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BPD IS SNEAKY

B

Bigfoot

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Jan 31, 2021
Messages
20
Location
San Luis Obispo
There has been much said about BPD from scholarly sources; I’d like to articulate my views on this disorder from the perspective of a patient who has lived it. There are three main components to this disorder that work interactively with one another: emotional dysregulation, insecurity, and identity disturbance.

When you experience emotional dysregulation, you notice it. As a kid, I noticed that other kids seemed sort of deadpan to me. And in many ways the world seemed indifferent. But I reasoned to myself that I was just more alive or more caring than they were. I didn’t realize I was on an emotional roller coaster. I would experience euphoria sometimes and pure sadness later.. But often it manifests itself in more subtle and complex ways. For example, you will be completely engaged in something for a week, then you wake up one day and you lose all interest in the activity and will even tell yourself that it was just a waste of time. So, either you experience intense emotions that you find justifications for or you find yourself having a hard time being consistent because your emotions change and they cause a cycle of negative thoughts, and even once you’re aware that you have a mental problem, it can be extremely difficult to function with all of this going on inside you.

The thing about insecurity is that you’re not aware that you are. Even if you do feel upset about rejection or worry about a relationship ending, you’re never really aware of what’s really causing your insecurity. It’s like you made a judgement about yourself as a child, and this judgement turned into an unconscious belief that you can feel but can’t know. You’re not consciously aware that you have no sense of worth. It’s hidden in your brain and emotions guard it. It’s easier to feel angry than it is to feel sad. But this whole process happens automatically without your consent and happens at a faster rate than you can consciously process information.

I think identity disturbance is at the root of what it is to be BPD. As a child, you oscillate back and forth between fear and anger. As this occurs your thoughts shift back and forth along with your emotions. So, you start splitting the world into distinct categories. And you do this to yourself as well. Now that you’ve split yourself into two, you become a contradiction to yourself. Are you the person full of energy and positive thinking, or are you a sad, negative person that thinks you’re a loser ? Your sense of self becomes ambiguous to you. For me, I spent a lot of time analyzing other people trying to find out what on earth a self was. I felt like different people, but looking at others they had a consistency to their personality that I lacked. For some reason, I thought knowing yourself was an image that you could “see” in your mind. Later, I discovered it. Knowing yourself is an intuition; you can feel it. It will grow in time if you discover it. And along with it all of the cognitive distortions and feelings of emptiness will fade.

Your greatest weapon in dealing with BPD in my opinion is authenticity. I spent many years convincing myself that I was fine. And I’m convinced that this is a developmental issue. My cognitive faculties were hijacked by trauma and my reaction to it stayed with me. And this prevented me from emotional development so that I could learn and grow.
 
HiImAnn

HiImAnn

Active member
Joined
Jan 15, 2021
Messages
35
Location
Minnesota
There has been much said about BPD from scholarly sources; I’d like to articulate my views on this disorder from the perspective of a patient who has lived it. There are three main components to this disorder that work interactively with one another: emotional dysregulation, insecurity, and identity disturbance.

When you experience emotional dysregulation, you notice it. As a kid, I noticed that other kids seemed sort of deadpan to me. And in many ways the world seemed indifferent. But I reasoned to myself that I was just more alive or more caring than they were. I didn’t realize I was on an emotional roller coaster. I would experience euphoria sometimes and pure sadness later.. But often it manifests itself in more subtle and complex ways. For example, you will be completely engaged in something for a week, then you wake up one day and you lose all interest in the activity and will even tell yourself that it was just a waste of time. So, either you experience intense emotions that you find justifications for or you find yourself having a hard time being consistent because your emotions change and they cause a cycle of negative thoughts, and even once you’re aware that you have a mental problem, it can be extremely difficult to function with all of this going on inside you.

The thing about insecurity is that you’re not aware that you are. Even if you do feel upset about rejection or worry about a relationship ending, you’re never really aware of what’s really causing your insecurity. It’s like you made a judgement about yourself as a child, and this judgement turned into an unconscious belief that you can feel but can’t know. You’re not consciously aware that you have no sense of worth. It’s hidden in your brain and emotions guard it. It’s easier to feel angry than it is to feel sad. But this whole process happens automatically without your consent and happens at a faster rate than you can consciously process information.

I think identity disturbance is at the root of what it is to be BPD. As a child, you oscillate back and forth between fear and anger. As this occurs your thoughts shift back and forth along with your emotions. So, you start splitting the world into distinct categories. And you do this to yourself as well. Now that you’ve split yourself into two, you become a contradiction to yourself. Are you the person full of energy and positive thinking, or are you a sad, negative person that thinks you’re a loser ? Your sense of self becomes ambiguous to you. For me, I spent a lot of time analyzing other people trying to find out what on earth a self was. I felt like different people, but looking at others they had a consistency to their personality that I lacked. For some reason, I thought knowing yourself was an image that you could “see” in your mind. Later, I discovered it. Knowing yourself is an intuition; you can feel it. It will grow in time if you discover it. And along with it all of the cognitive distortions and feelings of emptiness will fade.

Your greatest weapon in dealing with BPD in my opinion is authenticity. I spent many years convincing myself that I was fine. And I’m convinced that this is a developmental issue. My cognitive faculties were hijacked by trauma and my reaction to it stayed with me. And this prevented me from emotional development so that I could learn and grow.
I'm so happy you could sum up what I've been thinking to myself everyday. I'm developmentally slow, even though my grades are fine. I just dont have a personality like other people have a personality. I'd convince myself of the worst and all I could do is cope with it. I'm so happy I can label and, with help from people like you understand my illness
Lately I've been thinking that something aweful happened to me real young, but none of that matters as long progress is possible.thank you Bigfoot!
 
L

lemontree

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
74
Location
Home
Knowing yourself is an intuition; you can feel it. It will grow in time if you discover it. And along with it all of the cognitive distortions and feelings of emptiness will fade.
I like the rest of what you wrote but I'm not sure I agree with this. Personally I still get these feelings even though I feel I have a good sense of self now, although I am still fairly young so that could change. My friend however, he's almost 50 and has a great sense of self but suffers immensely from feelings of emptiness.

This is incredibly well written though, you're very succinct in your delivery. It's always interesting to know how others think of our disorder, knowing that so many professionals still have a view tainted with stigma
 
B

Bigfoot

Member
Joined
Jan 31, 2021
Messages
20
Location
San Luis Obispo
In psychology, there is a distinction between the existential self and the categorical self. Assuming we're talking about the former, self is an intuitive concept.
 
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