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Bpd outburst last night really bad and now I feel terrible

T

TicToc

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I had a serious outburst last night ...I turned to drinking to try and quell my emptiness but it just escalated and now I think my husband hates me and is going to leave or find someone who doesn't have bpd and is better than me .

I have fits of extreme rage and smashed the house up last night and I don't know what to do anymore . My husband doesn't seem to understand my condition and just thinks I'm a horrible person im sure of it .

I never believe a word he says I'm ALWAYS suspicious of him and that he's cheating on me ... Does anybody else have this or any coping mechanisms when episodes occur. I can't be like this anymore I'm going to lose my family and I don't want that.

I also feel like my husband is only with me for our son ....he seems very disinterested in me (and I don't blame him from my recent behaviour) but I don't know whether to stay or to leave I'm so confused angry and upset all of the time

Any advice xx
 
E

Empish

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Hi,
Do your episodes happen to coincide with your menstrual cycle. The week before your period is the time most likely you'll get PMT?
 
T

TicToc

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Hi,
Do your episodes happen to coincide with your menstrual cycle. The week before your period is the time most likely you'll get PMT?
They get alot worse with PMT ....I've been having episodes on a weekly basis ATM it's a serious struggle
 
BoutonLune

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I just read a couple of your other posts, so can see you have started meds. Drinking definitely is going to make it a lot harder for you. It may well interfere with the effectiveness of your medication too.

Are getting any support from mental health in your area? Therapy etc? That could really help you. I know a lot of people mention DBT ( Dialectical behaviour therapy). It is specifically designed to treat people with BPD.

There are other options too. But I don't know what is available for you in your country.

Sorry you are going through a tough time right now. It must be really stressful and upsetting worrying about losing your husband and family :hug:
 
T

TicToc

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I'm currently taking oxazapam and zyprexa ...the first medication is sos but I seem to be in sos everyday ATM . I have an appointment at the end of the month with a psychiatrist which I think they will probably recommend dbt and hopefully I'll get some support. Thank you for your message
 
T

TicToc

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I'm currently taking oxazapam and zyprexa ...the first medication is sos but I seem to be in sos everyday ATM . I have an appointment at the end of the month with a psychiatrist which I think they will probably recommend dbt and hopefully I'll get some support. Thank you for your message its really nice o talk with people who understand x
 
BoutonLune

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I'm currently taking oxazapam and zyprexa ...the first medication is sos but I seem to be in sos everyday ATM . I have an appointment at the end of the month with a psychiatrist which I think they will probably recommend dbt and hopefully I'll get some support. Thank you for your message
That is good. I think it is going to be the best way to help you learn how to cope with your triggers etc.

Is it possible to discuss it with your husband when you are both in a relatively calm mood? Allowing you to explain how much you need the therapy to help you deal with it. That you are trying and are engaging with your support but have to wait for it to become available to you.

This might help put your mind at ease about him not leaving. Also it could help him see that it may not be this way always in the future. And that it is a very real illness.

Or is he not open to this type of discussion?
 
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Empish

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They get alot worse with PMT ....I've been having episodes on a weekly basis ATM it's a serious struggle
Ok. I have a food intolerance to tannin which I only discovered about 5 years ago. Up until that point I had been suffering from social anxiety and social phobia for about 25 years. I also a terrible time controlling anger and still do if I eat foods that contain tannin. Other food intolerances can also cause mood swings, I believe gluten does too. Food intolerances can interfere with your cognitive abilities including controlling emotions. Maybe you could look into that.
 
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TicToc

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Ok. I have a food intolerance to tannin which I only discovered about 5 years ago. Up until that point I had been suffering from social anxiety and social phobia for about 25 years. I also a terrible time controlling anger and still do if I eat foods that contain tannin. Other food intolerances can also cause mood swings, I believe gluten does too. Food intolerances can interfere with your cognitive abilities including controlling emotions. Maybe you could look into that.
Thank you I have had some gluten issues but I wouldn't have realised the two coincide if you hadn't of mentioned it
 
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MYTIMEHASCOME

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Thank you I have had some gluten issues but I wouldn't have realised the two coincide if you hadn't of mentioned it
I have BPD and I don’t know how to make it better but I just wanted to say you are not alone! And also I think the advice others have given are good ones, also don’t forget we tend to overthink and see things in black and white so maybe you’re husband doesn’t hate you maybe he’s just concerned about the person he loves - speak to him! You’re taking medication you have an appointment you’re trying to get better :hug:
 
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TicToc

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I have BPD and I don’t know how to make it better but I just wanted to say you are not alone! And also I think the advice others have given are good ones, also don’t forget we tend to overthink and see things in black and white so maybe you’re husband doesn’t hate you maybe he’s just concerned about the person he loves - speak to him! You’re taking medication you have an appointment you’re trying to get better :hug:
It's so difficult for me to come to terms with . I put him on a pedestal and he is my world ....my biggest problem is my fear of abandonment and he's my person . We have so much love to give and need that love back just a little bit more but I think he's reached the end o his tether . It's a vicious cycle ...I feel like he would be happier with someone normal ....not me and even though he tells me he loves me everyday I struggle to feel loved . I'm sorry to vent but I cant talk to him anymore it's almost like he doesn't want to know about what I'm thinking or feeling ....it's just getting dismissed and those are now his boundaries .....would I be better off in a relationship with someone else who has BPD and understands what it's like ?
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

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It's so difficult for me to come to terms with . I put him on a pedestal and he is my world ....my biggest problem is my fear of abandonment and he's my person . We have so much love to give and need that love back just a little bit more but I think he's reached the end o his tether . It's a vicious cycle ...I feel like he would be happier with someone normal ....not me and even though he tells me he loves me everyday I struggle to feel loved . I'm sorry to vent but I cant talk to him anymore it's almost like he doesn't want to know about what I'm thinking or feeling ....it's just getting dismissed and those are now his boundaries .....would I be better off in a relationship with someone else who has BPD and understands what it's like ?
I get it he’s your favourite person! We all know that feeling, I agree we have so much love to give but I think therein lies the problem for us we give so much we expect that level of love back and it’s unrealistic I personally feel like I love but I can’t feel it back and it’s because I give so much I go thats what love feels like so unless I get that back it feels like people don’t love me the only person I didn’t feel that with was my mum and that’s coz a mother’s love is unconditional you can never have that again :( so maybe it’s not that he doesn’t love you maybe it’s you don’t think he does because you love him a whole heap more because of your bpd! Does that make sense?
I feel like a lot of how you feel is black and white thinking like if he’s being quiet it’s coz he hates you etc but in reality it could be something else! You’d need to speak to him to find out otherwise you’ll always be guessing and that causes more problems!

it’s okay to vent on here that’s what forums are for anonymous sharing of problems we can’t share with those we know and love for fear of causing them upset or worry or of feeling misunderstood ... vent away fellow bpd amigo! :hug:

would you be happier with another person with bpd? I’m not sure I’ve never seen a relationship where both people are bpd? I think the issue is even if someone with bpd could relate we are quite unforgiving in our thought process so you’d still Trigger each other and because the reaction is an emotional one neither one of you in the moment would go - “if I leave Bettys fear of abandonment will be triggered” it’s more likely that they’ll go this person shouted at me I hate them now fuck this and slam the door shut - that’s what I think anyway like I said I’ve never seen two people with bpd in a relationship ... imagine if there was an argument though 😳😬 scary! Bpd rage x 2 and you’re just constantly ramping up because both peoples emotions would go through the roof - would it get to an argument point though 🤔 I dunno - interesting question! X
 
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TicToc

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I completely understand exactly what you mean in regards to love !! What you said has made perfect sense to me ....we just love different and when our expections of that are not met we spiral and are susceptible to triggers more I guess ??

Yes I am very black and white when it comes to it ....or I always say all or nothing with me !! Do you experience this also?

I must admit you made me smile with the comment about two BPD partners having an argument !! It would be rather explosive to say the least 😆

Thank you for the message ...you have said some very thought provoking things and I'm feeling a little better 😊
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

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I completely understand exactly what you mean in regards to love !! What you said has made perfect sense to me ....we just love different and when our expections of that are not met we spiral and are susceptible to triggers more I guess ??

Yes I am very black and white when it comes to it ....or I always say all or nothing with me !! Do you experience this also?

I must admit you made me smile with the comment about two BPD partners having an argument !! It would be rather explosive to say the least 😆

Thank you for the message ...you have said some very thought provoking things and I'm feeling a little better 😊
exactly imagine if you love someone intensely and your giving Them everything and a regular person would be like “I love you too” which is normal tor them but to you it feels like nothing because of your experience of showing love! If that’s love to you and you get less than that you’re going to feel like they don’t love you! Love is our Gift but also causes us pain 🙄🥺

oh I’m massively all or nothing with everything thoughts / food / gambling / drinking / friendship / / sex and like if I feel like someone hates me I’ll be like they hate me now so I never want to speak to them again (because if someone you hate hates you who cares right? It hurts less!) the only thing I’m not all or nothing on is love it’s just all even when I ‘hate’ people I don’t really I love them but saying I hate them makes it feel less painful it I think they hate me but as soon as I realise they don’t I bombard them with love again.

explosive is an understatement 😂 there would defo be a police and ambulance presence ... possibly a crime scene team 🤭

I’m glad you feel a little better! 🙌🏻🤗 listen to queen - too much love will kill you, I love that song ... it speaks to my bpd! 🌈🤗
 
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TicToc

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Quite a few of your coping strategies there rang true for me too .....it's nice to be able to relate and feel understood !!

May I vent again - I think my partner is cheating on me constantly ....this may sound quite out there but I've seen signs that indicate that he is ....marks in the car / hand and face prints on the walls to n our house ....hearing voices at night - it's always a woman who sounds like she's on loudspeaker on a phone . I think he hides devices in pillows .....I think he's been meeting up with someone at our friends house when he says that he is working there
.....I know it sounds out there but I dont have any hard evidence so to speak just him telling me that I'm crazy or is this another symptom and trigger of my condition ? I need help ....as it is ruining my relationship .
 
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