S
SicklyBloom
Well-known member
Last night, I had a series of panic attacks over turning 22 and how time flies. It only seems like I just turned 21 yesterday! Now that I'm aware of what's happening to me mentally and emotionally, I think it's time that I made some lifestyle adjustments. I'm done sharing details about my personal life and desperately trying to befriend others. I've realized my problem and it's using others to help distract me from myself. This habit has been going on for years and now I'm finally cutting that mentality loose. It's juvenile and unproductive! When I was younger, I had a tendency to ask people if they were still my friends and I would act possessive towards them. To be honest, I never had friends and haven't had one in nearly 5 years. I've starved that needy part of myself to death and now accept that my need for people is only frivolous and comes from wanting validation. I'm kissing my false identity goodbye next year because I think it's time to finally meet the person hiding behind my disorder.
I know unveiling my suppressed personality is going to take time, but now I think I finally know the culprit of my misadventures with relationships with people. It all starts with me and what I'm willingly giving out to others as a way of hiding in plain sight, if that makes any sense? I guess I've had time to think about how my disorder reacts to certain situations and it's mostly a distorted self-image mixed with being person dependent. This side of me reacts badly when it's in conflict with my growing independence. I can see that I'm the older I get, the worse my BPD becomes. I've outgrown the need to be liked by everyone because it's unrealistic and naive. I want to make peace with the misguided child within me so I can take with me into adulthood. I didn't have good role models or encouragement growing up and I hope it's not too late to follow the dreams I had as a child.
This is my final post for a while, but I'll still respond to your comments. Thank you and blessed be.
I know unveiling my suppressed personality is going to take time, but now I think I finally know the culprit of my misadventures with relationships with people. It all starts with me and what I'm willingly giving out to others as a way of hiding in plain sight, if that makes any sense? I guess I've had time to think about how my disorder reacts to certain situations and it's mostly a distorted self-image mixed with being person dependent. This side of me reacts badly when it's in conflict with my growing independence. I can see that I'm the older I get, the worse my BPD becomes. I've outgrown the need to be liked by everyone because it's unrealistic and naive. I want to make peace with the misguided child within me so I can take with me into adulthood. I didn't have good role models or encouragement growing up and I hope it's not too late to follow the dreams I had as a child.
This is my final post for a while, but I'll still respond to your comments. Thank you and blessed be.
