BPD new here and having a tough time

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Tillyalfie

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#1
Mom passed last month .. feeling rough bout that as I’d not spoke to her for nearly two months prior to her emergency hospital admnittance.
Also just had an explosive wknd where I have verbally attacked and lost 3 friends in one evening .. struggle to hold onto people .. feeling fragile drinking too much .. but been to GP today gonna get me off cirtraline and try something else any suggestions or recommendations of meds that have worked ?? Welcomed
 
calypso

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#2
I am so sorry to hear about your mother. It is always a terrible time when we lose our mothers. Remember that she lives on in you. I have lost both my parents so fully understand that you are grieving big time. Hold on and go with the roller coaster of emotions as you go through the grief. It is almost physically painful isn't it?

As for tablets, I would suggest that ifyou want to go down that line, Mirtazepine has a sedative component which helps to get you some much needed sleep. YOu take it at night time. I am unsure about medication with grief but that is between you and your doctor. Take care of yourself and don't worry about your friends, they will understand if you apologise, or they weren't much good as friends to start with.
 
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Tillyalfie

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#4
I’ve dismantled a lot of relationships over the past few yrs .. I’m responsible .. but .. feeling a bit out of control where I hate everyone
 
ScaredCat

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#5
Hi:welcome:to the forum. So sorry you have lost your mother. And about your friends. I know you say you have dismantled relationships in the past but feel they could understand given what you are dealing with
 
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Tillyalfie

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#6
My mother always denied that dad hit me and her .. I’d imagined it all ..
even as an adult after I’d atemmoted suicide several times she denied my childhood of physical abuse
Friends boys friend currently embroiled in gossip about drug dealing .. I’ve confronted her dnds she’s denied it
And made me feel gossiped and ride .. I believe it is true
 
Mayflower7

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#7
Hi Tilly,
Welcome to the forum
I'm ever so sorry for the loss of your mother, sorry about your friends too.
We're here to listen and support you.
Have you thought about having any counselling for the abuse you suffered.
Hope you feel better really soon.
Take care
 
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Tillyalfie

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#8
I’ve had counciling before .. but never felt any closure but I’m definitely getting worse .Im a person that pushes people away all the time .��now my birthday is here and I’ve lost my friends
 
Groot

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#9
Welcome Tillyalfie. New here myself.

Sorry about your mom's passing. I may lose mine soon too, and I'm not coping well with that.

As for meds.. have no advice to offer. My last therapist said they're not effective for treating BPD. Hope you can patch things up with friends. Years ago I lost a few, while lashing out my pain. And usually drunk.
 
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Tillyalfie

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#10
I’m drinking a lot disappointing considering that’s how my dad died .. but can’t seem to stop myself
 
Groot

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#11
I’m drinking a lot disappointing considering that’s how my dad died .. but can’t seem to stop myself
I do understand. Probably how I'll die too, and I'm probably your dad's age.

The borderline / alcoholic story usually reads something like this...

Psychosis... hallucinations... paranoid delusions. Self-harm. Blackouts and blind rages. Lashing out at family, friends, and strangers. Often followed by terrible guilt and shame, humiliation, and more self-harm. More drinking. More fights, and cops, and county jails, more self-harm, straight jackets and padded cells. Numerous court appearances. Unemployed. Evicted. Homeless. More drinking, and drugs. Overdose and ER, on life support. Wild reckless behavior, daring death to take you. Car crashes... and wondering how the hell you wound up swimming through an alligator infested swamp, somewhere in South Carolina, hiding from the cops, barking K-9 dogs trying to track your scent. Stomped down hard and hog tied by police, Injected with heavy sedatives while screaming at the world and handcuffed to a hospital bed. etc..etc..

Well, at least that's how my story goes. I'm curious if that is also your father's story, and your story too. I'm wondering if bpd and alcoholism are genetic hereditary afflictions.

You may be in a very dark place Tilly, thinking you don't care what happens to you. I don't care so much what happens to me either. I've had seizures and have been pissing blood lately. Not a good sign. But I really don't care.

But let's just say I care about you, as one borderline alcoholic to another. Let's say I feel your pain. Let's say you're not the bad and worthless person you probably see yourself as. The bad and worthless person other people have probably told you that you are.

Let's say you are a beautiful person to me. Does that help at all? Or are you past the point of no return?
 
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Tillyalfie

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#12
Groot
Really .. you gotta get help with the drinking ..I told my dad that several times, he ended up in jail at 60 for rape !
My son tells me Uk get help too
I will try .. I will go to the dr I will finds meds that stabilise my mood ..
please try too ��
 
Groot

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#13
Groot
Really .. you gotta get help with the drinking ..I told my dad that several times, he ended up in jail at 60 for rape !
My son tells me Uk get help too
I will try .. I will go to the dr I will finds meds that stabilise my mood ..
please try too ��
Ehm Tilly, I might be a delusional alcoholic but I'm no Rapist. Not unless Femininsts get their way, which means.... If a drunk man sleeps with an even drunker woman he meets at a pub,, and she passes out during sex, and the man doesn't pull out of her garage or driveway immediately and speed off, if you get what I mean.... or if she wakes up the next morning and forgets or regrets her decision to invite the man over to her place to share her bed ... that would be considered RAPE under Feminazi Law. I'm curious if that's what happened to your dad.
 
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Groot

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#14
Groot
Really .. you gotta get help with the drinking ..I told my dad that several times, he ended up in jail at 60 for rape !
My son tells me Uk get help too
I will try .. I will go to the dr I will finds meds that stabilise my mood ..
please try too ��
"GET HELP" ... she says.

Probably the most absurd words I've ever heard.

Of course the people who say that, are assuming one CAN "get help".
When quite often one can NOT "get help". Not the kind of CO$TLY help they require. Rehab. Any idea how much Rehab Facilities cost? No? Rehab costs A LOT. Usually One month, 30 days in Rehab costs more than the average alcoholic earns in 300 freakin years. At least in America anyway. Dunno about UK.

No, only Hollywood movie stars, or politicians, Only the rich and famous can afford THAT kind of help.
 
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Tillyalfie

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#15
She was a bankrupt coke whore ..
that saw an opportunity.. no DNA evidence to support her claim .. just s drunk guy that couldn’t remember his statement ����
 
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Tillyalfie

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#16
You see Hollywood types in expensive Rehabs all the time for months at a time .. what do they do come out and get done for DWI ..
so no big fancy rehab is the answer .. the answer is in the mirror looking back at you .. it’s you ..
 
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Tillyalfie

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#17
My dad ran s bar / B&B .. and this woman was a colleague of my sis .. that got wasted and stayed the night for free cheap hoe .. my dad ends up having to go check on her her married boyfriend had just dumped her , her husband left her .. and she thought .. maybe I’ll get some attention the next day
 
Groot

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#18
She was a bankrupt coke whore ..
that saw an opportunity.. no DNA evidence to support her claim .. just s drunk guy that couldn’t remember his statement ����
No DNA evidence. No witnesses. "He said / She said" scenario... should mean the rape charges were dismissed. Yes, No? How long was your dad in jail?
 
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Tillyalfie

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#19
Nope he got 5 yrs
Got out out after 2because his health was failing .. wrecked us as a family .. my poor mother .. my sister who left the woman there ..
I’m deeply angry about all of it ..on top of my BPD .. that just put me into a depression I struggled with still
 
Groot

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#20
Tilly Whatever happened isn't your fault. Although I do understand borderlines. We harshly punish ourselves for everything bad and wrong with the entire fkn Universe. Do we not? When we see other people... people we Love, in pain, we hurt ourselves as if to make a sacrifice or offering to the gods. As if our personal pain and suffering will somehow fix whatever is bad and wrong with the world. Or maybe that's just me...
 
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