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BPD & dealing with a breakup

Y

younggod

New member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
2
Location
boston
Recently after months of trying to recover from my own shitty behavior and cheating (i feel terrible about it and i regret it more than anything), my partner decided to leave me. I don’t blame her. I understand. It’s just really hard on me. I regret what i did, i wouldn’t do it again, i did it out of fear that she was going to hurt me and i wanted someone there in case she did. It was selfish. I just don’t know how to cope with it. She said she wants to stay friends, we both have borderline personality disorder so we have that attachment to each other but i’m constantly obsessing over what she’s doing, if shes seeing new people, why she isn’t responding to my texts, everything. I didn’t want the relationship to end, i just self sabotaged and then tried to fix it in any way i could, but she said it made her trust in me diminish and that wasn’t something she could get over so her romantic feelings disappeared. Im heartbroken, upset with myself, i hate myself honestly, i just don’t know how to cope with the fact that i’ve very much lost the one person i’ve ever loved, who understood me more than anyone because of my own selfish actions. I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I don’t know if i’ll be able to even move on. How do i cope? How do i stop obsessing?
 
T E_90

T E_90

Active member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
29
Location
__
It really sucks, I'm sorry and in that I understand you 100%.

Reading how you feel, it seems to read what I went through.
I was also dumped, for other reasons, but I became obsessed for months (almost a whole year) and more jealous than before.
I wanted to throw myself into other relationships that I didn't care about, to see the reaction, hoping to get what I was hoping for. Being the first to texting constantly.
At a certain point (not without consequences, that in any case left me with hatred, grudge, and more) I made up my mind thinking that if there is no more feeling on the other part, I can do nothing about it, I didn't let this person trample my dignity.
My situation may obviously be different from yours.

The only thing you could do I can think about, is ask for help from a mutual friend, who could possibly talk to her and put in a good word, see if that way works .
I don't want to talk nonsense, I know that what you are going through is perhaps one of the hardest things we face, take away that person and you feel lost and hopeless.

Don't hate yourself, take time but better times and opportunities will come, I'm sure
try to be strong and see if asking a friend help.
I wish you really the best, you have my sympathy
 
Y

younggod

New member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
2
Location
boston
yeah i found out today that she’s already on tinder and it’s only been about two days since the break up, so that’s absolutely destroyed me. I confronted her about it because i was filled with way too much emotion, but now i feel guilty because she feels guilty. She’s very obviously angry with me... i think my friends all know how sorry i am for what i did, but her one friend cant stand me despite never meeting me. i cant help but speculate that she encourages shit like this.
 
T E_90

T E_90

Active member
Joined
Jun 4, 2021
Messages
29
Location
__
yeah i found out today that she’s already on tinder and it’s only been about two days since the break up, so that’s absolutely destroyed me. I confronted her about it because i was filled with way too much emotion, but now i feel guilty because she feels guilty. She’s very obviously angry with me... i think my friends all know how sorry i am for what i did, but her one friend cant stand me despite never meeting me. i cant help but speculate that she encourages shit like this.
Of course it destroys you, I think I would have gone out of my mind.
I can't help but think that maybe this is revenge on her part against you, that maybe it will end as soon as she let off steam, a way to make you miss her in a bad way.
(and anyway, you shouldn't be the one to feel guilty about rightly reacting to something she did, tinder'). Try to give her some time.
I've never experienced this exact situation, so I might suggesting things and could be wrong in your case.
 
L

Liana

Active member
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
37
Location
UK
Recently after months of trying to recover from my own shitty behavior and cheating (i feel terrible about it and i regret it more than anything), my partner decided to leave me. I don’t blame her. I understand. It’s just really hard on me. I regret what i did, i wouldn’t do it again, i did it out of fear that she was going to hurt me and i wanted someone there in case she did. It was selfish. I just don’t know how to cope with it. She said she wants to stay friends, we both have borderline personality disorder so we have that attachment to each other but i’m constantly obsessing over what she’s doing, if shes seeing new people, why she isn’t responding to my texts, everything. I didn’t want the relationship to end, i just self sabotaged and then tried to fix it in any way i could, but she said it made her trust in me diminish and that wasn’t something she could get over so her romantic feelings disappeared. Im heartbroken, upset with myself, i hate myself honestly, i just don’t know how to cope with the fact that i’ve very much lost the one person i’ve ever loved, who understood me more than anyone because of my own selfish actions. I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I don’t know if i’ll be able to even move on. How do i cope? How do i stop obsessing?
Hey!
I'm sorry you're going through this. Quick self-compassion reminders as you're going through this;

1. You did not choose to have BPD and these tendencies. This is nor your fault, even if you did make shitty decisions that you now regret. The important part is that you try to better yourself after this relationship and that you seek help to change. I have BPD and those self-sabotaging tendencies, too. I've been there, I understand you.
2. You deserve love, even when you mess up like that. It sounds like right now, the two of you love each other but have too much going on internally to love each other like you deserve to!
3. The more you try to stop obsessing, the more you will; when you have an obsession urge, either try OCD exposure therapy techniques (ex: looking at her recent instagram follows) and instead of stalking the profiles, just sitting with the intrusive thoughts that are very hard to sit with. It might feel like torture at first, but in time you'll be able to calm yourself down through them or find a healthier coping mechanism than just obsessing over who she's with / comparing yourself to them (texting a therapist, going for a walk, doing intuitive writing sessions, calling a friend, petting your animal, etc.)
 

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