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BPD spiral advice please

S

Searchinghope

New member
Joined
Jan 10, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Uk
Hi all,

Firstly apologies for the long post. There is a fair bit to go over and I may type too much. Sorry if I talk about the marriage too much and not focus on the BPD traits, but I think it helps paint a picture. The long and short of it is that my wife is suffering with her BPD and is getting worse on a daily basis and I am after some advice:

Our story,

My wife and I have been together for 15 years. About 10 years ago she was diagnosed with BPD. She took medication for this for quite some time. About 6 years ago she managed to use the local metal health service to access group therapy which I believe used mentalization based therapy (MBT). She attended this for a number of months and after learning the skills associated was able to come off of her medication. She felt she was in a good place and able to manage her emotions and the other traits involved. The other day in a discussion she went as far as saying she was cured, but as we know this disorder needs managing.

Over the next few years there are a few flair-ups lets say that required her to call on her learnt coping skills but these issues were overcome. We are a very loving couple and tell each other multiple times a day that we love each other and stay in contact throughout the day even when at work.

Fast forward to 2019 and this is where things have started to go downhill. We had bought our house the year previous and we were enjoying finally owning our own home. The stress of owning a new home and work related stress affected my own mental health and I began to become paranoid, depressed and full of anxiety at the smallest of things with the house. Without realising I had began to show my wife less affection, this continued throughout the year. My wife spoke with me a few times about this and I improved but it soon waned each time as my own issues didn't allow for me to experience hers. I applied for counselling through my work to figure this out as I love my wife with all my heart and wanted to know why this was happening. This application process took a long time as wasn't considered a crisis. Obviously throughout this time her feeling of abandonment were heightened unknowingly to me. We both began to drink excessively, me (unaware/unable to acknowledge my own issues) looked at it as if we were just unwinding and having fun. On the face of it it appeared my wife was doing the same, but in reality it was her falling further in to her BPD. In October she went away with a friend of a long weekend to the beach. On her return the children met her from the door with big hugs and kisses and I said hello and sat on the sofa. This was just me being a little jealous as we don't get to go away together and just being a bit silly. This I believe was the trigger for what is happening now. This is the point that she began a diet. Which developed in to a control based eating disorder.

From October to the beginning of December we continued as normal, having a few drinks together after work and hanging out. All the time she was feeling worse and worse and in my non-sober mind I did not see. Then one night when I arrived home from work my wife sat me down full of emotion and she told me the marriage wasn't working and she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me any more. We discussed reasons behind it such as our drinking and the lack of affection. That night I stopped the drinking and chased up the counselling as I now had a crisis I could reference to get the help required. Its now been 42 days since my last drink! I really wanted to prove that she is special and does deserve to feel loved.

One week later we sat and had another discussion. This time she said that the marriage was over. I pleaded that we try marriage counselling, for ourselves to get back to where we were and for the children and family as a whole. She told me she would think about it. She at this point had lost a lot more weight. She was referred by her doctor to the local mental health team to try and get further referred to the team that had helped her with the MBT. During this assessment she opened up about self harming, her eating disorder, extreme guilt/shame, suicidal thoughts and unknown to me at the time a short affair that was now taking over as a full time relationship (completely out of character as has always been a family person). Unfortunately (I'm assuming due to funding) the team was unable to refer her back to the therapy she knows worked for her and was only able to offer her wellbeing counselling which has a long waiting list and she believes will not be beneficial.

Christmas happened. She spent a lot of time with her friends and drinking at this time (as you would after a break up). I spent time worrying about her health, reading online and trying to figure out how I can help her. Also trying to process the situation as a whole.

Another week passed and she informed me that she did not want to pursue marriage counselling and the marriage was 100% over. At this point she was drinking a lot and taking the diazepam prescribed by the mental health team as she was struggling to function due to extreme feelings of guilt, shame and sadness. At this point she was still not eating other than maybe an apple or 2 a day. Her feeling of guilt and shame seemed extreme and she was so upset with how much she had hurt me with this decision and how damaging it could be for the kids.

New years happened. She spent a lot of time with friends drinking during this time (as you would after a break up). I spent time worrying about her health, reading online and trying to figure out how I can help her. Also trying to process the situation as a whole.

We now get to this week. I returned home from work on Monday and she is being protective of her phone. Looking at it in passing I see that the website she is protecting is a swinging website and I see her username. I know it was wrong but I knew something wasn't right so I joined the site to view the profile to validate my suspicions. It turns out that her and what is now her boyfriend were looking for other people to join them in bed (again very out of character, especially they had only been in the physical part of their relationship for 2 weeks.). As we know this type of dangerous sexual choice is a bpd trait. Obviously in shock we had a discussion around this and I asked her to stay somewhere else for the time being and I also asked if she was sure that she was willing to give up her home, marriage and possible health of the kids for a man (who lives with his mother by the way) she has only known for 2 months and has only been intimate with for 2 weeks. She said yes. At this point I think she has rather black and white thinking as she is in love with this new love interest and views him as a kind of Jesus figure where he can do no wrong and will save her. Whereas I am creating negative feeling when I am near her due to the shame she is feeling for the situation.

She stayed with friends for a couple of days and every time I heard from her she appears to be even more disconnected, this is possibly due to the lack of energy from not eating or the diazepam she has been taking to help take the edge off or the general situation.

She returned to the house yesterday. On her return and once the kids were in bed she began pacing up and down the kitchen, panicking with wide open eyes, shaking and crying. A bit like a panic attack but this was something else. She continued through to the dining room and collapsed on the floor in the corner of the room sobbing. I reassured her and said I would do anything I can to help get her the treatment she needs. We talked in to the night about the issues she has been having and the rejection she is feeling from the seeming unwillingness to get her the treatment plan she needed. In retrospect the assessment team said that they believed this to be a transient issue, so no intense therapy required. But they were wrong. I asked her if the new boyfriend has been helping, but unfortunately he cannot get his head around BPD so he has been unable to help her in any meaningful way. We discussed how possibly this man is quite possibly not her 'rest of life partner' due to the way they started their relationship, his prospects and his less than perfect reputation in the local area. She seemed completely shocked by the idea that this new relationship may not last forever and that she has given up what she had for a gamble. This may explain what happened today.

Today I believe I have noticed even more hypersexual traits manifesting as talking/snapping with men on snapchat and caught a glimpse of her scars from her self harm. I contacted a few support services over the phone today and ended up discussing the situation with a paramedic clinical adviser who suggested I contact the original assessment team and provide further information from myself as a third party, making it clear that this has started to get worse tenfold since she visited and that this is most certainly not just a transient issue and has been building up over the year. It is just that now it is spiralling faster out of control. I spoke to her today briefly on the phone with the information obtained from the clinical advisor asking for her permission to contact the assessment team as I wouldn't want to betray her trust and talk to them without discussing with her first. She declined and informed me that she will try a local counsellor that knows a little about BPD but does not specialise. I want to respect her wishes but also think that if I was to talk with the assessment team maybe they will rethink the care plan and set her up to attend the MBT she knows worked for her.

I know she ended things with me a few weeks ago now, but I love this woman and have been supporting her for 15 years and I can't stop now. I don't want anyone to think I am attempting to help in a weird last attempt to win her back, I am not. If this other relationship is what she wants then that is that. I just want to make sure she is well as I hate to see her like this and am worried she will end up completely lost in hospital or dead. With the additional traits adding up every time we talk this appears to be spiralling out of control as if she is falling down a deep hole but has yet to hit bottom. She has a great support network of friends around her but unfortunately they do not understand BPD to the extent to help other than being there for her providing hugs and positive words (which she certainly needs).

I am at a loss what to do to help my lovely girl and need some advice. Firstly I know I am suffering myself with the shock of the break up and related revelations and am dealing with my own problems. So I may be looking at different parts of the situation and pinning them to her diagnosis as a way to cope myself. Does this seem like a BPD spiral? Is she is crisis? Or is this part of a normal break up of a long term relationship? Or both?

Secondly, with my problems with finding help and getting my wife to agree to the treatments, what options are there for me? Can anyone suggest how I can support her through this that can have a positive outcome for her, without her falling further down the rabbit hole?

Any help or constructive comments would be very appreciated. I'm at my wits end and I am so scared for her as every feeling in her head is 100% real and she is in immense pain. I just want her to feel normal again.

Many thanks

SearchingHope
 
Cosmic_Horror

Cosmic_Horror

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
6
Location
Chile
Hello, maybe this will sound harsh, but I feel like you're making all these efforts for her while ignoring completely your own needs and feelings, and that's quite unhealthy.

She's a grown up woman, and even having bpd, she and only she is responsible for her decisions. Trying to overcome a crisis is way more complex than just going to seek help for a therapist or talk several hours about what's making her feel that way. It's a long and painful process; feeling unlovable and abandoned are ones of the biggest "monsters" of us bp people. And even having supporting people around, the dark cloud won't walk away until she puts her will to actually improve her life.
As a bp person going through a splitting crisis, I would suggest you to give her time and maybe walk away definitely. That relationship looks super toxic to me and I'm really concerned about your own mental health.
 
S

Searchinghope

New member
Joined
Jan 10, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Uk
Thanks for reply and it doesn't sound harsh at all.

She is responsible for her own decisions I agree but when these decisions are having such a negative impact on innocent parties helping her through this should help everyone in the long run.

I understand about my own health and how this could be affected by everything that has/is happening. It is a quite heightened by work schedules and that my wife is out with her new man most of the time leaving me to care for the children and deal with their confusion and pain from what in unfolding in front of them. But whilst saying that I am now in regular counselling as stated above and have been spending a lot of time on myself. These are all fresh scars as you can imagine and will take a long time to heal.

I am searching for ways to help someone who is struggling to help themselves whilst working on myself and looking after my family.

Thanks again for your reply.
 
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