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BPD and sex

Shiva

Shiva

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
49
Location
Canada
Does anyone here have any thoughts to share about your relationship with sex/sexual intimacy? Whether it’s healthy or unhealthy. I know there’s a lot of research on this matter and I can definitely relate to most of it. I use sex in a very unhealthy way and as a control mechanism or to feel not numb. There was a period in my early twenties that I was obsessed with being an object of desire and male fantasy to the point that I put myself in very emotionally harmful and dangerous situations. In my late twenties now I feel I am almost disenchanted with sex. I just want a healthy relationship with sex so badly.
Anyway, I would be so grateful if you guys could share your experiences and relationships with sex as people who have the disorder. Whether it’s healthy or unhealthy or just is. Thank you
 
S

Shiroki

Guest
Does anyone here have any thoughts to share about your relationship with sex/sexual intimacy? Whether it’s healthy or unhealthy. I know there’s a lot of research on this matter and I can definitely relate to most of it. I use sex in a very unhealthy way and as a control mechanism or to feel not numb. There was a period in my early twenties that I was obsessed with being an object of desire and male fantasy to the point that I put myself in very emotionally harmful and dangerous situations. In my late twenties now I feel I am almost disenchanted with sex. I just want a healthy relationship with sex so badly.
Anyway, I would be so grateful if you guys could share your experiences and relationships with sex as people who have the disorder. Whether it’s healthy or unhealthy or just is. Thank you
While I am certainly as bad a case of BPD as anyone else, I am comfortable sharing that I have only ever been with 1 woman. I had some opportunities before that, but the women involved were 16 and I was 22. I refused to risk being labeled a pedo, so I turned them both down. This is a very idyllic and mushy opinion, but I had always wanted sex to just be about expressing my love for my romantic partner. Being a male though I obviously have a lizard brain too, so I certainly had a fair share of porn influence. But for me I separated the two in my mind. Porn was just to get rid of my lizard brain influence for a time, and sex was for love. I got a chance to put that theory to the test when I got into my first sexual relationship. It wasn’t so neat and clean. I found that porn had completely jarred my expectations of actual sex. I found out that real sex is not so on-demand or easily done. It was hard not going back to porn whenever my partner was unavailable or uninterested, leaving me, as bpd, with feelings of inadequacy and rejection despite claims of the opposite. The only upside I found my frame of mind having, was that she found me to be a very giving lover and very concerned with her needs.
 
S

Shiroki

Guest
Oh, also. I don’t know if this is a bpd thing, and I wasn’t very shallow to begin with, but being in an actual sexual relationship gave me a lot of perspective and I now notice just how beautiful someone can be.
 
Shiva

Shiva

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
49
Location
Canada
While I am certainly as bad a case of BPD as anyone else, I am comfortable sharing that I have only ever been with 1 woman. I had some opportunities before that, but the women involved were 16 and I was 22. I refused to risk being labeled a pedo, so I turned them both down. This is a very idyllic and mushy opinion, but I had always wanted sex to just be about expressing my love for my romantic partner. Being a male though I obviously have a lizard brain too, so I certainly had a fair share of porn influence. But for me I separated the two in my mind. Porn was just to get rid of my lizard brain influence for a time, and sex was for love. I got a chance to put that theory to the test when I got into my first sexual relationship. It wasn’t so neat and clean. I found that porn had completely jarred my expectations of actual sex. I found out that real sex is not so on-demand or easily done. It was hard not going back to porn whenever my partner was unavailable or uninterested, leaving me, as bpd, with feelings of inadequacy and rejection despite claims of the opposite. The only upside I found my frame of mind having, was that she found me to be a very giving lover and very concerned with her needs.
That’s so interesting to know. Thanks for sharing. Im glad you see sex like that. I always saw it as a way to get personal gain or manipulate, which makes me sad. But it would be nice to see it like you do.
 
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Shiroki

Guest
That’s so interesting to know. Thanks for sharing. Im glad you see sex like that. I always saw it as a way to get personal gain or manipulate, which makes me sad. But it would be nice to see it like you do.
There is no reason you can’t. The right person can show you what it is like. I think your best bet would be to find someone who, while willing to meet your needs, wouldn’t be controlled by them. It allows you to stop using your sex as a control device while also losing that guilt you seem to have over doing it.
 
letmein

letmein

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 10, 2016
Messages
1,050
not had sex in 3 years.... i' so ugly no one would go ear me
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,911
Location
USA
The emotional attachment piece that comes with it is like super strong for me but it tends to backfire like in a relationship once it gets to that point I’m just a sappy mess and like “omg I love you do you love me?” And I think I’ve driven a couple people (and myself) about half crazy that way.

I also am like always thinking “omg am I bad person” with absolutely no reason and a tiny part of me is still like omg sex before marriage stop girl.

so while logically I’m like once I’m in a relationship it’s fine, part of me is also like wait I don’t think I ever actually decided what my personal “rules” are around this. when bf and I first got together and he’d ask what I was okay with and not I’d literally be like umm idk let me figure that out lol.

so thats probably a healthy place to start just like what are you comfortable with and what do you want. Not worrying about how the other person might react.

ive only been in two relationships that got to this point but I’ve kind of decided that if I’m ever in another I’m going to go as slowww as I want to and not feel a bit bad for making them wait lol.
 
S

Shiroki

Guest
not had sex in 3 years.... i' so ugly no one would go ear me
Physical beauty has long been a bigger obstacle for ourself than the people around us. There will always been people who look past physical appearance.
 
S

Shiroki

Guest
The emotional attachment piece that comes with it is like super strong for me but it tends to backfire like in a relationship once it gets to that point I’m just a sappy mess and like “omg I love you do you love me?” And I think I’ve driven a couple people (and myself) about half crazy that way.

I also am like always thinking “omg am I bad person” with absolutely no reason and a tiny part of me is still like omg sex before marriage stop girl.

so while logically I’m like once I’m in a relationship it’s fine, part of me is also like wait I don’t think I ever actually decided what my personal “rules” are around this. when bf and I first got together and he’d ask what I was okay with and not I’d literally be like umm idk let me figure that out lol.

so thats probably a healthy place to start just like what are you comfortable with and what do you want. Not worrying about how the other person might react.

ive only been in two relationships that got to this point but I’ve kind of decided that if I’m ever in another I’m going to go as slowww as I want to and not feel a bit bad for making them wait lol.
I also still have some issues with the whole pre-marital thing, but I decided to just forgive myself and if it’s such a big deal to me, just get married first before it happens again lol. Half kidding, hah.
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,911
Location
USA
Lol I guess that’s one way around that problem.

but in all honestly I basically realized that I was still really naive and emotionally “young” and that that’s not a bad thing. it takes some introspection and getting to know yourself to figure out what YOU want and what you believe and then from there I think it’d be easier to find a partner who’s on the same page as you. So shiva I wouldn’t feel bad for anything from the past because it’s part of growing up for a lot of people. But it’s really cool that you have this sort of revelation around it that you can move forward with because then you’ll be happier.

to be clear I don’t actually think premarital sex is bad at all I just tend to feel guilty for no justifiable reason in lots of aspects of my life lol.
 
S

Shiroki

Guest
Lol I guess that’s one way around that problem.

but in all honestly I basically realized that I was still really naive and emotionally “young” and that that’s not a bad thing. it takes some introspection and getting to know yourself to figure out what YOU want and what you believe and then from there I think it’d be easier to find a partner who’s on the same page as you. So shiva I wouldn’t feel bad for anything from the past because it’s part of growing up for a lot of people. But it’s really cool that you have this sort of revelation around it that you can move forward with because then you’ll be happier.

to be clear I don’t actually think premarital sex is bad at all I just tend to feel guilty for no justifiable reason in lots of aspects of my life lol.
I hope I didn’t imply it was either, but due to my beliefs I still, personally, feel bad about it sometimes. I also only recently shed some of naivety through introspection, maybe only a few months ago. It has been a wild ride lol.
 
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Shiroki

Guest
For what it’s worth, I do think it’s easier to get to know someone if you don’t immediately bog down the relationship with the physical aspect. Too many relationships already exist on the premise of physical needs already.
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
2,268
Location
London, ON
I've been celibate, voluntarily, for 14 years.
I was abused as a child, and raped by an ex when I was in my 30's. Most of my exes have been abusive in one way or another. And now, pretty much any physical contact, or the threat of it, makes me dissociate. Sex while dissociating is kinda pointless, tbh.

I've never been about having a relationship for sex, I have sex because it's expected in a relationship.

Between my BPD, and abandonment issues from being adopted - I want to connect with somebody, but I know I want that badly enough that I'll accept abuse as affection and love, sex just makes it even worse.

Even if I meet somebody I want to be with, I'm terrified of them - love and sex and fear are all connected for me. I had a (what I thought) was an amazing friendship with a woman in my building...our issues, plus her thinking life was a rom-com, made for a disaster I still have to deal with - we're neighbours in teh same building.
 
S

Shiroki

Guest
I've been celibate, voluntarily, for 14 years.
I was abused as a child, and raped by an ex when I was in my 30's. Most of my exes have been abusive in one way or another. And now, pretty much any physical contact, or the threat of it, makes me dissociate. Sex while dissociating is kinda pointless, tbh.

I've never been about having a relationship for sex, I have sex because it's expected in a relationship.

Between my BPD, and abandonment issues from being adopted - I want to connect with somebody, but I know I want that badly enough that I'll accept abuse as affection and love, sex just makes it even worse.

Even if I meet somebody I want to be with, I'm terrified of them - love and sex and fear are all connected for me. I had a (what I thought) was an amazing friendship with a woman in my building...our issues, plus her thinking life was a rom-com, made for a disaster I still have to deal with - we're neighbours in teh same building.
I am truly sorry that something so beautiful became something so ugly for you. I hope you can find someone that will show you love and sex can go hand in hand in showing someone just how much you care about their well-being.
 
Jleighm

Jleighm

Active member
Joined
Jan 1, 2020
Messages
32
Location
Canada
Does anyone here have any thoughts to share about your relationship with sex/sexual intimacy? Whether it’s healthy or unhealthy. I know there’s a lot of research on this matter and I can definitely relate to most of it. I use sex in a very unhealthy way and as a control mechanism or to feel not numb. There was a period in my early twenties that I was obsessed with being an object of desire and male fantasy to the point that I put myself in very emotionally harmful and dangerous situations. In my late twenties now I feel I am almost disenchanted with sex. I just want a healthy relationship with sex so badly.
Anyway, I would be so grateful if you guys could share your experiences and relationships with sex as people who have the disorder. Whether it’s healthy or unhealthy or just is. Thank you
I relate with this so much! I was with my ex boyfriend for 5 years until I was 23. When we broke up i went a little crazy sleeping around.. i had no desire to be in a relationship, I just wanted guys for sex. It made me feel in control of my own life and body. After a year or so of doing that I started to feel horrible about myself and completely stopped talking to guys.
I've been in a healthy relationship now for almost 2 years and I look back and cant believe I put myself in such dangerous situations also. Sex doesnt validate anything for me anymore. As horrible as I feel about sleeping around I'm glad I did it at the same time because it helped my confidence and I feel okay in a committed relationship now.
 
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