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BPD and weight obsession

S

so sad

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Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
113
Hi

I've spent the majority of my life significantly overweight. Fat child, fat teenage into a fat adult.

I first lost weight successfully about 20 years ago on weightwatchers, kept if off for about a year then piled it back on, plus some. Lost it all again only to repeat the gain process again and again.

For the past 2 years or so I've managed to maintain something like a reasonable weight. Putting weight on for me brings a lot of shame and guilt. I go through phases of eating hardly anything and when I do, purging to control. I feel like I'm heading that way again now.

Christmas freaks me out and I know I'm not alone in that. I'm terrified of putting on weight because I know I won't be able to cope with the emotions it brings up. I can plan all I like - be good when I can and then enjoy the odd meal out but it doesn't work that way.
I'm beginning to obsess over it and it scares me.
I know that will probably sound really pathetic but that's how it is.
I know that if I put much on then I'll really beat myself up about it. I'm angry enough now because I should have lost more weight already.
I'm very weak with food and can't stop when I start which makes me feel like the biggest failure which leads to feeling shame and guilt.

AARRGG I which I wasn't like this :low:
x
 
E

EveryLilThingGonnaBeAlrig

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Nov 30, 2018
Messages
8
You were made wonderfully and marvelously on Purpose. I love the way you are! The struggle is real. You are wrestling with spiritual forces that can only come out through prayer and fasting. You're being called to fast, and the spirit taking up residence in you are fighting. It's that spirit that wants to binge eat...because outside of you...this spirit has no body. Cast that sh*t out by fasting and replace the void with the Holy Spirit.
 
C

Cleopatra_

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Nov 24, 2018
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Location
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Hi there, I just wanted to say that I understand what you're going through and I'm sorry that you're going through it. I've gained and lost huge amounts of weight too and I'm only 30. It's left me with horrible sagging skin and at the moment I'm obsessively counting every calorie I eat and trying to skip meals. this is new for me as I am usually someone who binges. I am terrified when I eat, obsessing about how many calories I've consumed and thinking of ways to avoid unhealthy foods with friends. I'm obese and losing weight so it's not a problem physically right now.
 
P

Pairou

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Dec 3, 2018
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I've gained a lot of weight being on medication, and I'm aching to lose it. However, fasting is not the answer. I hope you can be kind to yourself this holiday season (something I'm struggling with as well). Forgive yourself and try your best. It's all you can do.
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Hi So Sad

I'm sorry that you feel so bad.....

And I know that words don't really make much difference - at least to me anyway when it's to do with food/weight. People say 'you look great' etc and that's fine, but I don't think this and I don't feel it so it sort of makes me angry when it's dismissed as a trivial issue.

I am feeling very fat right now and am a bit miserable. I'm not actually overweight so NOBODY cares. I'm brushed off as been silly.....yet inside I'm screaming.

So I understand your anger at yourself and at other people's platitudes about how you're fine.

Christmas is very difficult to avoid food.... Could you allow yourself some amount of treats, like plan to have a certain amount, so when you do, you're not deviating outside of your 'rules' This should help with the anger you feel towards yourself. You're allowed to have it.

Then in January, maybe join a weight loss group or get a dvd that helps with this and go from there. Have something definite in mind so you can relax a bit and enjoy Christmas.

I hope this helps in some little way.

Take Care :hug:
 
S

so sad

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Messages
113
Thank you for all of your replies - it helps to know I'm not on my own in thinking like this.

I have various xmas meals planned and I'll try to be as good as possible while still enjoying myself. I'm trying to not eat rubbish I between meals as a way of controlling things.

I judge myself so harshly when it comes to weight although I would never dream of thinking the same towards someone else. Putting on weight makes me feel like such a failure and makes me feel such shame.

I know Xmas is stressful for a lot of people for many different reasons - its all so overwhelming right now and we've got 3 weeks to go before it actually happens.

I'm going to talk to my DBT therapist about it tomorrow and she what she can suggest.

xx
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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I'm the opposite, in my early teens I lost a lot of weight and could have probably been classed as anorexic and under weight (never went to the doctor cos my mum never let me)

Still now a battle of one day thinking I'm too thin and wanting to put on weight, the next putting on a bit of weight and wanting to lose it

I dread christmas too, mum never cooks big meals so I don't need to worry as much

have a mentality that as long as I stay skinny my health and diet doesn't matter
 
S

so sad

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Being at either end of the fat/thin spectrum is a nightmare - both come with their own set of worries and anxieties.

x
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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yes, but people don't sympathise if you struggle with body image and you are skinny, they see it as complaining

had people say they were jealous of my body so I shouldn't have any problems with it

weird world
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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yes, but people don't sympathise if you struggle with body image and you are skinny, they see it as complaining

had people say they were jealous of my body so I shouldn't have any problems with it

weird world
I totally agree with you on this...

I am also underweight, so if I mention at all that I feel fat or feel I've put on weight, people look at me in such surprise...

It's like just because I'm not overweight, I am not allowed to be unhappy with my body.....

I don't understand how THEY don't get, that ANY body change can be very distressing for a person no matter what the change is....

My own Doctor refuses to weigh me as she thinks that me knowing has s negative affect on me....

In fairness she's probably right...

I'm really sorry that you're only in your teens and have these problems.

Do you get on ok with your mom? I'm not sure from what you say if you're relationship is good and ye talk or if it's not. Obviously no need to say at all if you would prefer not :)

Hope you're doing ok tonight :hug:
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Thank you for all of your replies - it helps to know I'm not on my own in thinking like this.

I have various xmas meals planned and I'll try to be as good as possible while still enjoying myself. I'm trying to not eat rubbish I between meals as a way of controlling things.

I judge myself so harshly when it comes to weight although I would never dream of thinking the same towards someone else. Putting on weight makes me feel like such a failure and makes me feel such shame.

I know Xmas is stressful for a lot of people for many different reasons - its all so overwhelming right now and we've got 3 weeks to go before it actually happens.

I'm going to talk to my DBT therapist about it tomorrow and she what she can suggest.

xx
Sounds like a great idea to talk to your therapist about it...

I also have BPD and God it's a struggle....

I'm seeing my therapist 3.5yrs and am still only exploring old issues...

I hope your DBT is helpful :)
 
S

so sad

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Feb 24, 2016
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113
I find DBT very useful (and bloody hard) for anxiety, not so much for the depression but that is improving slowly - it doesn't touch my weight issues.
I think its hard for people to understand weight issues when they see you as being thin because media only seems to target being overweight as a problem and the health issues it brings. This leads to the misconception that if you look thin you must be healthy, blah blah blah.
Its all about judgement, intentional or not.
I wish I could just eat healthy, exercise moderately etc - everything in moderation I guess, but my BPD doesn't allow me to do that. BPD doesn't have moderation in its dictionary and that drives me mad.
x
 
P

Pairou

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That's a good point about moderation, So Sad. If we could only do things in moderation a lot of our issues would be resolved I think.
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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I totally agree with you on this...

I am also underweight, so if I mention at all that I feel fat or feel I've put on weight, people look at me in such surprise...

It's like just because I'm not overweight, I am not allowed to be unhappy with my body.....

I don't understand how THEY don't get, that ANY body change can be very distressing for a person no matter what the change is....

My own Doctor refuses to weigh me as she thinks that me knowing has s negative affect on me....

In fairness she's probably right...

I'm really sorry that you're only in your teens and have these problems.

Do you get on ok with your mom? I'm not sure from what you say if you're relationship is good and ye talk or if it's not. Obviously no need to say at all if you would prefer not :)

Hope you're doing ok tonight :hug:
I only just seen this

skinny shaming is also a thing, people think its okay to comment on your weight if you are skinny, yet if you did the same to an over weight person people go mental and label you the scum of the earth

being told to eat more will just make me do the complete opposite because you've put my main focus back on my size

my mum and I have never gotten on well
 
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