advice I can give you're already taking which is seeing somebody about your problems. Be as open and honest as possible with them as you have with me. Take their suggestions, do the exercises they recommend, and let them feel your pain. Let yourself feel it too because if you can stand it, you can get through it. Hard to hear that, but it's true.
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
That sounds awful! I've never had a romantic relationship before, but that doesn't mean I can't imagine the pain of loving somebody and them rejecting you. I'm so sorry, INFP! You really could use a hug right now.

The best advice I can give you're already taking which is seeing somebody about your problems. Be as open and honest as possible with them as you have with me. Take their suggestions, do the exercises they recommend, and let them feel your pain. Let yourself feel it too because if you can stand it, you can get through it. Hard to hear that, but it's true.
Loki..not hard to hear, I agree completely, just trying to figure out how to do these things and become someone other than a person defined by my illness, and beholden to it. It's like waking up one day, someone else decides for you that they're going to completely flip your life upside down, and all that's left is you and the demon...and suddenly hes screaming and has more to say and more ammunition than ever before. Yes its a challenge and an opportunity, I'm just terrified of this unknown space of potential wellness, something other than what ive been my whole life, but maybe i am making it larger than it needs to be...maybe if i can just get this demon manageable and the agony of the life i thought i was going to have being taken away by an unworthy mate, maybe thats enough and something to aspire to.
PS I mean no offense or insensitivity by saying this, but you mentioned you have never had a romantic relationship...and for what its worth, i for one envy that at the moment. My opinion is very much biased atm, but i dont feel like the joy and comfort such a relationship can potentially provide is nearly worth the miserable agony of losing it.
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
One of the things i hate most about this disease is that it has a strong tendency to make you unable to see those things you do have, it tries to block you from gratitude...thats one i have to actively fight.
 
L

LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
613
Location
United States
Loki..not hard to hear, I agree completely, just trying to figure out how to do these things and become someone other than a person defined by my illness, and beholden to it. It's like waking up one day, someone else decides for you that they're going to completely flip your life upside down, and all that's left is you and the demon...and suddenly hes screaming and has more to say and more ammunition than ever before. Yes its a challenge and an opportunity, I'm just terrified of this unknown space of potential wellness, something other than what ive been my whole life, but maybe i am making it larger than it needs to be...maybe if i can just get this demon manageable and the agony of the life i thought i was going to have being taken away by an unworthy mate, maybe thats enough and something to aspire to.
PS I mean no offense or insensitivity by saying this, but you mentioned you have never had a romantic relationship...and for what its worth, i for one envy that at the moment. My opinion is very much biased atm, but i dont feel like the joy and comfort such a relationship can potentially provide is nearly worth the miserable agony of losing it.
I'm not offended at all! This person really hurt you and I'm sure if I was in your shoes I'd feel the same way. My fear of being hurt and vulnerable has made me unable to really connect to those of the opposite sex. It's put me at a disadvantage and left me empty and lonely in my own ways. It's like they say "You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't."

And based on the demon you've got in your mind, I'm sure you're feeling damned to a life of unhappiness. I've had voices in my head too, sucking away all the joy, guilting me, and leaving me prisoner knowing things weren't good, but never knowing quite how bad I had it. On one hand, you don't want to burden others with your troubles because you feel like they have a certain tolerance level for your suffering. On the other hand, if you don't say something or find someone to hear you, you're going to explode. With all that going on, you're right, it's hard to be grateful when you feel like this all the time.

I'm not going to tell you to think positive thoughts or to be grateful because other people have it worse. That never helps as much as it could and I personally hate those strategies! So, be with the negative and accept that you're ungrateful right now. That you're unhappy right now. That you're angry right now. That you're pissed off right now. That you're miserable right now. That you feel icky right now. That you probably want to die right now. I'm sure it's all there and more. And as long as you take steps to be okay, or as you were saying, to make it "manageable", you can be okay. It doesn't sound very exciting, but when you finally are able to wake up and not hear voices in your head, when there is peace and quiet, when you can live your days unburdened by your fears, you'll realize you can always be okay if you want to be.
 
I

INFP_DoubleDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
64
Location
Stevensville, MD
Loki, all I can say is WOW! That was one of the most amazing, thoughtful and insightful things i have read! Thank you so much for sharing. I think your overarching point about so much of dealing with these issues being essentially fear based is incredibly poignant. Most of what i am trying to work through, at it's essence, is fear based and my minds engrained reactions to those fears, many of which are based in unhealthy, disease ridden and self destructive patterns of thought and behavior that have accompanied me throughout this strange journey of "existing". Being an idealist, needing a purpose, and holding myself to impossible standards are personality based traits as well, and they feed the beast, so if I really want to get out of this I guess I need to be moving in that direction, whatever that looks like, instead of getting sucked into the black vortex of the disease. Mental issues are just so fascinating, because my disease is not me, and yet it also is, as it is a part of who i am. One of the biggest challenges seems to be knowing and embracing the non diseased areas, and fighting like hell to limit the influence and sway of the ugly, destructive parts.
Thanks again, great convo and much appreciated!
Can only hope that at some point i can give back just a fraction of the solace that so many fine folks on here so willingly and selflessly provide
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
D Positive story of overcoming my severe brain fog and anxiety issues Introduce Yourself 4
H Brain blocker - need help! Introduce Yourself 4
P Stay at Home Mom with Recurring Depression Introduce Yourself 13
D Seeking Understanding Regarding Depression Introduce Yourself 4
J Learning how to use this - persistent depression Introduce Yourself 10
B New member here - addiction and depression Introduce Yourself 6
S New Here - If only I were new to Depression Introduce Yourself 4
P Hi im Paul from Folkestone in UK ..right on seaside 😁 have always suffered depression and looking to chat ..yep bad pic as always Introduce Yourself 22
D Depression? Introduce Yourself 8
B 65 years of depression Introduce Yourself 8
T Depression Introduce Yourself 5
E Depression and PIP Introduce Yourself 3
A trying to quit drinking and get past depression Introduce Yourself 3
P 4 years depression (since I acknowledged it) Introduce Yourself 19
L Hi I've joined as I struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm also supporting my 18yr daughter with an eating disorder. She's in denial. Introduce Yourself 6
ipanema Trying to cope with anxiety and depression Introduce Yourself 3
S Depression bit me at 59 years old Introduce Yourself 5
A Hi There - Psychosis, Depression and Anxiety Introduce Yourself 31
T I am struggling lately due to return of agoraphobia and depression. Introduce Yourself 2
C Any older people who have struggled for decades with depression, anxiety and anger? Introduce Yourself 29
B Depression Introduce Yourself 5
M Hello! Just started my journey with depression *trigger warning Introduce Yourself 5
R Newby- Living with someone who suffers with Anxiety and Depression Introduce Yourself 4
M Partner with depression Introduce Yourself 1
J Hi i am new on this.i suffer from depression.and anger issues Introduce Yourself 6
K Living with depression, OCD, and intrusive thinking Introduce Yourself 1
B Currently suffering from depression/anxiety. Introduce Yourself 5
A Depression Introduce Yourself 1
N Anxiety/ Depression Introduce Yourself 1
M we must win depression Introduce Yourself 12
P Capital d depression Introduce Yourself 1
J My life with depression and anxiety Introduce Yourself 5
S Anxiety/Depression. New to this forum Introduce Yourself 6
A Anxiety? Depression? Both? Im not sure... Introduce Yourself 1
J My name is Jackie I am 55years old and suffer from anxiety and depression. I feel like Im going off my head. Help x Introduce Yourself 35
J Hi , fighting depression wore me out Introduce Yourself 5
M Hi. Bad depression maybe bipolar Introduce Yourself 45
S Mummy with Depression and anxiety Introduce Yourself 2
TheEagle15 New guy with Schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, and Autism Introduce Yourself 9
E ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, Loneliness, and Suicidal Introduce Yourself 4
T Dating someone with depression. Introduce Yourself 3
B hatred,depression,family Introduce Yourself 5
F Concern My 17 year old son with depression Introduce Yourself 2
A Hi! Anxiety and Depression sufferer, slowly getting by Introduce Yourself 3

Similar threads

Top