BPD and sexuality

[LittleMissNameless]

I read an article that suggested that many women with BPD use sex as not a means for pleasure but as a means for taking control over their fear abandonment. They can play a compliant role in bed, essentially transforming into whatever pleases their partner in an effort to alleviate their obsessive fear of abandonment, and other negative emotions.

It also spoke of the hypersexuality but thats not as relevant to me so, Thoughts?

Article: "Borderline Personality Disorder & Sexuality" Dr Michael Aaron (psychotherapist)

 

[Am33]

I'm reading The Spiritual Liberation of Women its talks about most sex is just a addiction . Men see women as objects because of the advertising industry , movies , porn .Women are also being used by the cosmetic industry, fashion industry telling them how a woman should look like setting impossible photoshop standards that no one can live up to . For some women it gives them a sense of power of being desired . So sex is pretty messed up for both sexes right now instead of what its meant to be two people coming together in a committed relationship and sharing oneness with each other .You can't come into oneness if you see the other person as a object or a need ? . As for your question I don't think people are only labels like BPD , or Depressed .All BPDS do this they all fit in this box all Depressed people fit into this box ? They are just suffering from a condition and like a addiction for some it can be overcome with applying tools for your psyche. If you tune in your heart Little (you don't mind if I call you by your first name ) you can learn to sense with practice if anything you do , see , hear takes your heart energy up or down then you will know what is best for you always .

 

[bpd2020]

I can totally relate to that. In my previous relationships I felt I had to be sexy at all times. I spent a lot of money on lingerie, trying to always look how I felt would be acceptable. I thought sex meant they loved me and would stay with me. I was really messed up, actually.

 

[Scapes1986]

Idk sex never really meant something enough to classify it like that... I have schizophrenia tho. And I don’t feel great about myself anymore. So that’s that but I do long for a relationship. So I do feel lonely. And like bpd2020 said I try to look sexy all the time... it gets annoying.

 

[Butterfly3]

I can definitely relate to those above about being sexy and desirable and wanted. Now I’ve done DBT and I’m in a relationship though I don’t struggle with that so much anymore which is nice. For me now sex is about pleasure and feeling close and connected with my partner, of course I still sometimes struggle if she doesn’t want sex and I do feeling like I’m unwanted and going to be abandoned but a lot less than before. Think it’s a reason why it took me a while to realise I was gay, my worth was tied with the people that wanted to have sex with me and it was a way for me to feel like I wasn’t being abandoned and wanted, although I never did have sex with these people. I don’t know if that makes sense? Very interesting article though.

 

[ht46]

Love isn't sex and sex isn't love. I read this book and a from a philosophical/psychological analysis of love the theory was love is pretty much the attention for eg that our parents give us when we're infants unconditional caring fun attention later in life when someone else gives us these emotions and we reciprocate then they do so forth we fall in love.

 

[Elf3]

I relate 100%. I constantly feel the need for sex to secure the relationship.

 

[Grace in defeat]

It's certainly not true of everyone as I have BPD and I don't have sex. I just don't want to and I don't think it's worth doing something I really don't want to do just for companionship which might be horrible and is likely to be temporary.

But it is very common in people with BPD with all genders, though it also seems to be common in life generally. Most people want to feel needed, if not loved. Most people want physical affection. Most people want to be doing the things 'everyone else' seems to be doing. And when you find someone you like, it's natural not to want the other person to end things. I doubt anyone enjoys rejection or abandonment or knowing they weren't enough for someone, but with BPD all the resulting emotions are magnified so there's an even greater desire to do whatever it takes to avoid having those feelings.

There is also a lot of pressure, direct or otherwise, to be having sex. In the media, on social media, pressure from friends/family/colleagues. People who don't have sex are seen as being weird and wrong. A lot of people are concerned by the lack of sex in someone's life, but they are much less concerned by people who are either putting themselves in dangerous situations in order to get sex, or consenting to something they really don't want because anything is better than the relationship ending. This all adds to the feeling that it is necessary to be having sex, that people who want to wait before making that commitment are doing something wrong, that we're in some way a failure if we don't have some sort of sex life. This raises the stakes even higher as it makes being alone seem even more terrible, which makes the thought of rejection and abandonment even more terrible.

Even my therapist told me I ought to be having sex. No, I shouldn't. The only way I'm going to have sex is if I consent to an unwanted sexual experience and how is that a good thing to do? It scares me to think that she (and maybe other therapists) are going around saying things like this to vulnerable people who could then put themselves into dangerous situations in order to do what their therapist suggests will make them feel better.

I'm not criticising anyone who genuinely enjoys sex with different people. There are obviously risks involved and I hope everyone is being as safe as possible in all kinds of ways, but making a conscious choice to do something you enjoy is different from feeling you have no choice but to have sex.

 

[Nukelavee]

For me, I don't look for relationships so I can have sex - I have sex because I'm in a relationship.

At the same time, I'm an abuse victim, my responses are fucked up. Any form of physical intimacy, even the potential, makes me dissociate. It took me into my 40's, well after I decided to be celibate, to realize how I felt during sex was actually dissociation. I don't feel anything from it, during the act, except stress. It takes a long time for me to be comfortable enough that sex isn't a personal nightmare.

Like, weird as it sounds, I'm a guy who fakes orgasms, because most women assume all men always orgasm.

 

[Girl interupted]

My sexual exploits in my 20s were my way of self harming. But it was rooted in rage after being raped.

 

[LittleMissNameless]

My sexual exploits in my 20s were my way of self harming. But it was rooted in rage after being raped.

I was sexually abused most my childhood so for me i have seperated the act of sex from my body, mind and emotional connection. I feel like im not present during the act and then my memories of consenual sex are kind of fuzzy and not linear (like i remeber out of place snippets) but i still feel i have to perform or my partner will leave me.

It doesnt help that i feel being beautiful is one of the only qualities i have that a man could possibly want me for. I know theres great men out there and relationships are more than the physical but when im in I cant see myself as anything other than nice to look at, like a man couldnt want my thoughts, opinions, or own unique intrests. (I know its not real, its a perception problem and its on me so please nobody say "not all men")

And like you sometimes i use sex as a way to punish myself, like making myself suffer because I am bad.

 

[Girl interupted]

I thought like you too. That it was just sex and no emotions.

It's only decades later, and no longer doing this, that I realized how it eroded me too.

Its self destruction. And then, like everything else, drugs, booze, you pay a price.

It's not like I feel guilty, but I recognize how it further eroded my identity, and left me isolated and lost.

And, if you've been following my story at all, there was historic childhood abuse that primed me for it.

 

[Girl interupted]

Its funny, maybe that's why I fight for you, pick on you, but it feels like you are me, when I was your age. I used to purposefully argue intellectually on dates to prove I was more than a vacuous vessel for sex.

The problem is that while you shield yourself from feeling, it adds to an emotional tally that eventually triggers the bpd into more serious areas like suicide.

You need to learn to value yourself. That what you think matters. You are obviously bright and educated. Dont make the same mistakes I did. Do the therapy now. Find a psychoanalytical doctor, they're covered by Ohip in Canada. There's an amazing ptsd clinic at women's hospital if you are in the gta.

Do the hard work and set yourself free.

 

[LittleMissNameless]

Its funny, maybe that's why I fight for you, pick on you, but it feels like you are me, when I was your age. I used to purposefully argue intellectually on dates to prove I was more than a vacuous vessel for sex.

The problem is that while you shield yourself from feeling, it adds to an emotional tally that eventually triggers the bpd into more serious areas like suicide.

You need to learn to value yourself. That what you think matters. You are obviously bright and educated. Dont make the same mistakes I did. Do the therapy now. Find a psychoanalytical doctor, they're covered by Ohip in Canada. There's an amazing ptsd clinic at women's hospital if you are in the gta.

Do the hard work and set yourself free.

Thank you, i always love your insight.

I was gunna say when i saw your post i was like "hey girl interrupted i missed you!"

 

[Beorn the Bear]

Sex with someone you love is part of a healthy, normal relationship for the majority. When you BOTH are wanting to engage in it for the right reasons, it can definitely make your relationship feel more meaningful, deeper and connected.