B
Bigfoot
Member
There has been much said about BPD from scholarly sources; I’d like to articulate my views on this disorder from the perspective of a patient who has lived it. There are three main components to this disorder that work interactively with one another: emotional dysregulation, insecurity, and identity disturbance.
When you experience emotional dysregulation, you notice it. As a kid, I noticed that other kids seemed sort of deadpan to me. And in many ways the world seemed indifferent. But I reasoned to myself that I was just more alive or more caring than they were. I didn’t realize I was on an emotional roller coaster. I would experience euphoria sometimes and pure sadness later.. But often it manifests itself in more subtle and complex ways. For example, you will be completely engaged in something for a week, then you wake up one day and you lose all interest in the activity and will even tell yourself that it was just a waste of time. So, either you experience intense emotions that you find justifications for or you find yourself having a hard time being consistent because your emotions change and they cause a cycle of negative thoughts, and even once you’re aware that you have a mental problem, it can be extremely difficult to function with all of this going on inside you.
The thing about insecurity is that you’re not aware that you are. Even if you do feel upset about rejection or worry about a relationship ending, you’re never really aware of what’s really causing your insecurity. It’s like you made a judgement about yourself as a child, and this judgement turned into an unconscious belief that you can feel but can’t know. You’re not consciously aware that you have no sense of worth. It’s hidden in your brain and emotions guard it. It’s easier to feel angry than it is to feel sad. But this whole process happens automatically without your consent and happens at a faster rate than you can consciously process information.
I think identity disturbance is at the root of what it is to be BPD. As a child, you oscillate back and forth between fear and anger. As this occurs your thoughts shift back and forth along with your emotions. So, you start splitting the world into distinct categories. And you do this to yourself as well. Now that you’ve split yourself into two, you become a contradiction to yourself. Are you the person full of energy and positive thinking, or are you a sad, negative person that thinks you’re a loser ? Your sense of self becomes ambiguous to you. For me, I spent a lot of time analyzing other people trying to find out what on earth a self was. I felt like different people, but looking at others they had a consistency to their personality that I lacked. For some reason, I thought knowing yourself was an image that you could “see” in your mind. Later, I discovered it. Knowing yourself is an intuition; you can feel it. It will grow in time if you discover it. And along with it all of the cognitive distortions and feelings of emptiness will fade.
Your greatest weapon in dealing with BPD in my opinion is authenticity. I spent many years convincing myself that I was fine. And I’m convinced that this is a developmental issue. My cognitive faculties were hijacked by trauma and my reaction to it stayed with me. And this prevented me from emotional development so that I could learn and grow.
When you experience emotional dysregulation, you notice it. As a kid, I noticed that other kids seemed sort of deadpan to me. And in many ways the world seemed indifferent. But I reasoned to myself that I was just more alive or more caring than they were. I didn’t realize I was on an emotional roller coaster. I would experience euphoria sometimes and pure sadness later.. But often it manifests itself in more subtle and complex ways. For example, you will be completely engaged in something for a week, then you wake up one day and you lose all interest in the activity and will even tell yourself that it was just a waste of time. So, either you experience intense emotions that you find justifications for or you find yourself having a hard time being consistent because your emotions change and they cause a cycle of negative thoughts, and even once you’re aware that you have a mental problem, it can be extremely difficult to function with all of this going on inside you.
The thing about insecurity is that you’re not aware that you are. Even if you do feel upset about rejection or worry about a relationship ending, you’re never really aware of what’s really causing your insecurity. It’s like you made a judgement about yourself as a child, and this judgement turned into an unconscious belief that you can feel but can’t know. You’re not consciously aware that you have no sense of worth. It’s hidden in your brain and emotions guard it. It’s easier to feel angry than it is to feel sad. But this whole process happens automatically without your consent and happens at a faster rate than you can consciously process information.
I think identity disturbance is at the root of what it is to be BPD. As a child, you oscillate back and forth between fear and anger. As this occurs your thoughts shift back and forth along with your emotions. So, you start splitting the world into distinct categories. And you do this to yourself as well. Now that you’ve split yourself into two, you become a contradiction to yourself. Are you the person full of energy and positive thinking, or are you a sad, negative person that thinks you’re a loser ? Your sense of self becomes ambiguous to you. For me, I spent a lot of time analyzing other people trying to find out what on earth a self was. I felt like different people, but looking at others they had a consistency to their personality that I lacked. For some reason, I thought knowing yourself was an image that you could “see” in your mind. Later, I discovered it. Knowing yourself is an intuition; you can feel it. It will grow in time if you discover it. And along with it all of the cognitive distortions and feelings of emptiness will fade.
Your greatest weapon in dealing with BPD in my opinion is authenticity. I spent many years convincing myself that I was fine. And I’m convinced that this is a developmental issue. My cognitive faculties were hijacked by trauma and my reaction to it stayed with me. And this prevented me from emotional development so that I could learn and grow.
