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BPD & Cheating

forestmoss

forestmoss

New member
Joined
Nov 4, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Indiana
Any one with BPD also cheated on their partner before?

Just curious if you've found your BPD was part of the cause of it. I'll be completely honest, I'm kind of cheating on my partner right now. When we weren't together last year for a few months, I fell madly in love with someone else and have never been able to let the relationship with him go, even though I've tried cutting contact. Tried being just friends. I always end up breaking and failing. I feel horrible and guilty all the time. But I love them both and I don't know if I am capable of choosing.

My partner and I had discussed being poly at one point. He knows about my feelings for Jason (although I don't know if he knows I've never gotten over those feelings). He obviously doesnt know how much I flirt with him, or that I've sent NSFW pictures to him quite a bit - although I put a stop to that about 3 months ago and for now haven't broken that promise to myself.

I'm kind of lost and I don't know why I get so happy talking to Jason. I feel like if I didn't have BPD maybe I'd be able to let the relationship I have with him die. But I don't know.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,138
Location
Nowhere
I seem to have very similar issues
although a different diagnosis

I would say I have a cheating issue
which is more like I will leave a partner
for a new partner too quickly
not leaving any space in between

and with no warning

so I guess that would feel like cheating
to the other person

I usually in love with 2 people
 
S

Sarabi_Gyarados

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 20, 2019
Messages
226
Location
UK
Yes

I've cheated in almost every relationship I've been in. Never linked it to my BPd. Feel like no amount of love is ever enough and I can never choose.
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,009
Location
Norfolk
Any one with BPD also cheated on their partner before?

Just curious if you've found your BPD was part of the cause of it. I'll be completely honest, I'm kind of cheating on my partner right now. When we weren't together last year for a few months, I fell madly in love with someone else and have never been able to let the relationship with him go, even though I've tried cutting contact. Tried being just friends. I always end up breaking and failing. I feel horrible and guilty all the time. But I love them both and I don't know if I am capable of choosing.

My partner and I had discussed being poly at one point. He knows about my feelings for Jason (although I don't know if he knows I've never gotten over those feelings). He obviously doesnt know how much I flirt with him, or that I've sent NSFW pictures to him quite a bit - although I put a stop to that about 3 months ago and for now haven't broken that promise to myself.

I'm kind of lost and I don't know why I get so happy talking to Jason. I feel like if I didn't have BPD maybe I'd be able to let the relationship I have with him die. But I don't know.
I have cheated on just about every girlfriend I’ve ever had. My traits of being driven by urges, stimulus seeking and having no fear of consequence, coupled with feeling worthless and unlovable have all contributed to my actions.
One thing I will say, I believe my behaviour was yet other self destructive coping mechanism. Whilst on the surface you think it’s fun, it’s not! It leads to more inner turmoil and perpetual suffering, lower self esteem, feelings of guilt, shame and yet lower self worth. Nothing good will EVER come out of this behaviour, so if you can control yourself and be faithful you’ll save yourself from so much pain.
Just my opinion.
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2016
Messages
1,487
Location
sillyville, USA
I was a chronic cheater for 10 years, been married 30 years.
I created mistrust and anger.
Medicated I am nothing like that. Originally I was diagnosed with BPD but I have been diagnosed only with bi polar now.
 
F

franky21

New member
Joined
Nov 6, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Australia
How did your marriage survive? I have always felt deep down there’s something happening with me. I love my partner unconditionally with my whole heart, but recently turned back to an ex online just to feel whole again. My partner and I have two kids, I’m desperately trying to save the relationship and getting help and possible diagnosis as it’s a occurring thing in all of my relationships.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,138
Location
Nowhere
I think with me this stems from emotional insecurity
from being hurt by loss
that was so painful that I cant fully give myself to one person
as if I were putting all my eggs in one basket
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2016
Messages
1,487
Location
sillyville, USA
How did your marriage survive? I have always felt deep down there’s something happening with me. I love my partner unconditionally with my whole heart, but recently turned back to an ex online just to feel whole again. My partner and I have two kids, I’m desperately trying to save the relationship and getting help and possible diagnosis as it’s a occurring thing in all of my relationships.
We have stressors in our marriage like anyone but our marriage is stronger then ever. He finally forgave me completely.
I was always looking for fireworks with an affair. It was an addiction I FINALLY overcame.
 
T

TheCarlough

Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Anchorage, Alaska
Yes. I cheated and got caught. I got lucky and my wife didn't leave but I'll never forgive myself for hurting her that way.

She doesn't understand BPD, and that's ok. My cheating had nothing to do with me not loving her as she's my everything. I cheated because someone showed interest in me and because I don't love myself, that interest sparked a bad decision.

It was ~ 8 years ago and I've never had a thought to cheat again. Now we're on the verge of divorce and I am struggling with acting out. I don't want to cheat but because I think she's going to leave me for good my emotional mind is saying, "why does it matter?".

I just want to replace this pain...
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
4,138
Location
Nowhere
sorry to hear about that Carlough

I think to be honest if you wife has not made the effort
to undestand her life partners condition
then its not all your fault this is happening

what sort of professional help are you getting ?
 
T

TheCarlough

Member
Joined
Nov 13, 2019
Messages
15
Location
Anchorage, Alaska
sorry to hear about that Carlough

I think to be honest if you wife has not made the effort
to undestand her life partners condition
then its not all your fault this is happening

what sort of professional help are you getting ?
Eh, I think she tried, but it's really been unmanaged for a long time. I think if I had known about my BPD earlier, and was able to get specific treatment earlier, she would have had more energy.

She's exhausted. I can't blame her. 13 years of ups and downs, and more downs, must be
She doesn't realize that when I act out, get mad at her, ignore her, etc, etc, that it's not because I don't love her. I'm madly in love with her, I just can't show it because I hate myself.

I am in treatment. Individual and group counseling. It just takes time and it took me too long for it to click. It finally "clicked" the same night she placed a protective order on me (before I got the order). I was so excited to talk to her about it. Never had the chance.
 
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