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bpd extreme feelings and emotional trauma from father

bpdgirl

bpdgirl

Member
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
18
Location
lost
I hate my father. My mom lied to me all my childhood and told me I just didn't remember my dad or that he was too busy with work. The truth is, (even though he has always been married to my mom and always lived with us) he never wanted me. My mom struggled with postpartum depression after I was born and my dad was just absent. He did not help my mom or help take care of me. He stayed out and partied with his friends. He forced my mom to pack him lunches for work, cook him dinner, do his laundry, all while she was taking care of a newborn on her own practically. After learning the truth, I truly cannot stand him. Not only that, he still whines until my mom cooks dinner, makes him lunch, does his laundry, etc. My dad also gets jealous when I need my mom and attention is taken away from him. He's an actual manchild.

Today I got in an argument with my father as usual. He does not understand my mental illness and does not try to in any way. He put me into this rage state it was so scary. I mean he's made me feel this way before but I couldn't hold myself back. I started screaming at the top of my lungs "i hate you" and banging on the table until I couldn't breathe. I started crying and shaking afterward.

Nothing takes these painful intense feelings away. My chest feels like it's on fire and I just want to harm myself or break something. I took a xanax and it didn't help. nothing helps i swear. I want to go to the psych ward but I can't afford it again. I've always known deep down in my gut that I don't belong on this earth.
 
J

Jazzmine84

Well-known member
Joined
May 5, 2020
Messages
148
Location
Montreal, Canada
It must be hard to live in such an environment. I myself never was quite comfortable at home, too much screaming and chaos. Fortunately for me, I grew up and eventually moved out.

I too sometimes feel that I don’t belong on this earth. Even fantasized that my parents were aliens and might come back for me one day. Truth is, I’m just a dreamer with high expectations of what life should be.

There isn’t much we can do about our parents. The only person we can change is ourselves. But you’re not alone and I really hope you’ll meet good people with whom you’ll feel close enough to call it family.

Don’t stop to try and make your life better, because it‘s worth it.
 
bpdgirl

bpdgirl

Member
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
18
Location
lost
It must be hard to live in such an environment. I myself never was quite comfortable at home, too much screaming and chaos. Fortunately for me, I grew up and eventually moved out.

I too sometimes feel that I don’t belong on this earth. Even fantasized that my parents were aliens and might come back for me one day. Truth is, I’m just a dreamer with high expectations of what life should be.

There isn’t much we can do about our parents. The only person we can change is ourselves. But you’re not alone and I really hope you’ll meet good people with whom you’ll feel close enough to call it family.

Don’t stop to try and make your life better, because it‘s worth it.
thanks so much for your reply. it meant a lot. I was really afraid I would sound like a moody teenager because of my relationship or lack of one with my dad.. but it's so difficult to get better in this environment. like every day is unbearable because of him. you are completely right though, the only person we can change is ourselves. hopefully I can get the strength to get a job again so I can move out.
 
F

Failing Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
148
Location
Virginia
I hate my father. My mom lied to me all my childhood and told me I just didn't remember my dad or that he was too busy with work. The truth is, (even though he has always been married to my mom and always lived with us) he never wanted me. My mom struggled with postpartum depression after I was born and my dad was just absent. He did not help my mom or help take care of me. He stayed out and partied with his friends. He forced my mom to pack him lunches for work, cook him dinner, do his laundry, all while she was taking care of a newborn on her own practically. After learning the truth, I truly cannot stand him. Not only that, he still whines until my mom cooks dinner, makes him lunch, does his laundry, etc. My dad also gets jealous when I need my mom and attention is taken away from him. He's an actual manchild.

Today I got in an argument with my father as usual. He does not understand my mental illness and does not try to in any way. He put me into this rage state it was so scary. I mean he's made me feel this way before but I couldn't hold myself back. I started screaming at the top of my lungs "i hate you" and banging on the table until I couldn't breathe. I started crying and shaking afterward.

Nothing takes these painful intense feelings away. My chest feels like it's on fire and I just want to harm myself or break something. I took a xanax and it didn't help. nothing helps i swear. I want to go to the psych ward but I can't afford it again. I've always known deep down in my gut that I don't belong on this earth.
I hate my father. My mom lied to me all my childhood and told me I just didn't remember my dad or that he was too busy with work. The truth is, (even though he has always been married to my mom and always lived with us) he never wanted me. My mom struggled with postpartum depression after I was born and my dad was just absent. He did not help my mom or help take care of me. He stayed out and partied with his friends. He forced my mom to pack him lunches for work, cook him dinner, do his laundry, all while she was taking care of a newborn on her own practically. After learning the truth, I truly cannot stand him. Not only that, he still whines until my mom cooks dinner, makes him lunch, does his laundry, etc. My dad also gets jealous when I need my mom and attention is taken away from him. He's an actual manchild.

Today I got in an argument with my father as usual. He does not understand my mental illness and does not try to in any way. He put me into this rage state it was so scary. I mean he's made me feel this way before but I couldn't hold myself back. I started screaming at the top of my lungs "i hate you" and banging on the table until I couldn't breathe. I started crying and shaking afterward.

Nothing takes these painful intense feelings away. My chest feels like it's on fire and I just want to harm myself or break something. I took a xanax and it didn't help. nothing helps i swear. I want to go to the psych ward but I can't afford it again. I've always known deep down in my gut that I don't belong on this earth.
im so sorry girl! I have felt what you are describing...rage that has no where to go. For me there is always a heaping pile of guilt and shame and self loathing afterward as well. Just know that we are here for you, I wish I had more advice But I’m struggling like hell too. If it makes you feel any better, my psychiatrist(s) haven’t helped at all
 
F

Failing Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
148
Location
Virginia
thanks so much for your reply. it meant a lot. I was really afraid I would sound like a moody teenager because of my relationship or lack of one with my dad.. but it's so difficult to get better in this environment. like every day is unbearable because of him. you are completely right though, the only person we can change is ourselves. hopefully I can get the strength to get a job again so I can move out.
Are you kidding!?!? Being a teenager is SO HARD! Plus hormones! Eesh!! You are doing great.
 
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